In Response the that Heavenly Olive Garden Review

This eloquent and hilarious review of a North Dakota Olive Garden has inspired me to write a similar review of my favorite chain.

Almost Paradise
As one walks into this aromatic jungle of bounty, conflict concerning the existence of God begins to overwhelm oneself. On one hand, I've never had the pleasure of being a believer. However, that is a hard line to hold after being smacked in the face with what can only be described as heaven's own bouquet of chicken and biscuits.
If not for the grace of God, could there be a holier union; one as perfect and complementary as that between a southern chicken filet and a biscuit.
God hath bequeathed unto us a new child. Bojangles be thy name.
Upon entrance, the cynic might complain that he or she, probably she, was greeted with indifference, or even hostility by Bojangles' messengers, ahem employees. But they would indeed be mislead by a humility not seen Sumerian times. As I began to journey to the cashier Boj-angel, I took my time, as any believer does in a place of worship. One must walk ever so delicately as if to take a stroll within the petals of a flower, approaching the filament and desiring for the anther. Shh. What's that on the rail? I took a moment to appreciate the floral arrangement, no more fake than our own immortality. Then, summoning all of my interest, was the tenderest of the tender: orangish tile, with a greyish grout, an accoutrement we hazard to expect in these hurried times. But alas, one doesn't enter the Kingdom of Heaven to simply marvel at its grout. I had bigger fish (er, chicken) to fry.
"How can I help you?" the Boj-angel asked, as if indebted to me.
Yes, you may help! Indeed! Would it be a Spicy Cajun Chicken Filet Biscuit, a Southern Chicken Filet Biscuit, a two-piece with rice and beans, or even a Bo'Berry Biscuit? Oh my. My cup, it runneth over. I will have a Southern Chicken Filet Biscuit, with a perfectly sized packet of honey. With what shall I wash it down? Hold your tongue, speaker! For a Bojangles Sweet Tea is not merely an instrument to wash down another. It is an instrument unto itself. And it shall be had. Had by all. Enjoy. Drink up. And drink hearty.
Go forth. Go to Bojangles.
Bojangles is located on Route 9. Hours are 6am-10pm, Monday-Saturday, and 7am-6pm on Sundays.

New Caligula's Grotto

A new episode just went up and it is very good. Listen here. Or search for Caligula's Grotto on iTunes.

Caligula's Grotto is Back

Erin Conroy, Alan Skontra and I are back with more Caligula's Grotto. I forgot to post the link here earlier. We're six episodes into season 2. Have a listen.

Rent Check... And Scene

This is an email exchange between my roommate, Quincy Ledbetter, and my other roommate, Ryan Conner.

Subject: Rent

Quincy (10-1-11 @ 2:24pm): Transferred to your account, son.

Ryan (10-1-11 @ 2:26pm): Transfer $5 million more if you ever want to see your son again.

Quincy (10-1-11 @ 2:29pm): Keep him. Taking care of that little bastard costs me so much money, you're actually saving me $4 million by taking him off my hands.
He's allergic to rag weed and pees the bed. Enjoy.

Ryan (10-1-11 @ 2:34pm): Transfer $6 million immediately or expect to find him at your house, in your bed, peeing on your money.

Quincy (10-1-11 @ 2:36pm): I call your bluff, sir.

Ryan (10-1-11 @ 2:37pm): I dare you to call it again. Do not test me.

Quincy (10-1-11 @ 2:53pm):

FADE IN.

In a frightening, darkened basement, lighted only by a 50 watt lightbulb that hangs from the ceiling, a LITTLE BOY sleeps in the corner on a bed made especially for him. RYAN CONNER'S BLUFF sits adjacent gazing affectionately at an 8X10 of an Orthodox Jewish Man winking at him. As Ryan Conner's Bluff stares at the picture the room grows a little colder and he feels more and more lonely until the phone rings. The phone call is from QUINCY LEDBETTER'S DOMINANCE. Ryan Conner's Bluff picks up.

RYAN CONNER'S BLUFF
Yes who is this?

QUINCY LEDBETTER'S DOMINANCE
This is Quincy Ledbetter's Dominance. Consider yourself called, sir.

Quincy Ledbetter's dominance hangs up. Ryan Conner's Bluff stays on the line, and stares at the 8X10 until he hears the busy signal. He realizes his foolish plan has back fired. A tear falls from his eye. The Little Boy awakens.

LITTLE BOY
Mr. Bluff?

RYAN CONNER'S BLUFF
What is it, child?

LITTLE BOY
(shamefully)
I went pee pee on your new mattress.

FADE OUT.

Ryan (10-1-11 @ 2:58pm): Thanks for transferring the rent. I'll drop off the check.

8 years of jokes, highlighted by my first two sets

I just hit the eight year mark in comedy on August 1st. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in the past eight years. I haven't needed a day job for 5.5 of the years. I've grown as a comic constantly, starting out telling jokes about things I observed, then moving to jokes about things that I've done, to now, when I'm telling almost nothing but autobiographical stories. In addition to my style evolving, I know I'm doing my best material now.

With that being said, on a flight home from Chicago on Friday, I listened to the audio from my first ever set. I forgot this audio existed. It took me a while to muster the courage to listen. I can't even listen to new stuff without cringing. But finally, I listened and was surprised. Some jokes were embarrassing in how dirty they were. One joke was just not funny. I think some of the jokes hold up. None of it was hack, and all of it was tightly written. I'm probably going to re-write and bring back two of them.

I wrote out those sets word-for-word, as I still do. In addition to finding the audio from the first set, I found the text from the first and second ever sets. Twelve minutes total. Here are some of my favorite isolated lines and notes from the two sets:

-My first ever joke was about every comic making the crowd "give-it-up" for the host. This is something I'm still passionate about.

-"This is my first time combining standing up and comedy. I'm very nervous, so one of my friends told me to picture the crowd in their underwear. [Eyes creepily scan the room] So... that's what I'm doing now, picturing everyone in their underwear... except you. You're naked."

-"I like Wal-Mart because it's like a 7-11 Outlet."

-"Once you go black, you don't go back? Sure. But once you go white, you don't get followed around in stores."

-"I hate dancing. Whenever I'm around it, people try to get me to do it. It's always the same thing. 'Come on, it's fun! Look at us! We're having so much fun!' They say it as if I thought they were miserable but they didn't know how to stop."

-"I ran into a girl I knew from high school. Her name is Amanda. In high school, she was a cheerleader. She drove this little Volkswagon Jetta. And apparently she ate it."

-"I don't believe in reincarnation, but if I did, I would want to come back as lemonade. Because everyone loves lemonade. You never hear, 'Fuck you, lemonade. Get out of my life. All you do is refresh me and leave. You quench my thirst and you're gone. You're a bastard, lemonade. Lemonade, it's your baby.' Those are just some of the things you don't hear being said about lemonade."

-I'm going to skip the next joke, because although it's funny, it contains the line, "Clitoris: The other Pink Meat."

Here's a long one:

"I was watching Real Sex 13,245 on HBO. It was a stripper pageant. The competition was like who's the best overall stripper or something like that. It had all the same competitions as the Miss America pageant. The talent portion was a little different though. In the Miss America pageant you have a girl from the Sunshine State playing the harp. In the stripper pageant you have a girl named Sunshine putting a harp in her vagina. So, subtle differences. The part that really got me though was the open response portion. The question was, “If you had the power to be invisible what would you do?” The field was narrowed down to 3 hookerstrippers at this point. The first one said, ”If I had the power to be invisible I would do everything to fight all evil powers and evil forces.” What the fuck does that mean? Does she think that Dr. No is out to get her or something. It was a movie. The second one said, “If I had the power to be invisible I would help those that are less fortunate.” You don't have to be invisible to help those who are less fortunate. Oh, so that’s why all your stripper money goes to vodka and cocaine, because you thought you had to be invisible to help people. The third and final stripper said, “Ummmm… if I had the power to be invisible I would make myself uninvisible because being invisible would be really lonely.” And she got really excited. I think she missed the point of the question. Your only power is invisibility. You can’t change yourself back and forth. That’s like if someone said, “If you had one million dollars, what would you do with it?” And you say, “If I had a million dollars, I’d be very tall." Doesn’t make sense. If I could be invisible I would go to a local park and just start picking up kids and throwing them. I have nothing against kids. I just think it would look funny to see flying children.

