ryanconnercomedy

New Caligula's Grotto

2012-01-25T20:59:00.001-05:00

A new episode just went up and it is very good. Listen here. Or search for Caligula's Grotto on iTunes.

Caligula's Grotto is Back

2012-01-17T22:24:00.002-05:00

Erin Conroy, Alan Skontra and I are back with more Caligula's Grotto. I forgot to post the link here earlier. We're six episodes into season 2. Have a listen.

Rent Check... And Scene

2011-10-11T14:59:00.002-04:00

This is an email exchange between my roommate, Quincy Ledbetter, and my other roommate, Ryan Conner.

Subject: Rent

Quincy (10-1-11 @ 2:24pm): Transferred to your account, son.

Ryan (10-1-11 @ 2:26pm): Transfer $5 million more if you ever want to see your son again.

Quincy (10-1-11 @ 2:29pm): Keep him. Taking care of that little bastard costs me so much money, you're actually saving me $4 million by taking him off my hands.
He's allergic to rag weed and pees the bed. Enjoy.

Ryan (10-1-11 @ 2:34pm): Transfer $6 million immediately or expect to find him at your house, in your bed, peeing on your money.

Quincy (10-1-11 @ 2:36pm): I call your bluff, sir.

Ryan (10-1-11 @ 2:37pm): I dare you to call it again. Do not test me.

Quincy (10-1-11 @ 2:53pm):

FADE IN.

In a frightening, darkened basement, lighted only by a 50 watt lightbulb that hangs from the ceiling, a LITTLE BOY sleeps in the corner on a bed made especially for him. RYAN CONNER'S BLUFF sits adjacent gazing affectionately at an 8X10 of an Orthodox Jewish Man winking at him. As Ryan Conner's Bluff stares at the picture the room grows a little colder and he feels more and more lonely until the phone rings. The phone call is from QUINCY LEDBETTER'S DOMINANCE. Ryan Conner's Bluff picks up.

RYAN CONNER'S BLUFF
Yes who is this?

QUINCY LEDBETTER'S DOMINANCE
This is Quincy Ledbetter's Dominance. Consider yourself called, sir.

Quincy Ledbetter's dominance hangs up. Ryan Conner's Bluff stays on the line, and stares at the 8X10 until he hears the busy signal. He realizes his foolish plan has back fired. A tear falls from his eye. The Little Boy awakens.

LITTLE BOY
Mr. Bluff?

RYAN CONNER'S BLUFF
What is it, child?

LITTLE BOY
(shamefully)
I went pee pee on your new mattress.

FADE OUT.

Ryan (10-1-11 @ 2:58pm): Thanks for transferring the rent. I'll drop off the check.

8 years of jokes, highlighted by my first two sets

2011-08-07T14:00:00.002-04:00

I just hit the eight year mark in comedy on August 1st. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in the past eight years. I haven't needed a day job for 5.5 of the years. I've grown as a comic constantly, starting out telling jokes about things I observed, then moving to jokes about things that I've done, to now, when I'm telling almost nothing but autobiographical stories. In addition to my style evolving, I know I'm doing my best material now.

With that being said, on a flight home from Chicago on Friday, I listened to the audio from my first ever set. I forgot this audio existed. It took me a while to muster the courage to listen. I can't even listen to new stuff without cringing. But finally, I listened and was surprised. Some jokes were embarrassing in how dirty they were. One joke was just not funny. I think some of the jokes hold up. None of it was hack, and all of it was tightly written. I'm probably going to re-write and bring back two of them.

I wrote out those sets word-for-word, as I still do. In addition to finding the audio from the first set, I found the text from the first and second ever sets. Twelve minutes total. Here are some of my favorite isolated lines and notes from the two sets:

-My first ever joke was about every comic making the crowd "give-it-up" for the host. This is something I'm still passionate about.

-"This is my first time combining standing up and comedy. I'm very nervous, so one of my friends told me to picture the crowd in their underwear. [Eyes creepily scan the room] So... that's what I'm doing now, picturing everyone in their underwear... except you. You're naked."

-"I like Wal-Mart because it's like a 7-11 Outlet."

-"Once you go black, you don't go back? Sure. But once you go white, you don't get followed around in stores."

-"I hate dancing. Whenever I'm around it, people try to get me to do it. It's always the same thing. 'Come on, it's fun! Look at us! We're having so much fun!' They say it as if I thought they were miserable but they didn't know how to stop."

-"I ran into a girl I knew from high school. Her name is Amanda. In high school, she was a cheerleader. She drove this little Volkswagon Jetta. And apparently she ate it."

-"I don't believe in reincarnation, but if I did, I would want to come back as lemonade. Because everyone loves lemonade. You never hear, 'Fuck you, lemonade. Get out of my life. All you do is refresh me and leave. You quench my thirst and you're gone. You're a bastard, lemonade. Lemonade, it's your baby.' Those are just some of the things you don't hear being said about lemonade."

-I'm going to skip the next joke, because although it's funny, it contains the line, "Clitoris: The other Pink Meat."

Here's a long one:

"I was watching Real Sex 13,245 on HBO. It was a stripper pageant. The competition was like who's the best overall stripper or something like that. It had all the same competitions as the Miss America pageant. The talent portion was a little different though. In the Miss America pageant you have a girl from the Sunshine State playing the harp. In the stripper pageant you have a girl named Sunshine putting a harp in her vagina. So, subtle differences. The part that really got me though was the open response portion. The question was, “If you had the power to be invisible what would you do?” The field was narrowed down to 3 hookerstrippers at this point. The first one said, ”If I had the power to be invisible I would do everything to fight all evil powers and evil forces.” What the fuck does that mean? Does she think that Dr. No is out to get her or something. It was a movie. The second one said, “If I had the power to be invisible I would help those that are less fortunate.” You don't have to be invisible to help those who are less fortunate. Oh, so that’s why all your stripper money goes to vodka and cocaine, because you thought you had to be invisible to help people. The third and final stripper said, “Ummmm… if I had the power to be invisible I would make myself uninvisible because being invisible would be really lonely.” And she got really excited. I think she missed the point of the question. Your only power is invisibility. You can’t change yourself back and forth. That’s like if someone said, “If you had one million dollars, what would you do with it?” And you say, “If I had a million dollars, I’d be very tall." Doesn’t make sense. If I could be invisible I would go to a local park and just start picking up kids and throwing them. I have nothing against kids. I just think it would look funny to see flying children.

-I carry a crucifix with me everywhere I go. Not because I’m a religious person, but just as a reminder. Whenever shit isn’t going my way, I just look at Jesus on the cross, and it reminds me that at one point even being Jesus started to suck. Up until then, things were working out.

-"Where do new sign language signs come from? Without the aide of text, how do you make a deaf person understand that Beyonce is the name of a person?

