There Are No Terrorists on Your Airplane

-My roommate, Quincy, and I had a weird coincidence today. I would say it was slightly more gay than if our cycles synced up, and slightly less gay than us having man-coitus.

A few weeks ago, I started doing P90X. Don't worry. I haven't become a fitness douche. But I was staying with a friend who was doing it to get in shape for an endurance competition. Since I was staying with him, my choices were a) Do P90X with him. b) Watch him do P90X. That's easy. Watching would have been really weird. It's like at my friend John's bachelor party when Jim and I jumped right into the hot tub at the beach house. Everyone was standing around talking about how weird it was that the two of us went straight for the hot tub together. Really? Is it as weird as 10 other guys watching two guys hanging out in a hot tub? I'll answer that for you. No, it isn't.

That's the background.

I called Quincy this afternoon.

"Hey man. Want to do P90X yoga with me at 6:30?"

"Can't."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm already doing yoga somewhere else."

Long pause.

"I have some thinking to do. Talk to you later."

-I performed at University of Wisconsin-Stout last Tuesday. The return flight connected in Philadelphia. It's a 25 minute flight from there to NYC. But it's three hours longer if someone on the plane accuses a fellow passenger of being a terrorist.

Two guys who look like Glenn Beck book owners kept repeating, "Don't dismiss the threat! Don't take this lightly!" The flight attendant stayed calm and said, "Sirs, the man who dropped the bag off for the passenger is an airline employee. The passenger left the bag at the gate on accident."

The assholes would have none of it. "All I know is I saw someone get on the plane with a bag, and get off without a bag. How do I know it wasn't a bomb?"

She looked at him like he was insane. He said, "I'll show you the passenger and the bag."

First a swarm of TSA employees came onto the plane. One of the assholes pointed out the passenger and the bag. The guy looked and sounded like a Swedish banker. The bag was a laptop bag, which contained... a laptop... SURPRISE!

The plane was evacuated for hours.

We got back on and another dickface, who I was sitting next to, until I switched seats with his wife, protested, "When we were off the plane, how do we know they didn't plant another bomb?"

1. This guy had ashes on his forehead. If you're walking around with ashes on your forehead, you shouldn't be allowed to question other people's decisions until you wash your forehead.

2. ANOTHER bomb? It was a laptop. We know that.

Then he said that all TSA employees were idiots. The flight attendant was pissed. His wife was embarrassed. I was amused.

-I got an email from a stranger who was trying to be flirtatious. I wasn't interested. But instead of telling her that, or being rude and not responding, I wrote things to her that I would only write to very close friends... or on my blog, to terrify her.

My response included the sentence, "But everyone knows monkey brains have AIDS in them." It wasn't offensive in context, I don't think. It's just a weird sentence that would scare a stranger.

She asked me if I could start my own idyllic society, where would it be, who would be there, and what would the major holiday be. On one hand, weird question. On the other hand, somewhat creative. My response, more creative. Here it is:

Great question. Many have attempted to answer this question. Plato contemplated this, which resulted in perhaps the most important piece of philosophy ever written. Let's see if my republic stacks up to his.

It would be situated in the state of Utah, and would be full of Mormons. The people would be very nice, well-educated, but have an odd belief system. The main holiday would be Ass-Balls Day. It would fall on what we know as Palm Sunday. Ass-Balls Day would be celebrated with potluck barbecues. It would be required that all attendees dress as their favorite Ass-Ball. All costumes must be made of palm leaves. Sound good?

She has not responded.