-I carry a crucifix with me everywhere I go. Not because I’m a religious person, but just as a reminder. Whenever shit isn’t going my way, I just look at Jesus on the cross, and it reminds me that at one point even being Jesus started to suck. Up until then, things were working out.

-"Where do new sign language signs come from? Without the aide of text, how do you make a deaf person understand that Beyonce is the name of a person?

-"Why do you have to be quiet in the library? I could understand if the library was full of tv’s and they didn’t want anyone to talk over them, but last I checked, books can’t talk. I saw a self-help book called 'It's All in Your Head.' I thought, 'Cool, then I guess I don't need to read the book.'"

-"I was at the gym a couple days ago. It was the first time I’d been there in a several weeks because I broke my arm, so I thought I’d take it light. But all of a sudden, something happened to me. It was like I was possessed…by the Incredible Hulk. I think that’s who it was because I ripped through my flannel shirt and Wranglers and became a giant green monster. So I think it was the Incredible Hulk."

-"My friend got cancer. Her uncle is really rich because she invented to pop-top for cans. And he wanted her to feel better, so he bought her a new BMW. That's a nice gesture, but I think she would have preferred Chemo. BMW's are nice cars, but they don't do much for cancer. 'You don't want my Ford HIV Fiesta? You spoiled brat. Fine, just take your retroviral drugs then.'"

-There's a joke about a prostitute selling dental insurance, which I don't understand at all. Some of the lines include: "When did dentists start getting pimps?" "I thought they would look like Huggy Bear, but today's pimps look no different than ticket scalpers."

-"Japanese kids are way better than American kids at everything. Except growing."

-"I could never be a vegetarian. I don’t have the patience to pull it off. First of all, how do you decide what is going to be your last piece of meat? Because for the rest of your life, you are going to be thinking about that last piece of meat. It’s like a prisoner remembering the last time he had sex…consensually…with a woman. After you've decided that you are through with meat, you have to decide if you can or can’t eat some things. I’ve never understood this. Some people will say they’re a vegetarian and order a seafood salad. I’ll say, “Isn’t shrimp meat? Well yeah, but not really. I can eat shrimp… and fish…and chicken. And you’re a vegetarian? Yeah. These people are not vegetarians, they just don’t appreciate a pork chop. Like I said, I don’t have the patience to be a vegetarian. I would end up in prison for killing someone. Not over meat deprivation, but over someone just getting on my nerves. Every time I’m at a restaurant with a vegetarian there is always one idiot who will say, “So you’re a vegetarian huh? Can you eat chicken? How about steak? You can’t eat steak? No? Okay. What about milk?” Of course. I can drink milk. “What if you’re drinking a glass of milk, then can you eat a steak? Don’t they cancel each other out?” That’s the point when I would start stabbing. Meat is murder, but some people just deserve it."

Some rough notes that I made but never fleshed out:

"Hookers don't wear khaki."

"Watch out for the pump." I have no idea.

-"Girls leaning their heads on one another." Sounds like a hoot.

-"Ice cream truck or ambulance?… poor marketing if it’s an ice cream truck…they should have sirens that say, “fun, fun, fun…”"

Thanks for reading.

Music Video

Quincy G. Ledbetter and I do the directing. In addition to our comedy projects, we have done some music videos. Here is one we just completed. It's a piece called "21," written by Andy Akiho, and performed by Andy and Mariel Roberts. The feedback we're getting has been making me blush like a child. If you get a chance, I think you will like this.

I started a new blog and it is good.

There are hundreds of blogs where annoying people annoyingly post pictures of fancy food and write something about how they couldn't live without that vegan enchilada, goat's milk ice cream, or duck [insert French word].

I have started a blog called Totes Yums, which makes fun of these assholes. Have a look. It's good.

I Am Not the Porn Star You Think I Am

I have a story about a mix-up with the porn-star Ryan Conner. But first, a little tale about Chicago Bulls' forward, Taj Gibson.

Last night, the Bulls were playing in the Eastern Conference Finals. I have expressed my love for the Bulls on this blog so many times that people are probably a little disturbed by it. The Bulls are one of few things that can set me off and make me act like a madman. That said, I watched Sunday night's game with a girl I had only hung out with a few times. Some would say that's not a good idea. Others would say it's a terrible idea. "But she's from Chicago." Still not a good idea. Because I act crazy.

At the beginning of the game, I was tempering my reactions, keeping things to, "Good shot, Lu," "Rotate, Booz, rotate!" and an occasional "Come the fuck on."

Then this play happened.

I yelled, "Nuts in your mouth! Nuts. In. Your. Mouth. D-Wade, how do you like the taste of those nuts?" Then I rewound it and watched it approximately 10 times, each time acknowledging the exact moment D-Wade got nuts in his mouth.

She laughed instead of being frightened. That's always a good sign. I told her that if she wasn't there, I would have started running through my apartment, maybe even the entire neighborhood, yelling, "Did you see that shit?"

I tried to calm it down a little after that.

Then this happened.

A YouTube commenter wrote, "That dunk was so nasty I had to change my computer to porn when my mom walked in."

That dunk happened while she was talking, and my Bulls love took over. I jumped straight up, like someone just used horse defibrillators on me. I jumped and yelled, "Oh shit. Oh Shit. Oh shit." Then I started doing Ric Flair "Wooo"s. About five of them. Then I had to explain to her who Ric Flair is. From there, I grabbed her face and told her, "We are so happy right now." And she didn't run away. So I think I've found a good one. But what really matters is that the Bulls are going to win the championship.

And now the porn thing.

Every now and then, I'm contacted by someone who is a fan of Ryan Conner Porn Star. These guys are just guessing email addresses, I assume. Like ryanconner@aol, ryanconner@excite, ryanconner@lycos, et cetera. When I receive these messages, I have two options. I can ignore them. Or, I can fuck with someone who is so delusional that they think they can pick up a porn-star with an unsolicited email. I usually engage them until it gets really weird. The first one got weird when the guy sent me three pictures. One, a regular shot. One of him lying on a bed in spandex shorts. And a third picture of the Hoover Dam. He wasn't in the picture. It's just the Hoover Dam. And he spelled it "Hover Dam." That's what freaked me out. The pictures of himself, fine. He's delusional. But a picture of a dam? He's fucking crazy too. But that guy has nothing on this guy.

Subject: INFORMATION

Hello Ryan

My name is Sergio, I'm Brazilian.
Have your watch many films and really enjoyed it.
Want to know if you still do porn movies.

Cheers!

When I saw the subject line, I thought it was spam. I'm so glad I didn't delete it. I responded:

Sergio~

Hey there! Thanx for writing me;)

I am still in the business. Which of my films do U like best?

R

He wrote back:

Subject: RESPONSE

Ryan I liked all that I watch, but what most excited me was the film "Ryan Conner vs.Lex Steele - Anal fri video" dueto his great performance in front of a penis so largethat.
I wonder if you feel happy in every moment of the film.

I await your response.

Now it's getting creepy. Ryan Conner vs. Lex Steele sounds like an arcade game, but I assure you it's not. Solargethat! I wrote back:

Ah yes. That film was quite the challenge~-8) It was a blast though LOL

I just shot 2 more films that are cumming out in a couple months.

"Cumming" makes me laugh every time I think of it. And "~-8)" is a made-up emoticon, which I hope Sergio will begin using to impress me.

Then things got awesome. He sent me the below email. I posted the responses I would have sent, had I participated in the interview, instead of sending him what you'll see below this.

Subject: INTERVIEW

Hello, Ryan Conner !!!!