-"Why do you have to be quiet in the library? I could understand if the library was full of tv’s and they didn’t want anyone to talk over them, but last I checked, books can’t talk. I saw a self-help book called 'It's All in Your Head.' I thought, 'Cool, then I guess I don't need to read the book.'"

-"I was at the gym a couple days ago. It was the first time I’d been there in a several weeks because I broke my arm, so I thought I’d take it light. But all of a sudden, something happened to me. It was like I was possessed…by the Incredible Hulk. I think that’s who it was because I ripped through my flannel shirt and Wranglers and became a giant green monster. So I think it was the Incredible Hulk."

-"My friend got cancer. Her uncle is really rich because she invented to pop-top for cans. And he wanted her to feel better, so he bought her a new BMW. That's a nice gesture, but I think she would have preferred Chemo. BMW's are nice cars, but they don't do much for cancer. 'You don't want my Ford HIV Fiesta? You spoiled brat. Fine, just take your retroviral drugs then.'"

-There's a joke about a prostitute selling dental insurance, which I don't understand at all. Some of the lines include: "When did dentists start getting pimps?" "I thought they would look like Huggy Bear, but today's pimps look no different than ticket scalpers."

-"Japanese kids are way better than American kids at everything. Except growing."

-"I could never be a vegetarian. I don’t have the patience to pull it off. First of all, how do you decide what is going to be your last piece of meat? Because for the rest of your life, you are going to be thinking about that last piece of meat. It’s like a prisoner remembering the last time he had sex…consensually…with a woman. After you've decided that you are through with meat, you have to decide if you can or can’t eat some things. I’ve never understood this. Some people will say they’re a vegetarian and order a seafood salad. I’ll say, “Isn’t shrimp meat? Well yeah, but not really. I can eat shrimp… and fish…and chicken. And you’re a vegetarian? Yeah. These people are not vegetarians, they just don’t appreciate a pork chop. Like I said, I don’t have the patience to be a vegetarian. I would end up in prison for killing someone. Not over meat deprivation, but over someone just getting on my nerves. Every time I’m at a restaurant with a vegetarian there is always one idiot who will say, “So you’re a vegetarian huh? Can you eat chicken? How about steak? You can’t eat steak? No? Okay. What about milk?” Of course. I can drink milk. “What if you’re drinking a glass of milk, then can you eat a steak? Don’t they cancel each other out?” That’s the point when I would start stabbing. Meat is murder, but some people just deserve it."

Some rough notes that I made but never fleshed out:

"Hookers don't wear khaki."

"Watch out for the pump." I have no idea.

-"Girls leaning their heads on one another." Sounds like a hoot.

-"Ice cream truck or ambulance?… poor marketing if it’s an ice cream truck…they should have sirens that say, “fun, fun, fun…”"

Thanks for reading.

Music Video

2011-06-10T16:51:00.002-04:00

Quincy G. Ledbetter and I do the directing. In addition to our comedy projects, we have done some music videos. Here is one we just completed. It's a piece called "21," written by Andy Akiho, and performed by Andy and Mariel Roberts. The feedback we're getting has been making me blush like a child. If you get a chance, I think you will like this.

I started a new blog and it is good.

2011-05-22T18:23:00.003-04:00

There are hundreds of blogs where annoying people annoyingly post pictures of fancy food and write something about how they couldn't live without that vegan enchilada, goat's milk ice cream, or duck [insert French word].

I have started a blog called Totes Yums, which makes fun of these assholes. Have a look. It's good.

I Am Not the Porn Star You Think I Am

2011-05-14T15:53:00.009-04:00

I have a story about a mix-up with the porn-star Ryan Conner. But first, a little tale about Chicago Bulls' forward, Taj Gibson.

Last night, the Bulls were playing in the Eastern Conference Finals. I have expressed my love for the Bulls on this blog so many times that people are probably a little disturbed by it. The Bulls are one of few things that can set me off and make me act like a madman. That said, I watched Sunday night's game with a girl I had only hung out with a few times. Some would say that's not a good idea. Others would say it's a terrible idea. "But she's from Chicago." Still not a good idea. Because I act crazy.

At the beginning of the game, I was tempering my reactions, keeping things to, "Good shot, Lu," "Rotate, Booz, rotate!" and an occasional "Come the fuck on."

Then this play happened.

I yelled, "Nuts in your mouth! Nuts. In. Your. Mouth. D-Wade, how do you like the taste of those nuts?" Then I rewound it and watched it approximately 10 times, each time acknowledging the exact moment D-Wade got nuts in his mouth.

She laughed instead of being frightened. That's always a good sign. I told her that if she wasn't there, I would have started running through my apartment, maybe even the entire neighborhood, yelling, "Did you see that shit?"

I tried to calm it down a little after that.

Then this happened.

A YouTube commenter wrote, "That dunk was so nasty I had to change my computer to porn when my mom walked in."

That dunk happened while she was talking, and my Bulls love took over. I jumped straight up, like someone just used horse defibrillators on me. I jumped and yelled, "Oh shit. Oh Shit. Oh shit." Then I started doing Ric Flair "Wooo"s. About five of them. Then I had to explain to her who Ric Flair is. From there, I grabbed her face and told her, "We are so happy right now." And she didn't run away. So I think I've found a good one. But what really matters is that the Bulls are going to win the championship.

And now the porn thing.

Every now and then, I'm contacted by someone who is a fan of Ryan Conner Porn Star. These guys are just guessing email addresses, I assume. Like ryanconner@aol, ryanconner@excite, ryanconner@lycos, et cetera. When I receive these messages, I have two options. I can ignore them. Or, I can fuck with someone who is so delusional that they think they can pick up a porn-star with an unsolicited email. I usually engage them until it gets really weird. The first one got weird when the guy sent me three pictures. One, a regular shot. One of him lying on a bed in spandex shorts. And a third picture of the Hoover Dam. He wasn't in the picture. It's just the Hoover Dam. And he spelled it "Hover Dam." That's what freaked me out. The pictures of himself, fine. He's delusional. But a picture of a dam? He's fucking crazy too. But that guy has nothing on this guy.

Subject: INFORMATION

Hello Ryan

My name is Sergio, I'm Brazilian.
Have your watch many films and really enjoyed it.
Want to know if you still do porn movies.

Cheers!

When I saw the subject line, I thought it was spam. I'm so glad I didn't delete it. I responded:

Sergio~

Hey there! Thanx for writing me;)

I am still in the business. Which of my films do U like best?

R

He wrote back:

Subject: RESPONSE

Ryan I liked all that I watch, but what most excited me was the film "Ryan Conner vs.Lex Steele - Anal fri video" dueto his great performance in front of a penis so largethat.
I wonder if you feel happy in every moment of the film.

I await your response.

Now it's getting creepy. Ryan Conner vs. Lex Steele sounds like an arcade game, but I assure you it's not. Solargethat! I wrote back:

Ah yes. That film was quite the challenge~-8) It was a blast though LOL

I just shot 2 more films that are cumming out in a couple months.

