APOTHECARY!

Appetizer:

The top two funniest things I've heard someone say in the last six months:

2. "There's no better feeling than making people laugh. I guess a close second would be closing a sale." I want to know what number three is.

1. "She's just gonna be sittin' on the toilet, lookin' swagged as fuck." No explanation necessary.

Last night, Erin Conroy and I enjoyed one of the greatest nights of both of our lives. I've mentioned here previously that I love awful things. One of my favorite albums is by a Maryland rapper named Tae-Ron ("Like Tony the Tiger, now my life is great-great-great!"). Boxing Helena may be my favorite movie, but I'm constantly debating whether or not I like Guns better. I love terrible.

A friend of mine, who for his sake, we'll call Bob, is in a play this weekend. I asked him about it a couple weeks ago. He said it's $18. I asked how it is. He said, "Worst production ever." He has been in plays for 25 years. He's familiar with some productions.

I was ready for it to suck, but didn't know if it would break the "So shitty I could watch it for 24 hours" threshold. Then , yesterday afternoon, photos from rehearsal were posted on Facebook. The pictures themselves were worth $18. The play is by Moliere, a 17th century French playwright. That's some context. Now, the pictures. Everyone is in period garb. But Bob is wearing a giant gold dunce cap, with a long blonde wig. Meanwhile, the furniture is clearly from the 70s, and there are modern medicine bottles on the tables.

A lot of comedy from as recently as the 90s feels dated. So, how dated is comedy from the 1670s? Very. The same situations are always funny, but the conventions that deliver them aren't universal. The dunce cap... what the fuck? What a simpler time.

"And he shall be wearing the cap of the fool! Oh, but wait, that isn't all. It shall sparkle of gold!" Hilarious.

We arrived at the theater an hour and a half early to get tickets. As we approached the theater, we heard them running a scene. It was so bad that Erin and I looked at each other and said in unison, "I think we'll be fine."

The initial plan was to get a slice of pizza, then come right back. But the taste of the show made us realize we should make a night of it. So we had a good meal. Came back 15 minutes before the show. Tickets were bought, then the waiting game began. While walking around the halls, we discovered that the neighboring theater was selling Arbor Mist "wine." We loaded up, and took our seats in the back row of the theater.

The theater was pretty small, maybe 50-60 seats, with the stage in the middle of the two stands of seats. We could see the crowd opposite us as well as we could see the performers. This made things even better.

During the show, I kept a running diary on my phone, which is just one of 37 reasons we could have been kicked out. The good thing is that it was a comedy. So although we were laughing at the wrong moments, at least we were laughing.

Now, the running diary (Note: All of these things were said by me to Erin, unless otherwise noted.):

-The back row is rickity. I'm not sure if it's stable enough to sit on. Erin: "Let's lean back and see if it kills us."

-We're 15 minutes in. Holy geez. The director should be in a dunk tank in the hallway while everyone is leaving. This crime can't go unpunished.

-Erin: "This play should be called, "My First Scene."

-(The lead was over-acting hard. Everyone else was at a 4. She was in the 30s range.) I would pay for someone from the Arbor Mist play to walk in and go "Bitch, you need to calm the fuck down."

-The worst actor I have ever seen just said, "Don't you say fiddlesticks to me!" That's always been my policy too.

-Erin just choked on her Arbor Mist when a woman walked out in the Queen Elizabeth headgear thing. When she was composed, she said, "She's wearing a neck-pillow." Erin was right.

-Erin, scenario for you: You've been dating the male lead for three months. Then you see this. How much does that change things? Erin: "I don't even want to think about it."

-The Notary, who "happened to be in the other room," which is where I keep my local notary, will from henceforth be known as "What Should I Do With My Hands????." Erin: "They let her in the play because she brought that outfit from home.

-30 minutes in and I'm working up a good laughter sweat.

-(A guy playing a crazy jester or something came in. It bordered on terrifying.) Are they mixing in The Elephant Man here, or is this scene from MASK? Erin: "He's not in the play. He's a local homeless who wandered in." (He then stabbed himself in the chest with a stick.) You know 40,000 homeless die every year in New York. (10 seconds of silence) Erin: "Panty. Dropper."

-(The tramp is surrounded by four weird cupids, who are chanting.) This is not making me have to shit less. (Eventually, a guy cupid and a girl cupid throw the tramp.) It can't be a compliment to be the girl elected to throw the tramp.

-(Our friend's gold hat thing was coming up. We could tell, because we could see the hat bouncing up and down over the backstage barrier.) Erin: "This is like a more awesome version of JAWS." (That would be comment of the night so far.)

-Shaft (I don't know what this one means. Must be a typo.)

-Real sweat now. Thick lather.

-(The female lead is overacting harder than ever.) Is her character supposed to be autistic? (Not a shot at autistic people, but at her performance. Take it easy.)

-(At this point, we started watching the other audience members.) The girl on the back left looks sad. Erin: "She looks like she's taking a shit." A sad shit.

-Someone in the crowd is reading. That's worse than keeping a live journal.

-Girl in red is loving it. She's laughing when you're supposed to laugh. And I think she's eating her boogers right now.

-(The play takes place in France, and a black actress came in.) Is that Sally Hemmings? (This one is for 10 people.)

-(As Sally Hemmings was being spanked by the terrible acting lead...) I've seen better acting in porn. Actually in most porn. Erin: "You're right. Wow." (This was a weird awakening moment. I think we both gained more respect for porn-stars.)

-Old guy just crossed his legs to conceal his boner.

-(The entire back row looks miserable.) Red is loving it. The back row is going to sign a suicide pact at intermission.

-(There was utter chaos on stage for five minutes. We didn't know what was happening.) How much would you like to see a cameo by the Micro Machines guy right now?

-I didn't watch the Godfather until three months ago because I didn't think I had three hours to spare.

-(The back row is out. They look dead.) The cyanide is kicking in now.

-(We just met my new favorite actor. He's Korean. The play is set in 17th century France. And he FAKED a CHINESE accent. It was unbelievable. He had no accent off stage. And the voice sounded just like the bad guy from Big Trouble in Little China.) You've seen Big Trouble in Little China? Erin: "Of course." From now on, that guy's name is Wang.

-(Wang just yelled "Apothecary," for no apparent reason.) That's the first time anyone has yelled "apothecary." Erin: "Seeing how this is going, it won't be the last."

-(Wang just did a soliloquy that dreams are made of. His arms move like they're made of robots.) He's gonna get a Tony for that. Erin: "You mean his boyfriend Tony is going to say 'Good job'? Maybe."

-This would be a good show if it was improv.

-The entire other half of the audience looks dead, except for the old couple in the front. I can't tell if they're parents of a cast-member or tourists. I really hope they're tourists. This would ruin NYC for them.

-Wang has been on stage for 15 minutes without any lines. Just calculated reactions. Every five seconds, it's like he's saying to himself, "Surprised... Confused... Riled up... Step to the left..."

-(There's a scene where the nurse keeps disappearing and coming back in with a beard, then disappearing and coming back without the beard, over and over.) I think this scene is how Superman was conceived.

-(Re: The old couple) Erin: "Shoes off. Front row." (The woman was rubbing her feet together. It only made the night better.) Uh-oh, the scarf is coming off too. Must be laughter sweat.

-I'm going to write a spin-off. Adventures with Wang.

-WOW. The last line of the play was Wang yelling at the top of his lungs, with his arms flailing, "After all, it is CARNIVAL TIME!"

Glorious. I wish I could say when and where the play is, but I don't want to put Bob in that position.

Going to bad plays is now my new favorite thing to do.