I'm sorry if you have any English error messages I'm sending these to you. Actually my English is still very weak.
From now you too apologize if I'm bothering you with my messages.
I always wanted to get in touch with you and now I found your email on the Internet using the opportunity. But I promise not to annoy you more when I do a short interview (Interview? For a local paper or something?), because for me there is no other porn star like you. You're a celebrity for me. I think you're beautiful in every way: face, legs, buttocks (clearly using a translator), breasts, height, skin color, along with their sensuality that is over! (Try that on your significant other. "Your sensuality is over!")
Please place your answers after the letter R:, which is below each question.
1) You've been here in Brazil?
R: I have not been there in Brazil.
2) Have you done any movie scene with a Brazilian author? If you did, what's his name?
R: Yes. Paulo Coehlo, author of The Alchemist. Three movie scenes. He is a man of sensuality that is over!
3) How much more the man who draws your attention?
R: Many much more man who draws my attention it is that who is.
4) Do you feel pleasure in every scene of the movie you do?
R: Even when I'm not doing a scene of the movie I do, I feel the pleasure.
5) At any time, you felt pain in a sexual relationship?
R: I once dated an elephant. It was brutal.
6) You feel more pleasure with men of large penises, medium or small?
R: I'm not really into sizes. I have more of a texture fetish. I love penises that feel like corduroy.
7) Would you accept your daughter do porn?
R: Sure. Why not leave it up to my family to keep you jerking off for a few more decades!
8) Do you masturbate when alone?
R: If you masturbate when you aren't alone, you definitely do it when you are alone. Come on, Sergio. Logic.
9) Do you have any religion? What's the name?
A: Ass Worship 6. You can buy it on my website, ryanconner.com.
10) Which author would you most like porn to make movie with him?
R: Norman Mailer. But he's dead, so I'll have to get my fix with Coehlo's corduroy.
11) You want to do porn until age?
R: Until the age of Acquarius.
12) Have you ever had sex with a fan of yours?
R: Yes, but it was one of those hand-held fans that you take to Six-Flags in July. Ironically enough, I've never had sex with a box fan.
13) Have you ever watched a Brazilian porn? What do you think?
R: Don't get too personal here.
14) Do you have sex every day?
R: I never have sex, to be honest. I fuck.

I'm awaiting your answers

Thanks and a hug. (Now he tries to class it up and play the "sensitive guy" role?)

Sergio

My real response. And the best thing I have ever done.

HEY SERGIO!

GREAT QUESTIONS;)

I WOULD LOVE TO ANSWER YOUR INTERVIEW. BUT FIRST CAN U DO ME A FAVOR? I HAVE 2 NEW MOVIES THAT I JUST SHOT (ALL OVER MY ASS!) AND I WANT A QUOTE FROM A FAN TO PROMOTE THEM WHEN THEY CUM OUT.

CAN YOU EITHER SEND A SHORT WEBCAM VIDEO ABOUT WHAT YOU HOPE TO SEE IN MY NEW MOVIES OR WRITE A FEW SENTENCES ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE IN THEM? I WON'T USE YOUR NAME. IT WILL JUST SAY "A FAN."

THEY ARE CALLED "ASS CRASH MONSTER" AND "CHINESE SECRETS." IF U CAN JUST GIVE ME A FEW SENTENCES FOR EACH 1 THAT WOULD BE GREAT AND I CAN DO THEINTERVIEW!!!!

HUGZ

R

He did not respond, I'm guessing because he Googled Ass Crash Monster (my series about hipsters) and Chinese Secrets. You can buy Chinese Secrets here on my website, by clicking on the Store link. And the first episode of ACM is here as well. I'm in the middle of figuring out how to release the rest of the series. I think it's really good and it's just been sitting on my hard drive for months. Pathetic. It's coming soon though.

Bye-bye.

The Annual NBA Playoffs Preview That No One Cares About

Warning to regular readers: This is not funny. It's not trying to be funny. It's about basketball.

My background: Basketball has been one of the three most important things in my life since I was about four. I could dunk in college. I even dunked a couple months ago, the last time I played. I won the three point contest in college by shooting a 26 out of 30 in the final. I know how to read NBA offenses and defenses. I watch around 300-350 NBA games per year. Consider this to be free expertise. Commence reading.

Disclaimer: I'm a huge Bulls fan. I miss an average of 3-4 games per year. I wear the Bulls' 2000 Draft Night hat just to show people that I was a fan when they couldn't win 20 games.

Eastern Conference:

#1 Chicago Bulls vs #8 Indiana Pacers

The Bulls are obviously going to destroy the Pacers. The Bulls have won 19 of 21, and 14 straight road games. That is impressive. That said, the Bulls went 15-1 in their division this year. The only thing preventing them from having the first perfect division record in NBA history was the Indiana Pacers. A few weeks ago, Tyler Hansbrough was unstoppable. He had about 8 straight games where he was one of the top two players on the floor each night. They played the Bulls during that streak and he out-energied them. The good news for Chicago is that Granger is back and Hansbrough doesn't get the touches anymore. And Luol Deng will pretty much shut Granger down. Sweep. 4-0.

#4 Orlando Magic vs #5 Atlanta Hawks

This is the best first round match-up in the East. If Orlando had two more viable big men, they would be a title contender, but Dwight Howard is literally their entire interior and entire defense. Gortat is just there so that Howard can take Gatorade breaks. This will be a great series because Orlando is jump-shooting team. Jump-shooting teams ALWAYS lose in the playoffs against a good defensive team. You're not going to be hot on 4 out of 7 nights against a good defensive team. Atlanta has one of the best individual line-ups of defenders: Josh Smith, Kirk Hinrich, Joe Johnson and Al Horford. That is a perfect defense. On paper, that is. Here is where I backtrack. If Joe Johnson was playing at the level he was at before he signed the new contract last summer, Atlanta would take this in six. However, you don't enter the playoffs on a six game losing streak and start hot. Their chemistry is fleeting. Orlando should win this series in seven games, because of Atlanta's inconsistency. If Atlanta comes out flat in game 2 (I'm expecting them to lose game 1), Orlando could win in five. If Howard wasn't 99% responsible for Orlando's defense, and someone else could guard someone, this could be an Orlando sweep. This will be an anomaly of a series, when a jump-shooting team beats a defensive team, simply because the jump-shooting team also has the best defender in the game and Atlanta is too streaky.

#2 Miami Heat vs #7 Philadelphia 76ers

Philadelphia has been playing better than they are, which will come to an end. They're like the Scott Skiles Bulls. Doug Collins maximizes every player. It serves your team great during the regular season because you'll beat the bad teams almost every time. But in the playoffs, you have to play playoff teams every night. I'll get to Miami in more depth for the next series. Miami in five, although a sweep wouldn't surprise me. The fact that Collins got the here is as impressive as the Bulls winning 62.

#3 Boston Celtics vs #6 New York Knicks

The most underrated elite team versus the most overrated mediocre team. The Celtics seem to be coasting lately - four or five weeks. Rondo has been playing like a pile of dung in comparison to his standards. Two years ago, Rondo had a passable regular season. When the playoffs started, he was an animal. Boston has the second best defense in the league. The Knicks score a lot. The determining factors are going to be: The Knicks allow 106 points every night, while Boston has the most efficient offense in the league(maybe #2 since their recent slump). Boston plays at a pace that will force the Knicks into half-court offense, which means NY will settle into ISO. ISO doesn't work against Boston. They rotate too well on penetration. The most important deciding factor is that Boston plays as a team. The Knicks watch Melo-Amare-Billups. If all three aren't hot, and Toney Douglas doesn't have a career game, they don't have a chance on any night. This will be an entertaining series, but Boston will take it in five.

Eastern Conference Second Round

Bulls vs Magic

Orlando doesn't have the depth inside to play with the Bulls. And their shooters will not have time against Chicago's close-outs, which are video game quick. Derrick Rose will not allow the Bulls to drop more than one game against Orlando. I think it will be game 3. So, Bulls in five.

Miami vs Boston

Best series so far. Two weeks ago, I would have said Boston in six. Now I don't know. If the Celtics had kept Kedrick Perkins, I would pick them to win the East, no question. That loss makes them a different team. Miami is peaking. I still don't know if Miami will have the balance to beat a great defensive team like Boston four times. Miami's defense is great too. Boston has the most efficient offense. This is the toughest series to predict in the playoffs this year. I think it will come down to Rondo. If he plays up to his potential, we could see Boston closing the series in six on their home-court. If it goes to seven, on one hand, it's hard to see Miami losing game 7 at home, but it's just as inconceivable for the Celtics' defense to let Miami's big three have 4 big games. I think I have to go with Boston in six because of Miami's poor PG play. That said, I would not be surprised if Miami ran Boston out of the gym in five games. You can't predict what Miami Heat team will show up from night to night. But officially, Boston in 6.

Eastern Conference Finals

Bulls versus Heat

The Bulls swept the Heat during the regular season, but neither team was healthy in any of the three games. Based on the Bulls rarely having a poor game, unrelenting effort, and D-Rose's dominance, the Bulls will take this series in six.