"Cumming" makes me laugh every time I think of it. And "~-8)" is a made-up emoticon, which I hope Sergio will begin using to impress me.

Then things got awesome. He sent me the below email. I posted the responses I would have sent, had I participated in the interview, instead of sending him what you'll see below this.

Subject: INTERVIEW

Hello, Ryan Conner !!!!

I'm sorry if you have any English error messages I'm sending these to you. Actually my English is still very weak.
From now you too apologize if I'm bothering you with my messages.
I always wanted to get in touch with you and now I found your email on the Internet using the opportunity. But I promise not to annoy you more when I do a short interview (Interview? For a local paper or something?), because for me there is no other porn star like you. You're a celebrity for me. I think you're beautiful in every way: face, legs, buttocks (clearly using a translator), breasts, height, skin color, along with their sensuality that is over! (Try that on your significant other. "Your sensuality is over!")
Please place your answers after the letter R:, which is below each question.
1) You've been here in Brazil?
R: I have not been there in Brazil.
2) Have you done any movie scene with a Brazilian author? If you did, what's his name?
R: Yes. Paulo Coehlo, author of The Alchemist. Three movie scenes. He is a man of sensuality that is over!
3) How much more the man who draws your attention?
R: Many much more man who draws my attention it is that who is.
4) Do you feel pleasure in every scene of the movie you do?
R: Even when I'm not doing a scene of the movie I do, I feel the pleasure.
5) At any time, you felt pain in a sexual relationship?
R: I once dated an elephant. It was brutal.
6) You feel more pleasure with men of large penises, medium or small?
R: I'm not really into sizes. I have more of a texture fetish. I love penises that feel like corduroy.
7) Would you accept your daughter do porn?
R: Sure. Why not leave it up to my family to keep you jerking off for a few more decades!
8) Do you masturbate when alone?
R: If you masturbate when you aren't alone, you definitely do it when you are alone. Come on, Sergio. Logic.
9) Do you have any religion? What's the name?
A: Ass Worship 6. You can buy it on my website, ryanconner.com.
10) Which author would you most like porn to make movie with him?
R: Norman Mailer. But he's dead, so I'll have to get my fix with Coehlo's corduroy.
11) You want to do porn until age?
R: Until the age of Acquarius.
12) Have you ever had sex with a fan of yours?
R: Yes, but it was one of those hand-held fans that you take to Six-Flags in July. Ironically enough, I've never had sex with a box fan.
13) Have you ever watched a Brazilian porn? What do you think?
R: Don't get too personal here.
14) Do you have sex every day?
R: I never have sex, to be honest. I fuck.

I'm awaiting your answers

Thanks and a hug. (Now he tries to class it up and play the "sensitive guy" role?)

Sergio

My real response. And the best thing I have ever done.

HEY SERGIO!

GREAT QUESTIONS;)

I WOULD LOVE TO ANSWER YOUR INTERVIEW. BUT FIRST CAN U DO ME A FAVOR? I HAVE 2 NEW MOVIES THAT I JUST SHOT (ALL OVER MY ASS!) AND I WANT A QUOTE FROM A FAN TO PROMOTE THEM WHEN THEY CUM OUT.

CAN YOU EITHER SEND A SHORT WEBCAM VIDEO ABOUT WHAT YOU HOPE TO SEE IN MY NEW MOVIES OR WRITE A FEW SENTENCES ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE IN THEM? I WON'T USE YOUR NAME. IT WILL JUST SAY "A FAN."

THEY ARE CALLED "ASS CRASH MONSTER" AND "CHINESE SECRETS." IF U CAN JUST GIVE ME A FEW SENTENCES FOR EACH 1 THAT WOULD BE GREAT AND I CAN DO THEINTERVIEW!!!!

HUGZ

R

He did not respond, I'm guessing because he Googled Ass Crash Monster (my series about hipsters) and Chinese Secrets. You can buy Chinese Secrets here on my website, by clicking on the Store link. And the first episode of ACM is here as well. I'm in the middle of figuring out how to release the rest of the series. I think it's really good and it's just been sitting on my hard drive for months. Pathetic. It's coming soon though.

Bye-bye.

The Annual NBA Playoffs Preview That No One Cares About

2011-04-14T15:04:00.005-04:00

Warning to regular readers: This is not funny. It's not trying to be funny. It's about basketball.

My background: Basketball has been one of the three most important things in my life since I was about four. I could dunk in college. I even dunked a couple months ago, the last time I played. I won the three point contest in college by shooting a 26 out of 30 in the final. I know how to read NBA offenses and defenses. I watch around 300-350 NBA games per year. Consider this to be free expertise. Commence reading.

Disclaimer: I'm a huge Bulls fan. I miss an average of 3-4 games per year. I wear the Bulls' 2000 Draft Night hat just to show people that I was a fan when they couldn't win 20 games.

Eastern Conference:

#1 Chicago Bulls vs #8 Indiana Pacers

The Bulls are obviously going to destroy the Pacers. The Bulls have won 19 of 21, and 14 straight road games. That is impressive. That said, the Bulls went 15-1 in their division this year. The only thing preventing them from having the first perfect division record in NBA history was the Indiana Pacers. A few weeks ago, Tyler Hansbrough was unstoppable. He had about 8 straight games where he was one of the top two players on the floor each night. They played the Bulls during that streak and he out-energied them. The good news for Chicago is that Granger is back and Hansbrough doesn't get the touches anymore. And Luol Deng will pretty much shut Granger down. Sweep. 4-0.

#4 Orlando Magic vs #5 Atlanta Hawks

This is the best first round match-up in the East. If Orlando had two more viable big men, they would be a title contender, but Dwight Howard is literally their entire interior and entire defense. Gortat is just there so that Howard can take Gatorade breaks. This will be a great series because Orlando is jump-shooting team. Jump-shooting teams ALWAYS lose in the playoffs against a good defensive team. You're not going to be hot on 4 out of 7 nights against a good defensive team. Atlanta has one of the best individual line-ups of defenders: Josh Smith, Kirk Hinrich, Joe Johnson and Al Horford. That is a perfect defense. On paper, that is. Here is where I backtrack. If Joe Johnson was playing at the level he was at before he signed the new contract last summer, Atlanta would take this in six. However, you don't enter the playoffs on a six game losing streak and start hot. Their chemistry is fleeting. Orlando should win this series in seven games, because of Atlanta's inconsistency. If Atlanta comes out flat in game 2 (I'm expecting them to lose game 1), Orlando could win in five. If Howard wasn't 99% responsible for Orlando's defense, and someone else could guard someone, this could be an Orlando sweep. This will be an anomaly of a series, when a jump-shooting team beats a defensive team, simply because the jump-shooting team also has the best defender in the game and Atlanta is too streaky.

