What if I...?

-This was originally going to be my last post about Jersey Shore. But I forgot what I was going to write about the show. So I'll just say this: Deana looks like a Klitschko brother. She might be the only person I've ever seen who makes me physically recoil.

-Due to a severe miscalculation, which I'll write about in a couple weeks (THIS WILL BE GOOD, but I can't talk about it yet), I'm staying at my friend Erin Conroy's apartment this week. Highlights of the stay so far:

On night one, she said, "It's 11:11, make a wish!" And I yelled, "Dolphins." The next morning, my aunt told me she saw dolphins at Sea World. Sometimes you just have to believe, and things will happen.

On morning one, I woke her up by playing guitar and singing, "She's a Slut and She Knows It," from Summer Heights High. It brought tears to her eyes.

On night two, something so hysterical happened, that I can't mention it on my blog. Stand-up only. I realize this paragraph is pointless now. But now if you hear me tell the story on stage, you'll know who it's about.

Night three, I had to leave in five minutes, and I wanted to play guitar for 4 minutes and 54 seconds. I had no choice but to eat an entire banana in 6 seconds. Sometimes we have to deal with the cards that life deals us. Her response to it, "I have never seen anything more handsome than that." It's that kind of honesty that I live for.

Last night was the best though. We were at the show she runs at Bar on A. Now, I'm not a big drinker. Last night, I had two beers. But they were huge. About two pints each. That's a lot for me on a Wednesday. I asked Erin if she wanted a beer. She said she switched to whiskey because she's watching her caloric intake. Remember that sentence.

Around 11:40, I was getting tired. She wasn't ready to go. I went back to her place. On the previous night, I got home around 2am, and she told me if I woke her up, she would stab my face off. So, I assumed she would do me the same favor. I got to sleep around 1:30. A couple hours later, she stumbled in, laughing. She walked over and put her hand on my face. "I'm soooo drunk right now. What if... I doo-doo... on your face?"

Then she laughed and walked away. I opened my eyes. She had a dude with her. A guy Mean Gene would call a "behemoth." I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to have to hear this?" And I'll admit my sexism here. If I was at a guy friend's house, he would have got a high five. But I don't want to hear my female friends' sex sounds. I don't want to hear my guy friends' sounds either, but that's something I can deal with and make fun of him for it later.

I wanted to fall back asleep, but I was having a hard time, because I knew I would be awakened by the sounds of horror. Eventually, I was asleep, but of course about 30 seconds of frantic movement in the other room startled me, then almost made me disappointed for its brevity.

So... this morning, I went into her room. The guy was gone. I asked if she knew what she said when she got home. She didn't. She had 7 whiskeys. On a Wednesday. Watching that caloric intake. I re-enacted, "I'm sooo drunk right now. What if... I doo-doo... on your face?" She started laughing and said, "That makes me wish I could date myself."

Then she asked if she really said "doo-doo." I confirmed. She said, "I would normally say poop. You would say doo-doo. Only you and 5-year-olds say 'doo-doo.' You're rubbing off on me." I took it as a compliment, although I'm not sure if it was intended to be one.

I asked what was up with the guy. She told me he's a friend who lives far away in NJ and he missed his train. It wasn't a drunk sexual thing. He just needed a place to sleep. So I asked what the 30 frantic seconds were about. Without missing a beat, she said, "I was probably having night terrors."

Fun week. Hopefully more to come...

- My friend Dan Carroll is building queen-sized bunk beds. That is so much cooler than anything you or I have done. The two coolest things I've done are: I used to have a 24"x36" framed picture of Kevin Nealon reading a map. It wasn't a fan type of thing. I just thought it would be funny to have an enormous framed picture of Kevin Nealon reading a map. My ex-ex threw it out when I was out of town. The other cool thing is a 24"x36" sketch of Danny Rouhier and I face-to-face. It's beautiful. It's on my wall. Go to my Facebook page and check it out. Both of these things pale in comparison to a queen-sized bunk bed. Dan should call Discovery and get them to do an episode of Extreme Engineering on the project. "Nature thought it impossible... But a man was drunk. And that drunk man had a dream..."

- I have a bunch of new dates which I will post soon. I don't know why I'm always slow about this.