Western Conference

#1 SA Spurs vs #8 Memphis Grizzlies

Memphis is better than an 8 seed. They're actually a really good team. If San Antonio is healthy, they are the best team in the league. Even if Manu is out longer than they anticipate, this series still won't last long. The Spurs are just too good. Spurs in 5.

#4 OKC Thunder vs #5 Denver Nuggets

Denver is the most balanced team in the league. They have the third best record in the league since they got rid of Melo, behind the Bulls and Lakers. Kobe praised them a few weeks ago after the Lakers lost to Denver, saying the Nuggets have two starting line-ups and no bench players. True. Plus the Nuggets are one of the best coached teams in the league. A lot of experts are picking Denver, but I don't see it happening. OKC is the 4th or 5th best team in the league. They have two superstars and a great defensive presence by someone I hate as much as Bill Laimbeer, Kedrick Perkins. OKC in six, although every game in this series will be very close.

#2 Lakers vs #7 New Orleans Hornets

This year's Lakers are literally unbeatable when they're on. The Hornets are very good when David West is healthy. He isn't healthy now. This will be a sweep that might be embarrassing in two or three games.

#3 Dallas Mavericks vs #6 Portland Trailblazers

Portland is not a 6 seed. If Roy had been healthy all season, they would be sitting around 3 or 4. Dallas, as usual, is a great regular season team. Tyson Chandler's presence inside will make every game close. Dirk will always deliver. But Portland is so deep. The combination of Aldridge, Roy and Gerald Wallace is as good of a 1-2-3 punch as any in the NBA. I know it sounds crazy, but there's no ego with these three. They're great teammates. Even Roy, with all of his skills, doesn't spurn the offense for ISO. I like Portland in 7.

Western Semis

#1 Spurs vs #4 Thunder

If the Spurs aren't 100%, OKC will out-energy them. OKC could take this series, but I have to count on the Spurs playing a 4 or 5 game series in the first round while OKC plays 6 or 7. With the possible extra week of rest (in addition to the sometimes 3-4 days off in the first round) to keep the Spurs fresh, I like the Spurs in 7.

#2 Lakers vs #6 Portland

Re-read what I wrote about the Lakers. This will be a walk. They will get lazy and lose game 4, and wrap it up back in LA in game 5.

Western Conference Finals

#1 Spurs vs #2 Lakers

If LA loses sync, as they have during three streaks this season, the Spurs will take this series, again, provided they're healthy. But ultimately, the Lakers have the biggest, best roster, and the best coach. They're built for the playoffs. Lakers in 6.

NBA Finals

#1 Chicago Bulls vs #2 LA Lakers

Holland is my national soccer team. I already know what it feels like for your favorite team lose in the final, after the World Cup last year. It takes time, but eventually I cope.

Logic, numbers, momentum, home-court and every quantifiable measure tells me the Bulls win this. The Lakers will get destroyed by Derrick Rose for sure. The Bulls are the only team in the league with the front-court depth to play with LA. Deng guards Kobe as well as anyone. The Bulls have home-court, are the best home team in the league, and are riding a 14 game road winning streak. The Bulls dominated the NBA's elite this year, while LA was just good against them. There are so many reasons to believe that the Bulls will win. But I still say the Lakers are the Lakers and Phil Jackson is Phil Jackson. They don't lose to young teams in the playoffs. Somehow, LA will find a way to win game 6 or 7 in Chicago and win the series. I'm sad about it already.

All of the above predictions will happen, except hopefully not the Finals.

Web Hosts and Columbia (Not the Country)

-I did a show at Columbia on Saturday with a few friends, Eric Patrick, Jermaine Fowler, and the svelte Bryson Turner. I went to the bathroom before the show and saw this sign.

I was confused. Everyone was confused. First, there's a nearby footbath, because why wouldn't there be. But people are spurning them for the sinks? Or was it one rogue foot-washer who thought he was above footbaths? Someone told me it's a Muslim thing. I'm sure it is, but I know a lot of Muslims, and none of them are freaking out about their feet being dirty. Just take a shower when you get home and you'll be fine, hypothetical person. I have a feeling just one person washed their feet in the sink. Or someone made a mess in the bathroom, and some nutjob blamed the mess on "Them Muslins! They come over here and wash their feet wherever they want." Calm down, nutjob.

Jermaine and I decided to have a little fun with the sign/sink.

See here:

We racistly named the picture, "Turn Back the Clock Night." At first, we had to decide who would be the washer and who would be the washee. Then I said, "Oh, racial undertones..." And he nodded his head and laughed.

After the show, we asked a few students where we could get pizza. The correct answer is "On any corner for the next 15 miles." What the students said was, "Follow us." These three girls led us 10 blocks to mediocre $4 pizza. It's pretty hard to find mediocre pizza in New York, and it's even harder to find a plain slice that costs more than $3. If that wasn't annoying enough, during the walk there, they were constantly labeling everything about Columbia as either "ghetto" or "hipster," which are the two most-used entitled-white-girl-adjectives in the lexicon. One of them actually said, "I just want to transfer to a real school with some school spirit." Shut your dumb mouth. One of the top schools in the world isn't a "real school"? They were stuck in the high school mentality of labels and school spirit, which is something I didn't even understand as a 12-year-old. "All of our parents bought houses in the same neighborhood! Go Bobcats!" No thanks.

If these girls didn't already annoy everyone enough, they tipped the scales after we got to the pizza place that was a mile away from my car and they didn't even eat. They had three cups of water and watched us eat. If any of these things are things that you've thought about doing with your life, please reconsider.

-A year ago, I bought a second web domain and never followed through with the site. I received notices that if I didn't renew, it would expire. Perfect, I thought. I didn't renew. Then I got an email yesterday which said my account had been renewed and they took it upon themselves to charge my card. I chatted with support online for a while. They were trying to say I authorized it. I proved that I didn't. Then they said they would refund a portion of the money and keep the rest as an "early cancellation fee." I explained why it's wrongful charge, not an early cancellation for something that had been charged minutes earlier. They wouldn't budge. So I wrote, "Thanks for your time. Instead of receiving a partial refund, I will file a charge-back with my bank." Charge-backs really hurt a merchant's standing with their bank, if upheld, so she immediately wrote back, "We will cancel and issue a full refund immediately, but only on the grounds that we now own the rights to that domain." Um, sure. Were you paying attention? I don't want the domain. That's what this is all about. It's as if I returned a pair of shoes and the manager said, "Okay, we'll let you return them. But if you do that, we're going to keep the shoes. You can't take them with you." Right. I think she just wanted to phrase it to sound like she won the argument.

-Roommate Quincy and I have compiled a list of things that happened almost daily as kids, but are eventually phased out as you get older. I still do two of them. I'm 30.

1. Random bloody noses.

2. Shampoo in the eyes.

3. Falling down and crying.

4. Pretending to punch things and making the punch noise with your mouth.

5. Pretending to dunk on a door frame.

6. Pee-pee dance.

7. Hitting your funny-bone.

8. Jumping for no reason.

9. Running everywhere.

I do get bloody noses from time-to-time because of dry sinuses. But that's not a kid bloody nose. Kid bloody noses are either mysterious, or because something that should never happen happened. Like, "Well, he threw the frog at me and..."

I pretend to punch Quincy and make the punch sound with my mouth at least twice a week. I don't think I'll ever stop that.

Once I turned about 14, I stopped hitting my funny-bone and enjoying roller-coasters. They have both probably happened five times since then. I like that.

I really like that kids don't walk. If they have their way, they run everywhere. Think about it: At pools, the lifeguard has to constantly yell, "Don't run!" But why would anyone run at a pool? Nothing is going anywhere. Because running everywhere for no reason is fun. I wish adults did this. It would be constant bedlam. People would sprint to get salt out of the pantry. The sidewalks would look like Godzilla must be lurking around every corner. That's just good livin'.

APOTHECARY!

Appetizer:

The top two funniest things I've heard someone say in the last six months:

2. "There's no better feeling than making people laugh. I guess a close second would be closing a sale." I want to know what number three is.

1. "She's just gonna be sittin' on the toilet, lookin' swagged as fuck." No explanation necessary.

Last night, Erin Conroy and I enjoyed one of the greatest nights of both of our lives. I've mentioned here previously that I love awful things. One of my favorite albums is by a Maryland rapper named Tae-Ron ("Like Tony the Tiger, now my life is great-great-great!"). Boxing Helena may be my favorite movie, but I'm constantly debating whether or not I like Guns better. I love terrible.