#2 Miami Heat vs #7 Philadelphia 76ers

Philadelphia has been playing better than they are, which will come to an end. They're like the Scott Skiles Bulls. Doug Collins maximizes every player. It serves your team great during the regular season because you'll beat the bad teams almost every time. But in the playoffs, you have to play playoff teams every night. I'll get to Miami in more depth for the next series. Miami in five, although a sweep wouldn't surprise me. The fact that Collins got the here is as impressive as the Bulls winning 62.

#3 Boston Celtics vs #6 New York Knicks

The most underrated elite team versus the most overrated mediocre team. The Celtics seem to be coasting lately - four or five weeks. Rondo has been playing like a pile of dung in comparison to his standards. Two years ago, Rondo had a passable regular season. When the playoffs started, he was an animal. Boston has the second best defense in the league. The Knicks score a lot. The determining factors are going to be: The Knicks allow 106 points every night, while Boston has the most efficient offense in the league(maybe #2 since their recent slump). Boston plays at a pace that will force the Knicks into half-court offense, which means NY will settle into ISO. ISO doesn't work against Boston. They rotate too well on penetration. The most important deciding factor is that Boston plays as a team. The Knicks watch Melo-Amare-Billups. If all three aren't hot, and Toney Douglas doesn't have a career game, they don't have a chance on any night. This will be an entertaining series, but Boston will take it in five.

Eastern Conference Second Round

Bulls vs Magic

Orlando doesn't have the depth inside to play with the Bulls. And their shooters will not have time against Chicago's close-outs, which are video game quick. Derrick Rose will not allow the Bulls to drop more than one game against Orlando. I think it will be game 3. So, Bulls in five.

Miami vs Boston

Best series so far. Two weeks ago, I would have said Boston in six. Now I don't know. If the Celtics had kept Kedrick Perkins, I would pick them to win the East, no question. That loss makes them a different team. Miami is peaking. I still don't know if Miami will have the balance to beat a great defensive team like Boston four times. Miami's defense is great too. Boston has the most efficient offense. This is the toughest series to predict in the playoffs this year. I think it will come down to Rondo. If he plays up to his potential, we could see Boston closing the series in six on their home-court. If it goes to seven, on one hand, it's hard to see Miami losing game 7 at home, but it's just as inconceivable for the Celtics' defense to let Miami's big three have 4 big games. I think I have to go with Boston in six because of Miami's poor PG play. That said, I would not be surprised if Miami ran Boston out of the gym in five games. You can't predict what Miami Heat team will show up from night to night. But officially, Boston in 6.

Eastern Conference Finals

Bulls versus Heat

The Bulls swept the Heat during the regular season, but neither team was healthy in any of the three games. Based on the Bulls rarely having a poor game, unrelenting effort, and D-Rose's dominance, the Bulls will take this series in six.

Western Conference

#1 SA Spurs vs #8 Memphis Grizzlies

Memphis is better than an 8 seed. They're actually a really good team. If San Antonio is healthy, they are the best team in the league. Even if Manu is out longer than they anticipate, this series still won't last long. The Spurs are just too good. Spurs in 5.

#4 OKC Thunder vs #5 Denver Nuggets

Denver is the most balanced team in the league. They have the third best record in the league since they got rid of Melo, behind the Bulls and Lakers. Kobe praised them a few weeks ago after the Lakers lost to Denver, saying the Nuggets have two starting line-ups and no bench players. True. Plus the Nuggets are one of the best coached teams in the league. A lot of experts are picking Denver, but I don't see it happening. OKC is the 4th or 5th best team in the league. They have two superstars and a great defensive presence by someone I hate as much as Bill Laimbeer, Kedrick Perkins. OKC in six, although every game in this series will be very close.

#2 Lakers vs #7 New Orleans Hornets

This year's Lakers are literally unbeatable when they're on. The Hornets are very good when David West is healthy. He isn't healthy now. This will be a sweep that might be embarrassing in two or three games.

#3 Dallas Mavericks vs #6 Portland Trailblazers

Portland is not a 6 seed. If Roy had been healthy all season, they would be sitting around 3 or 4. Dallas, as usual, is a great regular season team. Tyson Chandler's presence inside will make every game close. Dirk will always deliver. But Portland is so deep. The combination of Aldridge, Roy and Gerald Wallace is as good of a 1-2-3 punch as any in the NBA. I know it sounds crazy, but there's no ego with these three. They're great teammates. Even Roy, with all of his skills, doesn't spurn the offense for ISO. I like Portland in 7.

Western Semis

#1 Spurs vs #4 Thunder

If the Spurs aren't 100%, OKC will out-energy them. OKC could take this series, but I have to count on the Spurs playing a 4 or 5 game series in the first round while OKC plays 6 or 7. With the possible extra week of rest (in addition to the sometimes 3-4 days off in the first round) to keep the Spurs fresh, I like the Spurs in 7.

#2 Lakers vs #6 Portland

Re-read what I wrote about the Lakers. This will be a walk. They will get lazy and lose game 4, and wrap it up back in LA in game 5.

Western Conference Finals

#1 Spurs vs #2 Lakers

If LA loses sync, as they have during three streaks this season, the Spurs will take this series, again, provided they're healthy. But ultimately, the Lakers have the biggest, best roster, and the best coach. They're built for the playoffs. Lakers in 6.

NBA Finals

#1 Chicago Bulls vs #2 LA Lakers

Holland is my national soccer team. I already know what it feels like for your favorite team lose in the final, after the World Cup last year. It takes time, but eventually I cope.

Logic, numbers, momentum, home-court and every quantifiable measure tells me the Bulls win this. The Lakers will get destroyed by Derrick Rose for sure. The Bulls are the only team in the league with the front-court depth to play with LA. Deng guards Kobe as well as anyone. The Bulls have home-court, are the best home team in the league, and are riding a 14 game road winning streak. The Bulls dominated the NBA's elite this year, while LA was just good against them. There are so many reasons to believe that the Bulls will win. But I still say the Lakers are the Lakers and Phil Jackson is Phil Jackson. They don't lose to young teams in the playoffs. Somehow, LA will find a way to win game 6 or 7 in Chicago and win the series. I'm sad about it already.

All of the above predictions will happen, except hopefully not the Finals.

Web Hosts and Columbia (Not the Country)

2011-04-11T12:03:00.003-04:00

-I did a show at Columbia on Saturday with a few friends, Eric Patrick, Jermaine Fowler, and the svelte Bryson Turner. I went to the bathroom before the show and saw this sign.

I was confused. Everyone was confused. First, there's a nearby footbath, because why wouldn't there be. But people are spurning them for the sinks? Or was it one rogue foot-washer who thought he was above footbaths? Someone told me it's a Muslim thing. I'm sure it is, but I know a lot of Muslims, and none of them are freaking out about their feet being dirty. Just take a shower when you get home and you'll be fine, hypothetical person. I have a feeling just one person washed their feet in the sink. Or someone made a mess in the bathroom, and some nutjob blamed the mess on "Them Muslins! They come over here and wash their feet wherever they want." Calm down, nutjob.

