Web Hosts and Columbia (Not the Country)

-I did a show at Columbia on Saturday with a few friends, Eric Patrick, Jermaine Fowler, and the svelte Bryson Turner. I went to the bathroom before the show and saw this sign.

I was confused. Everyone was confused. First, there's a nearby footbath, because why wouldn't there be. But people are spurning them for the sinks? Or was it one rogue foot-washer who thought he was above footbaths? Someone told me it's a Muslim thing. I'm sure it is, but I know a lot of Muslims, and none of them are freaking out about their feet being dirty. Just take a shower when you get home and you'll be fine, hypothetical person. I have a feeling just one person washed their feet in the sink. Or someone made a mess in the bathroom, and some nutjob blamed the mess on "Them Muslins! They come over here and wash their feet wherever they want." Calm down, nutjob.

Jermaine and I decided to have a little fun with the sign/sink.

See here:

We racistly named the picture, "Turn Back the Clock Night." At first, we had to decide who would be the washer and who would be the washee. Then I said, "Oh, racial undertones..." And he nodded his head and laughed.

After the show, we asked a few students where we could get pizza. The correct answer is "On any corner for the next 15 miles." What the students said was, "Follow us." These three girls led us 10 blocks to mediocre $4 pizza. It's pretty hard to find mediocre pizza in New York, and it's even harder to find a plain slice that costs more than $3. If that wasn't annoying enough, during the walk there, they were constantly labeling everything about Columbia as either "ghetto" or "hipster," which are the two most-used entitled-white-girl-adjectives in the lexicon. One of them actually said, "I just want to transfer to a real school with some school spirit." Shut your dumb mouth. One of the top schools in the world isn't a "real school"? They were stuck in the high school mentality of labels and school spirit, which is something I didn't even understand as a 12-year-old. "All of our parents bought houses in the same neighborhood! Go Bobcats!" No thanks.

If these girls didn't already annoy everyone enough, they tipped the scales after we got to the pizza place that was a mile away from my car and they didn't even eat. They had three cups of water and watched us eat. If any of these things are things that you've thought about doing with your life, please reconsider.

-A year ago, I bought a second web domain and never followed through with the site. I received notices that if I didn't renew, it would expire. Perfect, I thought. I didn't renew. Then I got an email yesterday which said my account had been renewed and they took it upon themselves to charge my card. I chatted with support online for a while. They were trying to say I authorized it. I proved that I didn't. Then they said they would refund a portion of the money and keep the rest as an "early cancellation fee." I explained why it's wrongful charge, not an early cancellation for something that had been charged minutes earlier. They wouldn't budge. So I wrote, "Thanks for your time. Instead of receiving a partial refund, I will file a charge-back with my bank." Charge-backs really hurt a merchant's standing with their bank, if upheld, so she immediately wrote back, "We will cancel and issue a full refund immediately, but only on the grounds that we now own the rights to that domain." Um, sure. Were you paying attention? I don't want the domain. That's what this is all about. It's as if I returned a pair of shoes and the manager said, "Okay, we'll let you return them. But if you do that, we're going to keep the shoes. You can't take them with you." Right. I think she just wanted to phrase it to sound like she won the argument.

-Roommate Quincy and I have compiled a list of things that happened almost daily as kids, but are eventually phased out as you get older. I still do two of them. I'm 30.

1. Random bloody noses.

2. Shampoo in the eyes.

3. Falling down and crying.

4. Pretending to punch things and making the punch noise with your mouth.

5. Pretending to dunk on a door frame.

6. Pee-pee dance.

7. Hitting your funny-bone.

8. Jumping for no reason.

9. Running everywhere.

I do get bloody noses from time-to-time because of dry sinuses. But that's not a kid bloody nose. Kid bloody noses are either mysterious, or because something that should never happen happened. Like, "Well, he threw the frog at me and..."

I pretend to punch Quincy and make the punch sound with my mouth at least twice a week. I don't think I'll ever stop that.

Once I turned about 14, I stopped hitting my funny-bone and enjoying roller-coasters. They have both probably happened five times since then. I like that.

I really like that kids don't walk. If they have their way, they run everywhere. Think about it: At pools, the lifeguard has to constantly yell, "Don't run!" But why would anyone run at a pool? Nothing is going anywhere. Because running everywhere for no reason is fun. I wish adults did this. It would be constant bedlam. People would sprint to get salt out of the pantry. The sidewalks would look like Godzilla must be lurking around every corner. That's just good livin'.