A friend of mine, who for his sake, we'll call Bob, is in a play this weekend. I asked him about it a couple weeks ago. He said it's $18. I asked how it is. He said, "Worst production ever." He has been in plays for 25 years. He's familiar with some productions.

I was ready for it to suck, but didn't know if it would break the "So shitty I could watch it for 24 hours" threshold. Then , yesterday afternoon, photos from rehearsal were posted on Facebook. The pictures themselves were worth $18. The play is by Moliere, a 17th century French playwright. That's some context. Now, the pictures. Everyone is in period garb. But Bob is wearing a giant gold dunce cap, with a long blonde wig. Meanwhile, the furniture is clearly from the 70s, and there are modern medicine bottles on the tables.

A lot of comedy from as recently as the 90s feels dated. So, how dated is comedy from the 1670s? Very. The same situations are always funny, but the conventions that deliver them aren't universal. The dunce cap... what the fuck? What a simpler time.

"And he shall be wearing the cap of the fool! Oh, but wait, that isn't all. It shall sparkle of gold!" Hilarious.

We arrived at the theater an hour and a half early to get tickets. As we approached the theater, we heard them running a scene. It was so bad that Erin and I looked at each other and said in unison, "I think we'll be fine."

The initial plan was to get a slice of pizza, then come right back. But the taste of the show made us realize we should make a night of it. So we had a good meal. Came back 15 minutes before the show. Tickets were bought, then the waiting game began. While walking around the halls, we discovered that the neighboring theater was selling Arbor Mist "wine." We loaded up, and took our seats in the back row of the theater.

The theater was pretty small, maybe 50-60 seats, with the stage in the middle of the two stands of seats. We could see the crowd opposite us as well as we could see the performers. This made things even better.

During the show, I kept a running diary on my phone, which is just one of 37 reasons we could have been kicked out. The good thing is that it was a comedy. So although we were laughing at the wrong moments, at least we were laughing.

Now, the running diary (Note: All of these things were said by me to Erin, unless otherwise noted.):

-The back row is rickity. I'm not sure if it's stable enough to sit on. Erin: "Let's lean back and see if it kills us."

-We're 15 minutes in. Holy geez. The director should be in a dunk tank in the hallway while everyone is leaving. This crime can't go unpunished.

-Erin: "This play should be called, "My First Scene."

-(The lead was over-acting hard. Everyone else was at a 4. She was in the 30s range.) I would pay for someone from the Arbor Mist play to walk in and go "Bitch, you need to calm the fuck down."

-The worst actor I have ever seen just said, "Don't you say fiddlesticks to me!" That's always been my policy too.

-Erin just choked on her Arbor Mist when a woman walked out in the Queen Elizabeth headgear thing. When she was composed, she said, "She's wearing a neck-pillow." Erin was right.

-Erin, scenario for you: You've been dating the male lead for three months. Then you see this. How much does that change things? Erin: "I don't even want to think about it."

-The Notary, who "happened to be in the other room," which is where I keep my local notary, will from henceforth be known as "What Should I Do With My Hands????." Erin: "They let her in the play because she brought that outfit from home.

-30 minutes in and I'm working up a good laughter sweat.

-(A guy playing a crazy jester or something came in. It bordered on terrifying.) Are they mixing in The Elephant Man here, or is this scene from MASK? Erin: "He's not in the play. He's a local homeless who wandered in." (He then stabbed himself in the chest with a stick.) You know 40,000 homeless die every year in New York. (10 seconds of silence) Erin: "Panty. Dropper."

-(The tramp is surrounded by four weird cupids, who are chanting.) This is not making me have to shit less. (Eventually, a guy cupid and a girl cupid throw the tramp.) It can't be a compliment to be the girl elected to throw the tramp.

-(Our friend's gold hat thing was coming up. We could tell, because we could see the hat bouncing up and down over the backstage barrier.) Erin: "This is like a more awesome version of JAWS." (That would be comment of the night so far.)

-Shaft (I don't know what this one means. Must be a typo.)

-Real sweat now. Thick lather.

-(The female lead is overacting harder than ever.) Is her character supposed to be autistic? (Not a shot at autistic people, but at her performance. Take it easy.)

-(At this point, we started watching the other audience members.) The girl on the back left looks sad. Erin: "She looks like she's taking a shit." A sad shit.

-Someone in the crowd is reading. That's worse than keeping a live journal.

-Girl in red is loving it. She's laughing when you're supposed to laugh. And I think she's eating her boogers right now.

-(The play takes place in France, and a black actress came in.) Is that Sally Hemmings? (This one is for 10 people.)

-(As Sally Hemmings was being spanked by the terrible acting lead...) I've seen better acting in porn. Actually in most porn. Erin: "You're right. Wow." (This was a weird awakening moment. I think we both gained more respect for porn-stars.)

-Old guy just crossed his legs to conceal his boner.

-(The entire back row looks miserable.) Red is loving it. The back row is going to sign a suicide pact at intermission.

-(There was utter chaos on stage for five minutes. We didn't know what was happening.) How much would you like to see a cameo by the Micro Machines guy right now?

-I didn't watch the Godfather until three months ago because I didn't think I had three hours to spare.

-(The back row is out. They look dead.) The cyanide is kicking in now.

-(We just met my new favorite actor. He's Korean. The play is set in 17th century France. And he FAKED a CHINESE accent. It was unbelievable. He had no accent off stage. And the voice sounded just like the bad guy from Big Trouble in Little China.) You've seen Big Trouble in Little China? Erin: "Of course." From now on, that guy's name is Wang.

-(Wang just yelled "Apothecary," for no apparent reason.) That's the first time anyone has yelled "apothecary." Erin: "Seeing how this is going, it won't be the last."

-(Wang just did a soliloquy that dreams are made of. His arms move like they're made of robots.) He's gonna get a Tony for that. Erin: "You mean his boyfriend Tony is going to say 'Good job'? Maybe."

-This would be a good show if it was improv.

-The entire other half of the audience looks dead, except for the old couple in the front. I can't tell if they're parents of a cast-member or tourists. I really hope they're tourists. This would ruin NYC for them.

-Wang has been on stage for 15 minutes without any lines. Just calculated reactions. Every five seconds, it's like he's saying to himself, "Surprised... Confused... Riled up... Step to the left..."

-(There's a scene where the nurse keeps disappearing and coming back in with a beard, then disappearing and coming back without the beard, over and over.) I think this scene is how Superman was conceived.

-(Re: The old couple) Erin: "Shoes off. Front row." (The woman was rubbing her feet together. It only made the night better.) Uh-oh, the scarf is coming off too. Must be laughter sweat.

-I'm going to write a spin-off. Adventures with Wang.

-WOW. The last line of the play was Wang yelling at the top of his lungs, with his arms flailing, "After all, it is CARNIVAL TIME!"

Glorious. I wish I could say when and where the play is, but I don't want to put Bob in that position.

Going to bad plays is now my new favorite thing to do.

I'm a Winner!

I just received this email:

Congratulations!!! £1,500,000.00 Pounds has been awarded to your email, from Liverwood Promo, Held on March 2011. Fill form below;

Name..
Address..
Country..
Tel..
Alt. Email..

Regards,
Dr Lucy Giles
Liverwood Inc

Naturally, I responded.

Would it be possible to just email the money to me?

I'll keep you posted. I've done this before. The next step is to explain to the person that I prefer to "stay off the grid" due to not trusting banks and having a general fear of government.

What I've Been Doing

The blog has seen a recent drought. My bad. As I've mentioned here before, when there's a blog drought, that means I'm working on other things.

My DVD, Chinese Secrets, is now finished with editing. There's a sketch in the beginning, featuring Meg Cupernall. And there's an hour of stand-up too. Now all we have to do is finalize the packaging, order them, and hope people buy them.

Quincy and I just completed editing our first short film. And we're shooting another in a week or so. We won't be able to put them online until June. But I thought you should know that's in your back pocket. Rest easy, folks.

I have a lot of stand-up dates to add to the website too. But for some reason I keep putting it off. I have to wait until I have the energy to open Dreamweaver.

I made two situations weird for other people this week.