Jermaine and I decided to have a little fun with the sign/sink.

See here:

We racistly named the picture, "Turn Back the Clock Night." At first, we had to decide who would be the washer and who would be the washee. Then I said, "Oh, racial undertones..." And he nodded his head and laughed.

After the show, we asked a few students where we could get pizza. The correct answer is "On any corner for the next 15 miles." What the students said was, "Follow us." These three girls led us 10 blocks to mediocre $4 pizza. It's pretty hard to find mediocre pizza in New York, and it's even harder to find a plain slice that costs more than $3. If that wasn't annoying enough, during the walk there, they were constantly labeling everything about Columbia as either "ghetto" or "hipster," which are the two most-used entitled-white-girl-adjectives in the lexicon. One of them actually said, "I just want to transfer to a real school with some school spirit." Shut your dumb mouth. One of the top schools in the world isn't a "real school"? They were stuck in the high school mentality of labels and school spirit, which is something I didn't even understand as a 12-year-old. "All of our parents bought houses in the same neighborhood! Go Bobcats!" No thanks.

If these girls didn't already annoy everyone enough, they tipped the scales after we got to the pizza place that was a mile away from my car and they didn't even eat. They had three cups of water and watched us eat. If any of these things are things that you've thought about doing with your life, please reconsider.

-A year ago, I bought a second web domain and never followed through with the site. I received notices that if I didn't renew, it would expire. Perfect, I thought. I didn't renew. Then I got an email yesterday which said my account had been renewed and they took it upon themselves to charge my card. I chatted with support online for a while. They were trying to say I authorized it. I proved that I didn't. Then they said they would refund a portion of the money and keep the rest as an "early cancellation fee." I explained why it's wrongful charge, not an early cancellation for something that had been charged minutes earlier. They wouldn't budge. So I wrote, "Thanks for your time. Instead of receiving a partial refund, I will file a charge-back with my bank." Charge-backs really hurt a merchant's standing with their bank, if upheld, so she immediately wrote back, "We will cancel and issue a full refund immediately, but only on the grounds that we now own the rights to that domain." Um, sure. Were you paying attention? I don't want the domain. That's what this is all about. It's as if I returned a pair of shoes and the manager said, "Okay, we'll let you return them. But if you do that, we're going to keep the shoes. You can't take them with you." Right. I think she just wanted to phrase it to sound like she won the argument.

-Roommate Quincy and I have compiled a list of things that happened almost daily as kids, but are eventually phased out as you get older. I still do two of them. I'm 30.

1. Random bloody noses.

2. Shampoo in the eyes.

3. Falling down and crying.

4. Pretending to punch things and making the punch noise with your mouth.

5. Pretending to dunk on a door frame.

6. Pee-pee dance.

7. Hitting your funny-bone.

8. Jumping for no reason.

9. Running everywhere.

I do get bloody noses from time-to-time because of dry sinuses. But that's not a kid bloody nose. Kid bloody noses are either mysterious, or because something that should never happen happened. Like, "Well, he threw the frog at me and..."

I pretend to punch Quincy and make the punch sound with my mouth at least twice a week. I don't think I'll ever stop that.

Once I turned about 14, I stopped hitting my funny-bone and enjoying roller-coasters. They have both probably happened five times since then. I like that.

I really like that kids don't walk. If they have their way, they run everywhere. Think about it: At pools, the lifeguard has to constantly yell, "Don't run!" But why would anyone run at a pool? Nothing is going anywhere. Because running everywhere for no reason is fun. I wish adults did this. It would be constant bedlam. People would sprint to get salt out of the pantry. The sidewalks would look like Godzilla must be lurking around every corner. That's just good livin'.

APOTHECARY!

2011-04-01T15:20:00.003-04:00

Appetizer:

The top two funniest things I've heard someone say in the last six months:

2. "There's no better feeling than making people laugh. I guess a close second would be closing a sale." I want to know what number three is.

1. "She's just gonna be sittin' on the toilet, lookin' swagged as fuck." No explanation necessary.

Last night, Erin Conroy and I enjoyed one of the greatest nights of both of our lives. I've mentioned here previously that I love awful things. One of my favorite albums is by a Maryland rapper named Tae-Ron ("Like Tony the Tiger, now my life is great-great-great!"). Boxing Helena may be my favorite movie, but I'm constantly debating whether or not I like Guns better. I love terrible.

A friend of mine, who for his sake, we'll call Bob, is in a play this weekend. I asked him about it a couple weeks ago. He said it's $18. I asked how it is. He said, "Worst production ever." He has been in plays for 25 years. He's familiar with some productions.

I was ready for it to suck, but didn't know if it would break the "So shitty I could watch it for 24 hours" threshold. Then , yesterday afternoon, photos from rehearsal were posted on Facebook. The pictures themselves were worth $18. The play is by Moliere, a 17th century French playwright. That's some context. Now, the pictures. Everyone is in period garb. But Bob is wearing a giant gold dunce cap, with a long blonde wig. Meanwhile, the furniture is clearly from the 70s, and there are modern medicine bottles on the tables.

A lot of comedy from as recently as the 90s feels dated. So, how dated is comedy from the 1670s? Very. The same situations are always funny, but the conventions that deliver them aren't universal. The dunce cap... what the fuck? What a simpler time.

"And he shall be wearing the cap of the fool! Oh, but wait, that isn't all. It shall sparkle of gold!" Hilarious.

We arrived at the theater an hour and a half early to get tickets. As we approached the theater, we heard them running a scene. It was so bad that Erin and I looked at each other and said in unison, "I think we'll be fine."

The initial plan was to get a slice of pizza, then come right back. But the taste of the show made us realize we should make a night of it. So we had a good meal. Came back 15 minutes before the show. Tickets were bought, then the waiting game began. While walking around the halls, we discovered that the neighboring theater was selling Arbor Mist "wine." We loaded up, and took our seats in the back row of the theater.

The theater was pretty small, maybe 50-60 seats, with the stage in the middle of the two stands of seats. We could see the crowd opposite us as well as we could see the performers. This made things even better.

During the show, I kept a running diary on my phone, which is just one of 37 reasons we could have been kicked out. The good thing is that it was a comedy. So although we were laughing at the wrong moments, at least we were laughing.

Now, the running diary (Note: All of these things were said by me to Erin, unless otherwise noted.):

-The back row is rickity. I'm not sure if it's stable enough to sit on. Erin: "Let's lean back and see if it kills us."

-We're 15 minutes in. Holy geez. The director should be in a dunk tank in the hallway while everyone is leaving. This crime can't go unpunished.

-Erin: "This play should be called, "My First Scene."

-(The lead was over-acting hard. Everyone else was at a 4. She was in the 30s range.) I would pay for someone from the Arbor Mist play to walk in and go "Bitch, you need to calm the fuck down."

