I Am Not the Porn Star You Think I Am

I have a story about a mix-up with the porn-star Ryan Conner. But first, a little tale about Chicago Bulls' forward, Taj Gibson.

Last night, the Bulls were playing in the Eastern Conference Finals. I have expressed my love for the Bulls on this blog so many times that people are probably a little disturbed by it. The Bulls are one of few things that can set me off and make me act like a madman. That said, I watched Sunday night's game with a girl I had only hung out with a few times. Some would say that's not a good idea. Others would say it's a terrible idea. "But she's from Chicago." Still not a good idea. Because I act crazy.

At the beginning of the game, I was tempering my reactions, keeping things to, "Good shot, Lu," "Rotate, Booz, rotate!" and an occasional "Come the fuck on."

Then this play happened.

I yelled, "Nuts in your mouth! Nuts. In. Your. Mouth. D-Wade, how do you like the taste of those nuts?" Then I rewound it and watched it approximately 10 times, each time acknowledging the exact moment D-Wade got nuts in his mouth.

She laughed instead of being frightened. That's always a good sign. I told her that if she wasn't there, I would have started running through my apartment, maybe even the entire neighborhood, yelling, "Did you see that shit?"

I tried to calm it down a little after that.

Then this happened.

A YouTube commenter wrote, "That dunk was so nasty I had to change my computer to porn when my mom walked in."

That dunk happened while she was talking, and my Bulls love took over. I jumped straight up, like someone just used horse defibrillators on me. I jumped and yelled, "Oh shit. Oh Shit. Oh shit." Then I started doing Ric Flair "Wooo"s. About five of them. Then I had to explain to her who Ric Flair is. From there, I grabbed her face and told her, "We are so happy right now." And she didn't run away. So I think I've found a good one. But what really matters is that the Bulls are going to win the championship.

And now the porn thing.

Every now and then, I'm contacted by someone who is a fan of Ryan Conner Porn Star. These guys are just guessing email addresses, I assume. Like ryanconner@aol, ryanconner@excite, ryanconner@lycos, et cetera. When I receive these messages, I have two options. I can ignore them. Or, I can fuck with someone who is so delusional that they think they can pick up a porn-star with an unsolicited email. I usually engage them until it gets really weird. The first one got weird when the guy sent me three pictures. One, a regular shot. One of him lying on a bed in spandex shorts. And a third picture of the Hoover Dam. He wasn't in the picture. It's just the Hoover Dam. And he spelled it "Hover Dam." That's what freaked me out. The pictures of himself, fine. He's delusional. But a picture of a dam? He's fucking crazy too. But that guy has nothing on this guy.

Subject: INFORMATION

Hello Ryan

My name is Sergio, I'm Brazilian.
Have your watch many films and really enjoyed it.
Want to know if you still do porn movies.

Cheers!

When I saw the subject line, I thought it was spam. I'm so glad I didn't delete it. I responded:

Sergio~

Hey there! Thanx for writing me;)

I am still in the business. Which of my films do U like best?

R

He wrote back:

Subject: RESPONSE

Ryan I liked all that I watch, but what most excited me was the film "Ryan Conner vs.Lex Steele - Anal fri video" dueto his great performance in front of a penis so largethat.
I wonder if you feel happy in every moment of the film.

I await your response.

Now it's getting creepy. Ryan Conner vs. Lex Steele sounds like an arcade game, but I assure you it's not. Solargethat! I wrote back:

Ah yes. That film was quite the challenge~-8) It was a blast though LOL

I just shot 2 more films that are cumming out in a couple months.

"Cumming" makes me laugh every time I think of it. And "~-8)" is a made-up emoticon, which I hope Sergio will begin using to impress me.

Then things got awesome. He sent me the below email. I posted the responses I would have sent, had I participated in the interview, instead of sending him what you'll see below this.

Subject: INTERVIEW

Hello, Ryan Conner !!!!

I'm sorry if you have any English error messages I'm sending these to you. Actually my English is still very weak.
From now you too apologize if I'm bothering you with my messages.
I always wanted to get in touch with you and now I found your email on the Internet using the opportunity. But I promise not to annoy you more when I do a short interview (Interview? For a local paper or something?), because for me there is no other porn star like you. You're a celebrity for me. I think you're beautiful in every way: face, legs, buttocks (clearly using a translator), breasts, height, skin color, along with their sensuality that is over! (Try that on your significant other. "Your sensuality is over!")
Please place your answers after the letter R:, which is below each question.
1) You've been here in Brazil?
R: I have not been there in Brazil.
2) Have you done any movie scene with a Brazilian author? If you did, what's his name?
R: Yes. Paulo Coehlo, author of The Alchemist. Three movie scenes. He is a man of sensuality that is over!
3) How much more the man who draws your attention?
R: Many much more man who draws my attention it is that who is.
4) Do you feel pleasure in every scene of the movie you do?
R: Even when I'm not doing a scene of the movie I do, I feel the pleasure.
5) At any time, you felt pain in a sexual relationship?
R: I once dated an elephant. It was brutal.
6) You feel more pleasure with men of large penises, medium or small?
R: I'm not really into sizes. I have more of a texture fetish. I love penises that feel like corduroy.
7) Would you accept your daughter do porn?
R: Sure. Why not leave it up to my family to keep you jerking off for a few more decades!
8) Do you masturbate when alone?
R: If you masturbate when you aren't alone, you definitely do it when you are alone. Come on, Sergio. Logic.
9) Do you have any religion? What's the name?
A: Ass Worship 6. You can buy it on my website, ryanconner.com.
10) Which author would you most like porn to make movie with him?
R: Norman Mailer. But he's dead, so I'll have to get my fix with Coehlo's corduroy.
11) You want to do porn until age?
R: Until the age of Acquarius.
12) Have you ever had sex with a fan of yours?
R: Yes, but it was one of those hand-held fans that you take to Six-Flags in July. Ironically enough, I've never had sex with a box fan.
13) Have you ever watched a Brazilian porn? What do you think?
R: Don't get too personal here.
14) Do you have sex every day?
R: I never have sex, to be honest. I fuck.

I'm awaiting your answers

Thanks and a hug. (Now he tries to class it up and play the "sensitive guy" role?)

Sergio

My real response. And the best thing I have ever done.

HEY SERGIO!

GREAT QUESTIONS;)

I WOULD LOVE TO ANSWER YOUR INTERVIEW. BUT FIRST CAN U DO ME A FAVOR? I HAVE 2 NEW MOVIES THAT I JUST SHOT (ALL OVER MY ASS!) AND I WANT A QUOTE FROM A FAN TO PROMOTE THEM WHEN THEY CUM OUT.

CAN YOU EITHER SEND A SHORT WEBCAM VIDEO ABOUT WHAT YOU HOPE TO SEE IN MY NEW MOVIES OR WRITE A FEW SENTENCES ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE IN THEM? I WON'T USE YOUR NAME. IT WILL JUST SAY "A FAN."

THEY ARE CALLED "ASS CRASH MONSTER" AND "CHINESE SECRETS." IF U CAN JUST GIVE ME A FEW SENTENCES FOR EACH 1 THAT WOULD BE GREAT AND I CAN DO THEINTERVIEW!!!!

HUGZ

R

He did not respond, I'm guessing because he Googled Ass Crash Monster (my series about hipsters) and Chinese Secrets. You can buy Chinese Secrets here on my website, by clicking on the Store link. And the first episode of ACM is here as well. I'm in the middle of figuring out how to release the rest of the series. I think it's really good and it's just been sitting on my hard drive for months. Pathetic. It's coming soon though.

Bye-bye.