I was in CVS with my roommate, Pat House, on Wednesday night. He said he wanted to buy a soda. While he was doing that, I was browsing the Ben and Jerry's. I looked to my right and saw him looking at gallons of milk. At least I thought it was him. It was a guy with the same color hair. Same jacket. Same height. But it was not him. He bent down to pick up a gallon of whole milk. I said, "You're getting milk from CVS? What a fucking weirdo." The guy did not respond because he was not my roommate. I looked at ice cream for a couple more seconds, until he walked behind me. Then I followed him to the register. At first, I said, "I don't know why I'm physically unable to not buy Ben and Jerry's. I should just get pregnant so it at least makes sense." Once again, he didn't respond. Because once again, he was not my roommate. As we walked to the register, I continued to taunt him for buying milk at CVS when we live next to a grocery store. No response. While we were waiting in line, I noticed that his hair was a little shorter than usual. So I said, "Someone got a haircuuuuut!" Then his face turned slightly and I discovered this guy looked nothing like my roommate. I panicked and walked away. In retrospect, I should have apologized. Or he could have said, "I don't know you." But it was probably my duty to apologize, not his.

Item #2.

Watch that video. The song, Smell Yo Dick, is as catchy as California Dreamin'.

I started a day job a little over a month ago. Over the past five years, I have only had a job for five months. So this is very foreign to me. I don't understand what's appropriate, and I cross the line too often. Example: I brought something into a lawyer's office. He was playing Lionel Ritchie's "Easy" at the time. When I got back to my desk, I IM'd him, "You have to warn me the next time you're playing Lionel Ritchie. Had I known, before I came, I would have slipped into something sexy." No response.

But the big oops was when I was at my desk singing, "Let me smell yo dick." I was into it. You can't sing that song and not be into it. Then I noticed a presence behind me. A middle-aged Jamaican lady was behind me, observing my performance. I handled it like a champ. I pretended it didn't happen and said, "Hey, what's up?" My calm made her forget about it. It's the closest thing to a Jedi Mind Trick that I have ever pulled off.

The subject of the song is confusing. Before I listened to the song, I heard the title and thought it was a new sex act: Dick sniffing. I thought it was weird and didn't understand who gets what out of that.

"She smelled my dick, son."

"Oh shit! Word?"

Then I found out that you're supposed to do it if you think your boyfriend/husband/whatever has been cheating. There are other solutions. How about asking, "Are you cheating on me?" That usually solves it. You can tell if someone is lying. It's a violation of trust, although if you're up for dick-sniffing, you probably aren't a trusting person to begin with, but just check his call log or texts. How about looking for stray hairs. There are other ways. That's all I'm saying. I just think that finding out he's cheating on you is probably less humiliating than getting on your knees and sniffing a dick for foreign particles. Then what? "Oh, this smells like Brenda's vagina?" How do you know? Or if she doesn't pick up a scent, does she just tap the balls and say, "There you go. Clean bill of health." Who wants to sit down for a casual dinner after that? What I'm saying is, you don't have to dick sniff. Wasn't this what the suffrage movement was supposed to eliminate?

There Are No Terrorists on Your Airplane

-My roommate, Quincy, and I had a weird coincidence today. I would say it was slightly more gay than if our cycles synced up, and slightly less gay than us having man-coitus.

A few weeks ago, I started doing P90X. Don't worry. I haven't become a fitness douche. But I was staying with a friend who was doing it to get in shape for an endurance competition. Since I was staying with him, my choices were a) Do P90X with him. b) Watch him do P90X. That's easy. Watching would have been really weird. It's like at my friend John's bachelor party when Jim and I jumped right into the hot tub at the beach house. Everyone was standing around talking about how weird it was that the two of us went straight for the hot tub together. Really? Is it as weird as 10 other guys watching two guys hanging out in a hot tub? I'll answer that for you. No, it isn't.

That's the background.

I called Quincy this afternoon.

"Hey man. Want to do P90X yoga with me at 6:30?"

"Can't."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm already doing yoga somewhere else."

Long pause.

"I have some thinking to do. Talk to you later."

-I performed at University of Wisconsin-Stout last Tuesday. The return flight connected in Philadelphia. It's a 25 minute flight from there to NYC. But it's three hours longer if someone on the plane accuses a fellow passenger of being a terrorist.

Two guys who look like Glenn Beck book owners kept repeating, "Don't dismiss the threat! Don't take this lightly!" The flight attendant stayed calm and said, "Sirs, the man who dropped the bag off for the passenger is an airline employee. The passenger left the bag at the gate on accident."

The assholes would have none of it. "All I know is I saw someone get on the plane with a bag, and get off without a bag. How do I know it wasn't a bomb?"

She looked at him like he was insane. He said, "I'll show you the passenger and the bag."

First a swarm of TSA employees came onto the plane. One of the assholes pointed out the passenger and the bag. The guy looked and sounded like a Swedish banker. The bag was a laptop bag, which contained... a laptop... SURPRISE!

The plane was evacuated for hours.

We got back on and another dickface, who I was sitting next to, until I switched seats with his wife, protested, "When we were off the plane, how do we know they didn't plant another bomb?"

1. This guy had ashes on his forehead. If you're walking around with ashes on your forehead, you shouldn't be allowed to question other people's decisions until you wash your forehead.

2. ANOTHER bomb? It was a laptop. We know that.

Then he said that all TSA employees were idiots. The flight attendant was pissed. His wife was embarrassed. I was amused.

-I got an email from a stranger who was trying to be flirtatious. I wasn't interested. But instead of telling her that, or being rude and not responding, I wrote things to her that I would only write to very close friends... or on my blog, to terrify her.

My response included the sentence, "But everyone knows monkey brains have AIDS in them." It wasn't offensive in context, I don't think. It's just a weird sentence that would scare a stranger.

She asked me if I could start my own idyllic society, where would it be, who would be there, and what would the major holiday be. On one hand, weird question. On the other hand, somewhat creative. My response, more creative. Here it is:

Great question. Many have attempted to answer this question. Plato contemplated this, which resulted in perhaps the most important piece of philosophy ever written. Let's see if my republic stacks up to his.

It would be situated in the state of Utah, and would be full of Mormons. The people would be very nice, well-educated, but have an odd belief system. The main holiday would be Ass-Balls Day. It would fall on what we know as Palm Sunday. Ass-Balls Day would be celebrated with potluck barbecues. It would be required that all attendees dress as their favorite Ass-Ball. All costumes must be made of palm leaves. Sound good?

She has not responded.

Newer Game

I just devised a new game. It's called, "Read the Article and Guess When the Comments Get Racist."

Here's an article that works.

How Not To Behave on an Elevator

I thought elevator etiquette was pretty well-established at this point in time. Not so, as I found out this morning.

I got on an elevator. Then a woman joined me. But instead of pressing her button and facing the door, she pressed the button and faced me. She was about three feet from me, looking directly at my face, holding a cup of coffee underneath her chin. She was wearing a beret. I think that has to be known. Because she was facing and staring at me, I assumed she wanted to say something. I removed my headphones, and gave her the "Let's not make this awkward," nod. She didn't process it and continued to stare and say nothing. After about four more tense seconds, she lifted the coffee cup to her lips and started slurping what had spilled onto the lid. But not a regular slurp. It sounded like an alien learning to drink, REALLY loud and cartoonish, while spinning the cup around like an electric can opener. When she finished being a lunatic, she looked back at me and said, "Have a good rest of your day." Then, no exaggeration, she skipped off the elevator.

He didn't look crazy

I was just sitting on the subway. There was a big(fat, not muscular) guy next to me. He was a little sweatier than he should have been. But nothing disgusting. He didn't look crazy.
I was listening to music when he tapped me on the shoulder. I took off my headphones for this.
"Do you think that statement makes sense?" he asked, pointing to a sign with a C.S. Lewis quote, which said something to the effect of "Friendship begins when one person says to another, 'You too? I thought it was only me!'"
I hesitated to respond. Then I said, "I guess so. It's a little simple, but the idea is there."
Him: "Heh. I wonder because I just switched faiths from my old one to my mother's Mormon faith. And Mormon's tend to be much friendlier than most people."
I know several Mormons, all of whom are very friendly. So I said, "I could see that."
Less than one second later, he asked, "How many gyms do you think there are in New York City?"
"Gyms or gems?"
"To work out."
"I don't know. A lot."
"You've got Crunch. What else?"
"New York Sports Club, Equinox, Golds... There are tons."
"And Bally's. So at least 5."
"At least. What gym do you belong to?"
"I don't."
He looked at me with disapproval and told me he works out every day. I saw him. He does not. He then recommended I cut all meats from my diet, except for fish. For some reason, I wanted him to like me, so I responded, "I did that a long time ago. Best thing I ever did." Not true at all. But he approved. He recommended some sort of herb to me, and I got off the train. I think the whole time he was trying to get me to say, "You too? I thought I was the only one!"

follow up

I forgot to mention that Erin has two functioning VCRs. She doesn't give up. That's a virtue in most circles.