-The worst actor I have ever seen just said, "Don't you say fiddlesticks to me!" That's always been my policy too.

-Erin just choked on her Arbor Mist when a woman walked out in the Queen Elizabeth headgear thing. When she was composed, she said, "She's wearing a neck-pillow." Erin was right.

-Erin, scenario for you: You've been dating the male lead for three months. Then you see this. How much does that change things? Erin: "I don't even want to think about it."

-The Notary, who "happened to be in the other room," which is where I keep my local notary, will from henceforth be known as "What Should I Do With My Hands????." Erin: "They let her in the play because she brought that outfit from home.

-30 minutes in and I'm working up a good laughter sweat.

-(A guy playing a crazy jester or something came in. It bordered on terrifying.) Are they mixing in The Elephant Man here, or is this scene from MASK? Erin: "He's not in the play. He's a local homeless who wandered in." (He then stabbed himself in the chest with a stick.) You know 40,000 homeless die every year in New York. (10 seconds of silence) Erin: "Panty. Dropper."

-(The tramp is surrounded by four weird cupids, who are chanting.) This is not making me have to shit less. (Eventually, a guy cupid and a girl cupid throw the tramp.) It can't be a compliment to be the girl elected to throw the tramp.

-(Our friend's gold hat thing was coming up. We could tell, because we could see the hat bouncing up and down over the backstage barrier.) Erin: "This is like a more awesome version of JAWS." (That would be comment of the night so far.)

-Shaft (I don't know what this one means. Must be a typo.)

-Real sweat now. Thick lather.

-(The female lead is overacting harder than ever.) Is her character supposed to be autistic? (Not a shot at autistic people, but at her performance. Take it easy.)

-(At this point, we started watching the other audience members.) The girl on the back left looks sad. Erin: "She looks like she's taking a shit." A sad shit.

-Someone in the crowd is reading. That's worse than keeping a live journal.

-Girl in red is loving it. She's laughing when you're supposed to laugh. And I think she's eating her boogers right now.

-(The play takes place in France, and a black actress came in.) Is that Sally Hemmings? (This one is for 10 people.)

-(As Sally Hemmings was being spanked by the terrible acting lead...) I've seen better acting in porn. Actually in most porn. Erin: "You're right. Wow." (This was a weird awakening moment. I think we both gained more respect for porn-stars.)

-Old guy just crossed his legs to conceal his boner.

-(The entire back row looks miserable.) Red is loving it. The back row is going to sign a suicide pact at intermission.

-(There was utter chaos on stage for five minutes. We didn't know what was happening.) How much would you like to see a cameo by the Micro Machines guy right now?

-I didn't watch the Godfather until three months ago because I didn't think I had three hours to spare.

-(The back row is out. They look dead.) The cyanide is kicking in now.

-(We just met my new favorite actor. He's Korean. The play is set in 17th century France. And he FAKED a CHINESE accent. It was unbelievable. He had no accent off stage. And the voice sounded just like the bad guy from Big Trouble in Little China.) You've seen Big Trouble in Little China? Erin: "Of course." From now on, that guy's name is Wang.

-(Wang just yelled "Apothecary," for no apparent reason.) That's the first time anyone has yelled "apothecary." Erin: "Seeing how this is going, it won't be the last."

-(Wang just did a soliloquy that dreams are made of. His arms move like they're made of robots.) He's gonna get a Tony for that. Erin: "You mean his boyfriend Tony is going to say 'Good job'? Maybe."

-This would be a good show if it was improv.

-The entire other half of the audience looks dead, except for the old couple in the front. I can't tell if they're parents of a cast-member or tourists. I really hope they're tourists. This would ruin NYC for them.

-Wang has been on stage for 15 minutes without any lines. Just calculated reactions. Every five seconds, it's like he's saying to himself, "Surprised... Confused... Riled up... Step to the left..."

-(There's a scene where the nurse keeps disappearing and coming back in with a beard, then disappearing and coming back without the beard, over and over.) I think this scene is how Superman was conceived.

-(Re: The old couple) Erin: "Shoes off. Front row." (The woman was rubbing her feet together. It only made the night better.) Uh-oh, the scarf is coming off too. Must be laughter sweat.

-I'm going to write a spin-off. Adventures with Wang.

-WOW. The last line of the play was Wang yelling at the top of his lungs, with his arms flailing, "After all, it is CARNIVAL TIME!"

Glorious. I wish I could say when and where the play is, but I don't want to put Bob in that position.

Going to bad plays is now my new favorite thing to do.

I'm a Winner!

2011-03-28T11:31:00.002-04:00

I just received this email:

Congratulations!!! £1,500,000.00 Pounds has been awarded to your email, from Liverwood Promo, Held on March 2011. Fill form below;

Name..
Address..
Country..
Tel..
Alt. Email..

Regards,
Dr Lucy Giles
Liverwood Inc

Naturally, I responded.

Would it be possible to just email the money to me?

I'll keep you posted. I've done this before. The next step is to explain to the person that I prefer to "stay off the grid" due to not trusting banks and having a general fear of government.

What I've Been Doing

2011-03-25T13:15:00.002-04:00

The blog has seen a recent drought. My bad. As I've mentioned here before, when there's a blog drought, that means I'm working on other things.

My DVD, Chinese Secrets, is now finished with editing. There's a sketch in the beginning, featuring Meg Cupernall. And there's an hour of stand-up too. Now all we have to do is finalize the packaging, order them, and hope people buy them.

Quincy and I just completed editing our first short film. And we're shooting another in a week or so. We won't be able to put them online until June. But I thought you should know that's in your back pocket. Rest easy, folks.

I have a lot of stand-up dates to add to the website too. But for some reason I keep putting it off. I have to wait until I have the energy to open Dreamweaver.

I made two situations weird for other people this week.

I was in CVS with my roommate, Pat House, on Wednesday night. He said he wanted to buy a soda. While he was doing that, I was browsing the Ben and Jerry's. I looked to my right and saw him looking at gallons of milk. At least I thought it was him. It was a guy with the same color hair. Same jacket. Same height. But it was not him. He bent down to pick up a gallon of whole milk. I said, "You're getting milk from CVS? What a fucking weirdo." The guy did not respond because he was not my roommate. I looked at ice cream for a couple more seconds, until he walked behind me. Then I followed him to the register. At first, I said, "I don't know why I'm physically unable to not buy Ben and Jerry's. I should just get pregnant so it at least makes sense." Once again, he didn't respond. Because once again, he was not my roommate. As we walked to the register, I continued to taunt him for buying milk at CVS when we live next to a grocery store. No response. While we were waiting in line, I noticed that his hair was a little shorter than usual. So I said, "Someone got a haircuuuuut!" Then his face turned slightly and I discovered this guy looked nothing like my roommate. I panicked and walked away. In retrospect, I should have apologized. Or he could have said, "I don't know you." But it was probably my duty to apologize, not his.

