8 years of jokes, highlighted by my first two sets

I just hit the eight year mark in comedy on August 1st. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in the past eight years. I haven't needed a day job for 5.5 of the years. I've grown as a comic constantly, starting out telling jokes about things I observed, then moving to jokes about things that I've done, to now, when I'm telling almost nothing but autobiographical stories. In addition to my style evolving, I know I'm doing my best material now.

With that being said, on a flight home from Chicago on Friday, I listened to the audio from my first ever set. I forgot this audio existed. It took me a while to muster the courage to listen. I can't even listen to new stuff without cringing. But finally, I listened and was surprised. Some jokes were embarrassing in how dirty they were. One joke was just not funny. I think some of the jokes hold up. None of it was hack, and all of it was tightly written. I'm probably going to re-write and bring back two of them.

I wrote out those sets word-for-word, as I still do. In addition to finding the audio from the first set, I found the text from the first and second ever sets. Twelve minutes total. Here are some of my favorite isolated lines and notes from the two sets:

-My first ever joke was about every comic making the crowd "give-it-up" for the host. This is something I'm still passionate about.

-"This is my first time combining standing up and comedy. I'm very nervous, so one of my friends told me to picture the crowd in their underwear. [Eyes creepily scan the room] So... that's what I'm doing now, picturing everyone in their underwear... except you. You're naked."

-"I like Wal-Mart because it's like a 7-11 Outlet."

-"Once you go black, you don't go back? Sure. But once you go white, you don't get followed around in stores."

-"I hate dancing. Whenever I'm around it, people try to get me to do it. It's always the same thing. 'Come on, it's fun! Look at us! We're having so much fun!' They say it as if I thought they were miserable but they didn't know how to stop."

-"I ran into a girl I knew from high school. Her name is Amanda. In high school, she was a cheerleader. She drove this little Volkswagon Jetta. And apparently she ate it."

-"I don't believe in reincarnation, but if I did, I would want to come back as lemonade. Because everyone loves lemonade. You never hear, 'Fuck you, lemonade. Get out of my life. All you do is refresh me and leave. You quench my thirst and you're gone. You're a bastard, lemonade. Lemonade, it's your baby.' Those are just some of the things you don't hear being said about lemonade."

-I'm going to skip the next joke, because although it's funny, it contains the line, "Clitoris: The other Pink Meat."

Here's a long one:

"I was watching Real Sex 13,245 on HBO. It was a stripper pageant. The competition was like who's the best overall stripper or something like that. It had all the same competitions as the Miss America pageant. The talent portion was a little different though. In the Miss America pageant you have a girl from the Sunshine State playing the harp. In the stripper pageant you have a girl named Sunshine putting a harp in her vagina. So, subtle differences. The part that really got me though was the open response portion. The question was, “If you had the power to be invisible what would you do?” The field was narrowed down to 3 hookerstrippers at this point. The first one said, ”If I had the power to be invisible I would do everything to fight all evil powers and evil forces.” What the fuck does that mean? Does she think that Dr. No is out to get her or something. It was a movie. The second one said, “If I had the power to be invisible I would help those that are less fortunate.” You don't have to be invisible to help those who are less fortunate. Oh, so that’s why all your stripper money goes to vodka and cocaine, because you thought you had to be invisible to help people. The third and final stripper said, “Ummmm… if I had the power to be invisible I would make myself uninvisible because being invisible would be really lonely.” And she got really excited. I think she missed the point of the question. Your only power is invisibility. You can’t change yourself back and forth. That’s like if someone said, “If you had one million dollars, what would you do with it?” And you say, “If I had a million dollars, I’d be very tall." Doesn’t make sense. If I could be invisible I would go to a local park and just start picking up kids and throwing them. I have nothing against kids. I just think it would look funny to see flying children.

-I carry a crucifix with me everywhere I go. Not because I’m a religious person, but just as a reminder. Whenever shit isn’t going my way, I just look at Jesus on the cross, and it reminds me that at one point even being Jesus started to suck. Up until then, things were working out.

-"Where do new sign language signs come from? Without the aide of text, how do you make a deaf person understand that Beyonce is the name of a person?

-"Why do you have to be quiet in the library? I could understand if the library was full of tv’s and they didn’t want anyone to talk over them, but last I checked, books can’t talk. I saw a self-help book called 'It's All in Your Head.' I thought, 'Cool, then I guess I don't need to read the book.'"

-"I was at the gym a couple days ago. It was the first time I’d been there in a several weeks because I broke my arm, so I thought I’d take it light. But all of a sudden, something happened to me. It was like I was possessed…by the Incredible Hulk. I think that’s who it was because I ripped through my flannel shirt and Wranglers and became a giant green monster. So I think it was the Incredible Hulk."

-"My friend got cancer. Her uncle is really rich because she invented to pop-top for cans. And he wanted her to feel better, so he bought her a new BMW. That's a nice gesture, but I think she would have preferred Chemo. BMW's are nice cars, but they don't do much for cancer. 'You don't want my Ford HIV Fiesta? You spoiled brat. Fine, just take your retroviral drugs then.'"

-There's a joke about a prostitute selling dental insurance, which I don't understand at all. Some of the lines include: "When did dentists start getting pimps?" "I thought they would look like Huggy Bear, but today's pimps look no different than ticket scalpers."

-"Japanese kids are way better than American kids at everything. Except growing."

-"I could never be a vegetarian. I don’t have the patience to pull it off. First of all, how do you decide what is going to be your last piece of meat? Because for the rest of your life, you are going to be thinking about that last piece of meat. It’s like a prisoner remembering the last time he had sex…consensually…with a woman. After you've decided that you are through with meat, you have to decide if you can or can’t eat some things. I’ve never understood this. Some people will say they’re a vegetarian and order a seafood salad. I’ll say, “Isn’t shrimp meat? Well yeah, but not really. I can eat shrimp… and fish…and chicken. And you’re a vegetarian? Yeah. These people are not vegetarians, they just don’t appreciate a pork chop. Like I said, I don’t have the patience to be a vegetarian. I would end up in prison for killing someone. Not over meat deprivation, but over someone just getting on my nerves. Every time I’m at a restaurant with a vegetarian there is always one idiot who will say, “So you’re a vegetarian huh? Can you eat chicken? How about steak? You can’t eat steak? No? Okay. What about milk?” Of course. I can drink milk. “What if you’re drinking a glass of milk, then can you eat a steak? Don’t they cancel each other out?” That’s the point when I would start stabbing. Meat is murder, but some people just deserve it."

Some rough notes that I made but never fleshed out:

"Hookers don't wear khaki."

"Watch out for the pump." I have no idea.

-"Girls leaning their heads on one another." Sounds like a hoot.

-"Ice cream truck or ambulance?… poor marketing if it’s an ice cream truck…they should have sirens that say, “fun, fun, fun…”"

Thanks for reading.