What if I...?

-This was originally going to be my last post about Jersey Shore. But I forgot what I was going to write about the show. So I'll just say this: Deana looks like a Klitschko brother. She might be the only person I've ever seen who makes me physically recoil.

-Due to a severe miscalculation, which I'll write about in a couple weeks (THIS WILL BE GOOD, but I can't talk about it yet), I'm staying at my friend Erin Conroy's apartment this week. Highlights of the stay so far:

On night one, she said, "It's 11:11, make a wish!" And I yelled, "Dolphins." The next morning, my aunt told me she saw dolphins at Sea World. Sometimes you just have to believe, and things will happen.

On morning one, I woke her up by playing guitar and singing, "She's a Slut and She Knows It," from Summer Heights High. It brought tears to her eyes.

On night two, something so hysterical happened, that I can't mention it on my blog. Stand-up only. I realize this paragraph is pointless now. But now if you hear me tell the story on stage, you'll know who it's about.

Night three, I had to leave in five minutes, and I wanted to play guitar for 4 minutes and 54 seconds. I had no choice but to eat an entire banana in 6 seconds. Sometimes we have to deal with the cards that life deals us. Her response to it, "I have never seen anything more handsome than that." It's that kind of honesty that I live for.

Last night was the best though. We were at the show she runs at Bar on A. Now, I'm not a big drinker. Last night, I had two beers. But they were huge. About two pints each. That's a lot for me on a Wednesday. I asked Erin if she wanted a beer. She said she switched to whiskey because she's watching her caloric intake. Remember that sentence.

Around 11:40, I was getting tired. She wasn't ready to go. I went back to her place. On the previous night, I got home around 2am, and she told me if I woke her up, she would stab my face off. So, I assumed she would do me the same favor. I got to sleep around 1:30. A couple hours later, she stumbled in, laughing. She walked over and put her hand on my face. "I'm soooo drunk right now. What if... I doo-doo... on your face?"

Then she laughed and walked away. I opened my eyes. She had a dude with her. A guy Mean Gene would call a "behemoth." I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to have to hear this?" And I'll admit my sexism here. If I was at a guy friend's house, he would have got a high five. But I don't want to hear my female friends' sex sounds. I don't want to hear my guy friends' sounds either, but that's something I can deal with and make fun of him for it later.

I wanted to fall back asleep, but I was having a hard time, because I knew I would be awakened by the sounds of horror. Eventually, I was asleep, but of course about 30 seconds of frantic movement in the other room startled me, then almost made me disappointed for its brevity.

So... this morning, I went into her room. The guy was gone. I asked if she knew what she said when she got home. She didn't. She had 7 whiskeys. On a Wednesday. Watching that caloric intake. I re-enacted, "I'm sooo drunk right now. What if... I doo-doo... on your face?" She started laughing and said, "That makes me wish I could date myself."

Then she asked if she really said "doo-doo." I confirmed. She said, "I would normally say poop. You would say doo-doo. Only you and 5-year-olds say 'doo-doo.' You're rubbing off on me." I took it as a compliment, although I'm not sure if it was intended to be one.

I asked what was up with the guy. She told me he's a friend who lives far away in NJ and he missed his train. It wasn't a drunk sexual thing. He just needed a place to sleep. So I asked what the 30 frantic seconds were about. Without missing a beat, she said, "I was probably having night terrors."

Fun week. Hopefully more to come...

- My friend Dan Carroll is building queen-sized bunk beds. That is so much cooler than anything you or I have done. The two coolest things I've done are: I used to have a 24"x36" framed picture of Kevin Nealon reading a map. It wasn't a fan type of thing. I just thought it would be funny to have an enormous framed picture of Kevin Nealon reading a map. My ex-ex threw it out when I was out of town. The other cool thing is a 24"x36" sketch of Danny Rouhier and I face-to-face. It's beautiful. It's on my wall. Go to my Facebook page and check it out. Both of these things pale in comparison to a queen-sized bunk bed. Dan should call Discovery and get them to do an episode of Extreme Engineering on the project. "Nature thought it impossible... But a man was drunk. And that drunk man had a dream..."

- I have a bunch of new dates which I will post soon. I don't know why I'm always slow about this.

Preview of new DVD

My new DVD, Chinese Secrets, will be coming out this Spring. Here's my favorite joke from the set. I studied audio sweetening. I hope I didn't overdo it.

OKCupid Wrap-Up and another thing

- My girlfriend of 3.5 years just broke up with me on Sunday due to some circumstances that made things tough.

Here's where the funny/I'm an idiot part comes in: I wanted to convince her that I wanted to change the circumstances. She thought I was acting irrationally (and didn't really want to) because I was scared of the relationship ending. That isn't the case, as it's something I've wanted to do for a while but never told her. So, I reiterated the same point in a few emails to drive home the point that I'm not being crazy. But, sending someone a lot of emails telling them you're not crazy is not the best way to convince someone you are not crazy. I'm not. I just kept thinking of things I should have included in the previous messages. (By the way, we're talking 5 emails. Not 50.) In hindsight, I may as well have said, "No, I'm thinking straight. Ever since I started doing cocaine, I'm seeing everything for what it is. I started shooting meth yesterday too, and my toenails gave me all the answers. Please listen to me!" So, I messed up.

- My friend Erin has been a huge help in all of this. I decided to repay her just now by sending her an email with imagery that no girl wants of one of her best friends. I wrote, "BTW, my balls still work. I checked this morning." She responded, "Hooray! I was going to ask you about your balls. Good. Good." I don't think she meant it though.

-Because of the break-up, I have no desire to even jokingly maintain profiles for Ghost and Van on a dating site. So, we're wrapping it up now.

Since last post, Ghost has received two unsolicited messages and one message response. The best unsolicited message was, "Subject: Dear Lord... Please tell me this is a joke. Please. By the love of everything." I also received, "Are you for real right now?"

His final tally is two responses from messages he sent. That's 10 points. He also received four unsolicited messages, for 40 points, bringing him to a grand total of 50 points.

No one even considered responding to any of Van's smug bag-o'-douche emails. But he did receive four unsolicited emails. It was mixed bag too. One was way too into him. That was documented earlier on the blog. One thought it was hilarious. One just wrote, "Thanks you." I don't know what that was for. And another realized it was a joke, but did not acknowledge whether or not she thought it was funny. It's the equivalent to telling a joke on stage and someone saying, "I see what you're doing there."

In the end of a terribly anti-climactic contest, Ghost has defeated Van 50-40.

OKCupid Update

It's getting exciting. Van is way more popular than Ghost right now, but I think it's just because he's pulling from a bigger sample. NYC vs Woodbridge, VA. I think I'm going to have to eliminate the page view points to even things out. So it comes down to messages responded to and unsolicited messages received. No one responded to yesterday's messages.

Van's message of the day is a doozy. I don't need to tell you about the girl. You'll gather all the info you need from reading this:

hey...

First off, I just want to say RESPECT for being bi AND a female math teacher. You don't see that combo every day at the market.

That's pretty impressive that you know Ancient Greek. Spoken or written? Ou'le.

I fucking hate pretentious movies too. My favorites are Boxing Helena and Blood Diamond. Have you seen them? How deep did you dig into their radness?

I have to go now. Just got a Beach House bootleg that is waiting to melt my face off.

vAN

Whereas most of Van's matches make sense, every girl recommended to Ghost is way too literate for him. However, this girl is a swinger, which is right up his alley. The message I sent was:

gurl u got way 2 miny wordz on ya shit

all u need 2 say iz the 1st 3 paragrfs.

questyuns:

do i gotta fuck ya boyfrend 2? i aint rilly down wit dat.

u do fuck right? u aint 1 a dem bitches dat like 2 dudes 2 cudle wit r u?

afta dat i just read da blu hi lited wordz.

gaming iz cool

comics like wolverine iz my shit

den u got sum wordz i dont no. da fuck iz a flexitarian?

boobs iz cool u shuld say titties though. sounds more grone up

hit me up if u tryin 2 watch BLOODSPORT and fuck.