Item #2.

Watch that video. The song, Smell Yo Dick, is as catchy as California Dreamin'.

I started a day job a little over a month ago. Over the past five years, I have only had a job for five months. So this is very foreign to me. I don't understand what's appropriate, and I cross the line too often. Example: I brought something into a lawyer's office. He was playing Lionel Ritchie's "Easy" at the time. When I got back to my desk, I IM'd him, "You have to warn me the next time you're playing Lionel Ritchie. Had I known, before I came, I would have slipped into something sexy." No response.

But the big oops was when I was at my desk singing, "Let me smell yo dick." I was into it. You can't sing that song and not be into it. Then I noticed a presence behind me. A middle-aged Jamaican lady was behind me, observing my performance. I handled it like a champ. I pretended it didn't happen and said, "Hey, what's up?" My calm made her forget about it. It's the closest thing to a Jedi Mind Trick that I have ever pulled off.

The subject of the song is confusing. Before I listened to the song, I heard the title and thought it was a new sex act: Dick sniffing. I thought it was weird and didn't understand who gets what out of that.

"She smelled my dick, son."

"Oh shit! Word?"

Then I found out that you're supposed to do it if you think your boyfriend/husband/whatever has been cheating. There are other solutions. How about asking, "Are you cheating on me?" That usually solves it. You can tell if someone is lying. It's a violation of trust, although if you're up for dick-sniffing, you probably aren't a trusting person to begin with, but just check his call log or texts. How about looking for stray hairs. There are other ways. That's all I'm saying. I just think that finding out he's cheating on you is probably less humiliating than getting on your knees and sniffing a dick for foreign particles. Then what? "Oh, this smells like Brenda's vagina?" How do you know? Or if she doesn't pick up a scent, does she just tap the balls and say, "There you go. Clean bill of health." Who wants to sit down for a casual dinner after that? What I'm saying is, you don't have to dick sniff. Wasn't this what the suffrage movement was supposed to eliminate?

There Are No Terrorists on Your Airplane

2011-03-15T15:50:00.002-04:00

-My roommate, Quincy, and I had a weird coincidence today. I would say it was slightly more gay than if our cycles synced up, and slightly less gay than us having man-coitus.

A few weeks ago, I started doing P90X. Don't worry. I haven't become a fitness douche. But I was staying with a friend who was doing it to get in shape for an endurance competition. Since I was staying with him, my choices were a) Do P90X with him. b) Watch him do P90X. That's easy. Watching would have been really weird. It's like at my friend John's bachelor party when Jim and I jumped right into the hot tub at the beach house. Everyone was standing around talking about how weird it was that the two of us went straight for the hot tub together. Really? Is it as weird as 10 other guys watching two guys hanging out in a hot tub? I'll answer that for you. No, it isn't.

That's the background.

I called Quincy this afternoon.

"Hey man. Want to do P90X yoga with me at 6:30?"

"Can't."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm already doing yoga somewhere else."

Long pause.

"I have some thinking to do. Talk to you later."

-I performed at University of Wisconsin-Stout last Tuesday. The return flight connected in Philadelphia. It's a 25 minute flight from there to NYC. But it's three hours longer if someone on the plane accuses a fellow passenger of being a terrorist.

Two guys who look like Glenn Beck book owners kept repeating, "Don't dismiss the threat! Don't take this lightly!" The flight attendant stayed calm and said, "Sirs, the man who dropped the bag off for the passenger is an airline employee. The passenger left the bag at the gate on accident."

The assholes would have none of it. "All I know is I saw someone get on the plane with a bag, and get off without a bag. How do I know it wasn't a bomb?"

She looked at him like he was insane. He said, "I'll show you the passenger and the bag."

First a swarm of TSA employees came onto the plane. One of the assholes pointed out the passenger and the bag. The guy looked and sounded like a Swedish banker. The bag was a laptop bag, which contained... a laptop... SURPRISE!

The plane was evacuated for hours.

We got back on and another dickface, who I was sitting next to, until I switched seats with his wife, protested, "When we were off the plane, how do we know they didn't plant another bomb?"

1. This guy had ashes on his forehead. If you're walking around with ashes on your forehead, you shouldn't be allowed to question other people's decisions until you wash your forehead.

2. ANOTHER bomb? It was a laptop. We know that.

Then he said that all TSA employees were idiots. The flight attendant was pissed. His wife was embarrassed. I was amused.

-I got an email from a stranger who was trying to be flirtatious. I wasn't interested. But instead of telling her that, or being rude and not responding, I wrote things to her that I would only write to very close friends... or on my blog, to terrify her.

My response included the sentence, "But everyone knows monkey brains have AIDS in them." It wasn't offensive in context, I don't think. It's just a weird sentence that would scare a stranger.

She asked me if I could start my own idyllic society, where would it be, who would be there, and what would the major holiday be. On one hand, weird question. On the other hand, somewhat creative. My response, more creative. Here it is:

Great question. Many have attempted to answer this question. Plato contemplated this, which resulted in perhaps the most important piece of philosophy ever written. Let's see if my republic stacks up to his.

It would be situated in the state of Utah, and would be full of Mormons. The people would be very nice, well-educated, but have an odd belief system. The main holiday would be Ass-Balls Day. It would fall on what we know as Palm Sunday. Ass-Balls Day would be celebrated with potluck barbecues. It would be required that all attendees dress as their favorite Ass-Ball. All costumes must be made of palm leaves. Sound good?

She has not responded.

Newer Game

2011-03-15T12:25:00.001-04:00

I just devised a new game. It's called, "Read the Article and Guess When the Comments Get Racist."

Here's an article that works.

How Not To Behave on an Elevator

2011-03-02T11:06:00.002-05:00

I thought elevator etiquette was pretty well-established at this point in time. Not so, as I found out this morning.

I got on an elevator. Then a woman joined me. But instead of pressing her button and facing the door, she pressed the button and faced me. She was about three feet from me, looking directly at my face, holding a cup of coffee underneath her chin. She was wearing a beret. I think that has to be known. Because she was facing and staring at me, I assumed she wanted to say something. I removed my headphones, and gave her the "Let's not make this awkward," nod. She didn't process it and continued to stare and say nothing. After about four more tense seconds, she lifted the coffee cup to her lips and started slurping what had spilled onto the lid. But not a regular slurp. It sounded like an alien learning to drink, REALLY loud and cartoonish, while spinning the cup around like an electric can opener. When she finished being a lunatic, she looked back at me and said, "Have a good rest of your day." Then, no exaggeration, she skipped off the elevator.