GHOST

Today looks promising.

another update

I just noticed that every girl who is interested in Van lists their favorite movie as Amelie.

AlrightCupid

There has been some movement. Both Ghost and Van are getting messaged like it's their job. For Ghost, I got an email from the admins. Based on people rating the profile, it said, "How do people rate your personality? GREAT. How bad do the girls of OKCupid want ghostinthecity? SO BAD." I got the same email for Van. It was the same, except his personality was rated as "REALLY GREAT." I am slowly losing faith in mankind.

Initially, I thought people would like Ghost because he's so ridiculous, but be scared of Van because he comes off as a straight-ahead douche. But there's something called QuickMatch, where people can "choose" someone. Van keeps getting chosen. Go to his profile and tell me how this is happening.

Now, the scoring. 50 people have visited Van's page.

I have sent one message as Van. It received no response.

I have received two unsolicited messages. One girl thought the profile was funny. Congratulations to her for being the one out of 50 who realized it couldn't be real. And the other... Wow. Here's the email she sent.

SO MANY QUESTIONS...

1. What does your shirt say? I can't really figure it out from the picture.

2. What exactly are the new Ivys? I know what the term means, but who decides which schools are new Ivys and which are just your average decent university?

3. I love Matt & Kim! I have Pandora to thank for that actually.

4. What's a good Indian Buffet in the city.

5. Is a tattoo above your cock the male equivalent of a tramp stamp.

6. Nice fez.

Ridiculous. As of now, I haven't responded. I think she may be too emotionally invested in a fake person for me to respond. If I were to respond, the purpose would be to turn her off, but if she's attracted to the profile, the response could have the opposite effect. If I was to respond, this would be the response:

1. Legalize the Irish. They go through a lot and no one talks about it. You should watch Gangs of New York if you want to see a documentary on the subject.

2. If you have to ask, you don't deserve to know. Don't be ignorant.

3. Great. Good for you. We all love Matt & Kim. Let me guess, you love breathing too? Let me provide you with a cupcake.

4. Google.

5. I wish I knew someone who was sitting next to you right now so I could have them slap you.

6. I know.

vAN

And, onto Ghost... He has had only 11 visitors. This could partially be because I have him listed as living in a DC suburb, whereas Van lives in Brooklyn. Oh well. Rules are rules.

Ghost received one response from an email and two unsolicited emails. People think Ghost is funny and have prodded me to break character. It's not happening. Check out this exchange. You'll know which ones are Ghost.

This profile made me laugh.

yeh gurl im funny az shit

Haha I can't decide if you're playing or serious lol.

ghost dont fuck round. well he do but u know wat i meen.

haha. ok.

I think she decided Ghost is retarded at the end.

And my favorite exchange.

ROTFL "Not fuckin round dis time..." hahahahahahah

i aint dat good at spelln. da fuck iz a rotfl??

roll on the floor! Your profile is hysterical.

yeh gurl im funny az shit. bi da way da charts juss came bak in and it apeerz my dick iz even bigger than we 1st thaught.

A reminder of the scoring system:

1 point for profile visit.

5 points for initial message response.

10 points for unsolicited message.

Van - 70

Ghost - 36

This could be a huge upset. I thought Ghost would win in a landslide. Stay tuned...

OKCupid experiment update coming...

I've had a severe migraine for almost 24 hours. The only way I'm able to get on my computer long enough to write this is because I'm in a Percocet haze.

There are really funny updates coming tomorrow.

Ghost, Storming Out Into the Lead

He just got an unsolicited message that said, "haha - this profile made me laugh."

Ghost -15

Van - 0

So far, fake thugs are way more appealing than douches.

Andy Kline sent me an email where he predicted "Van will get more dates, but Ghost will fuck more."

5 Points for Ghost

Ghost got a quick response from someone whom okcupid should not have linked him to. Way too smart, and looks like a British pop star. Okcupid failed me on this one. But I have to play by the rules and write a message to one of the first three the site recommends. Come on, Internet. Ghost needs hood-rats. Look at his profile picture. What about a Stop Snitchin' collage says, "Make sure she's educated and clean"?

That's 5 points for Ghost and 0 for Van.

The response to "whats upgurl? so how tall r u? can you dunk. i can. holla back." was...

"haha... you got wine, a huge dick, AND freedom? daaaym."

Come on, Van. Step up your game.

Message to Users #1

These are the first messages sent to other users.

First, Ghost was recommended someone with a masters degree in something. Good match, Internet. He's illiterate. She has her masters. SIT-COMMMMMM!

She mentions often that she is tall, but doesn't say how tall. I wrote to her:

"whats up gurl? so how tall r u? can you dunk. i can. holla back."

We shall see if she responds. I have $3 on no.

I just noticed there's a compatability page where they measure our answers to a lot of questions. This is one on which we didn't jibe.

Have you ever had a sexual encounter with someone of the same sex?

Her: Yes, and I enjoyed myself.

Ghost: No, and I would never. i aint fuckin no dudes but u can get down wit some bitchs if u want 2.

And another on which we agreed, but I added a little something:

Are you vegetarian or vegan?

Her: No.

Ghost: No. (big dick)

For Van, it was a struggle choosing between a girl who played the accordian and a French swinger. I compromised and sent the following to the French girl:

"You wouldn't happen to play the accordion, would you? Shot in the dark, but I had to ask."

A New Game

Here we go.

A comic told people he hasn't been doing shows lately because, "Ever since I joined OKCupid, I've just been fuckin' too much to have time for shows." He was serious. It has to be one of the funniest things I've ever heard. "Man, I don't have time to breathe much lately... Yeah, fuckin'." You look emaciated. Have you been eating well? "Nah, no time to eat. I've been fuckin' 24/7." Just say you don't have any shows. That's fine. "I don't have shows because I've been fuckin' too much" is ridiculous. "No, I don't have two hours a day to do shows. 8-10 is when I do my best fuckin'."

I scoured okcupid and discovered some pretty douchey things. One girl said her biggest interests are "Lattes and hard-wood floors." I bet she's a hoot. A young Sheryl Crowe.

So, here is what I did.

I decided to create Okcupid.com profiles for the two characters I've done in series (go to my homepage for details), and have them compete.

Here is the page for Ghost from Crucial Element. The profile name is "ghostinthecity." I'm proud of that. My favorite part of his profile: "Ladees I may seem out of your leag but step up to the plate and take a swing. You might be suprised."

Here is the page for Van from A$$ Crash Monster.

The contest will be running for one month. I will send one message per day to a person recommended by okcupid. Scoring works as follows:

1 point for each profile view by an okcupid user.

5 points for each message response from a user.

10 points for any unsolicited messages received from users.

I will post anything that's good here.

I'm very excited about this.

When Parents Text

There's a website called "When Parents Text." It's really funny for a few minutes, then you'll be like, "Okay, I get it." Kind of like Photobomb or Family Guy. Check it out if you have a few minutes. It's a really funny idea for a blog.

My mom was an early adopter to texting, as far as people over 50 go. She started texting about five years ago. She started with abbreviations and things like, "C u in 5 mns." I have younger brothers who would text like that. So she thought that's how texting works. I had to tell her that adults use words. She complied immediately.

Since then, there hadn't been any texting issues until a couple days ago. She has a Blackberry and I just got a new one. I sent her my new PIN for her to update my contact. The message I sent just said, "pin:_______." I thought it was pretty straight-forward.

Five minutes later, I received the following:

"PING!"

"I don't know what to do."

"Ping ping pinga pong."

About one minute later, I got an email from her that said:

Subject: Are you okay?

Got an odd "ping" message from you and I'm just checking to be sure you're ok.

I talked to her later. She thought my pin was some sort of coded distress signal and I had been abducted. That is fantastic. You would think that people would coordinate their distress signals with the people they would deliver them to. That's like having a safe-word that's in binary. "0010 1110 0000 1101! Just stop it!"

She also clarified that my brother Joaquim wrote "Ping ping pinga pong." I believe her because I got another BBM message from my mom yesterday which must have been from Joaquim. It read: "Ringa ding ding ding dong aringada ding ding ding dong somala homala boom boom. Ringa ding ding ding dong aringada ding ding ding dong somala homala boom boom." I'm pretty sure my mom didn't write that. Unless it's a distress signal.