He didn't look crazy

2011-02-21T11:54:00.001-05:00

I was just sitting on the subway. There was a big(fat, not muscular) guy next to me. He was a little sweatier than he should have been. But nothing disgusting. He didn't look crazy.
I was listening to music when he tapped me on the shoulder. I took off my headphones for this.
"Do you think that statement makes sense?" he asked, pointing to a sign with a C.S. Lewis quote, which said something to the effect of "Friendship begins when one person says to another, 'You too? I thought it was only me!'"
I hesitated to respond. Then I said, "I guess so. It's a little simple, but the idea is there."
Him: "Heh. I wonder because I just switched faiths from my old one to my mother's Mormon faith. And Mormon's tend to be much friendlier than most people."
I know several Mormons, all of whom are very friendly. So I said, "I could see that."
Less than one second later, he asked, "How many gyms do you think there are in New York City?"
"Gyms or gems?"
"To work out."
"I don't know. A lot."
"You've got Crunch. What else?"
"New York Sports Club, Equinox, Golds... There are tons."
"And Bally's. So at least 5."
"At least. What gym do you belong to?"
"I don't."
He looked at me with disapproval and told me he works out every day. I saw him. He does not. He then recommended I cut all meats from my diet, except for fish. For some reason, I wanted him to like me, so I responded, "I did that a long time ago. Best thing I ever did." Not true at all. But he approved. He recommended some sort of herb to me, and I got off the train. I think the whole time he was trying to get me to say, "You too? I thought I was the only one!"

follow up

2011-02-17T16:38:00.001-05:00

I forgot to mention that Erin has two functioning VCRs. She doesn't give up. That's a virtue in most circles.

What if I...?

2011-02-04T14:50:00.002-05:00

-This was originally going to be my last post about Jersey Shore. But I forgot what I was going to write about the show. So I'll just say this: Deana looks like a Klitschko brother. She might be the only person I've ever seen who makes me physically recoil.

-Due to a severe miscalculation, which I'll write about in a couple weeks (THIS WILL BE GOOD, but I can't talk about it yet), I'm staying at my friend Erin Conroy's apartment this week. Highlights of the stay so far:

On night one, she said, "It's 11:11, make a wish!" And I yelled, "Dolphins." The next morning, my aunt told me she saw dolphins at Sea World. Sometimes you just have to believe, and things will happen.

On morning one, I woke her up by playing guitar and singing, "She's a Slut and She Knows It," from Summer Heights High. It brought tears to her eyes.

On night two, something so hysterical happened, that I can't mention it on my blog. Stand-up only. I realize this paragraph is pointless now. But now if you hear me tell the story on stage, you'll know who it's about.

Night three, I had to leave in five minutes, and I wanted to play guitar for 4 minutes and 54 seconds. I had no choice but to eat an entire banana in 6 seconds. Sometimes we have to deal with the cards that life deals us. Her response to it, "I have never seen anything more handsome than that." It's that kind of honesty that I live for.

Last night was the best though. We were at the show she runs at Bar on A. Now, I'm not a big drinker. Last night, I had two beers. But they were huge. About two pints each. That's a lot for me on a Wednesday. I asked Erin if she wanted a beer. She said she switched to whiskey because she's watching her caloric intake. Remember that sentence.

Around 11:40, I was getting tired. She wasn't ready to go. I went back to her place. On the previous night, I got home around 2am, and she told me if I woke her up, she would stab my face off. So, I assumed she would do me the same favor. I got to sleep around 1:30. A couple hours later, she stumbled in, laughing. She walked over and put her hand on my face. "I'm soooo drunk right now. What if... I doo-doo... on your face?"

Then she laughed and walked away. I opened my eyes. She had a dude with her. A guy Mean Gene would call a "behemoth." I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to have to hear this?" And I'll admit my sexism here. If I was at a guy friend's house, he would have got a high five. But I don't want to hear my female friends' sex sounds. I don't want to hear my guy friends' sounds either, but that's something I can deal with and make fun of him for it later.

I wanted to fall back asleep, but I was having a hard time, because I knew I would be awakened by the sounds of horror. Eventually, I was asleep, but of course about 30 seconds of frantic movement in the other room startled me, then almost made me disappointed for its brevity.

So... this morning, I went into her room. The guy was gone. I asked if she knew what she said when she got home. She didn't. She had 7 whiskeys. On a Wednesday. Watching that caloric intake. I re-enacted, "I'm sooo drunk right now. What if... I doo-doo... on your face?" She started laughing and said, "That makes me wish I could date myself."

Then she asked if she really said "doo-doo." I confirmed. She said, "I would normally say poop. You would say doo-doo. Only you and 5-year-olds say 'doo-doo.' You're rubbing off on me." I took it as a compliment, although I'm not sure if it was intended to be one.

I asked what was up with the guy. She told me he's a friend who lives far away in NJ and he missed his train. It wasn't a drunk sexual thing. He just needed a place to sleep. So I asked what the 30 frantic seconds were about. Without missing a beat, she said, "I was probably having night terrors."

Fun week. Hopefully more to come...

- My friend Dan Carroll is building queen-sized bunk beds. That is so much cooler than anything you or I have done. The two coolest things I've done are: I used to have a 24"x36" framed picture of Kevin Nealon reading a map. It wasn't a fan type of thing. I just thought it would be funny to have an enormous framed picture of Kevin Nealon reading a map. My ex-ex threw it out when I was out of town. The other cool thing is a 24"x36" sketch of Danny Rouhier and I face-to-face. It's beautiful. It's on my wall. Go to my Facebook page and check it out. Both of these things pale in comparison to a queen-sized bunk bed. Dan should call Discovery and get them to do an episode of Extreme Engineering on the project. "Nature thought it impossible... But a man was drunk. And that drunk man had a dream..."

- I have a bunch of new dates which I will post soon. I don't know why I'm always slow about this.

Preview of new DVD

2011-01-21T17:04:00.001-05:00

My new DVD, Chinese Secrets, will be coming out this Spring. Here's my favorite joke from the set. I studied audio sweetening. I hope I didn't overdo it.

OKCupid Wrap-Up and another thing

2011-01-21T02:14:00.004-05:00

- My girlfriend of 3.5 years just broke up with me on Sunday due to some circumstances that made things tough.

Here's where the funny/I'm an idiot part comes in: I wanted to convince her that I wanted to change the circumstances. She thought I was acting irrationally (and didn't really want to) because I was scared of the relationship ending. That isn't the case, as it's something I've wanted to do for a while but never told her. So, I reiterated the same point in a few emails to drive home the point that I'm not being crazy. But, sending someone a lot of emails telling them you're not crazy is not the best way to convince someone you are not crazy. I'm not. I just kept thinking of things I should have included in the previous messages. (By the way, we're talking 5 emails. Not 50.) In hindsight, I may as well have said, "No, I'm thinking straight. Ever since I started doing cocaine, I'm seeing everything for what it is. I started shooting meth yesterday too, and my toenails gave me all the answers. Please listen to me!" So, I messed up.

- My friend Erin has been a huge help in all of this. I decided to repay her just now by sending her an email with imagery that no girl wants of one of her best friends. I wrote, "BTW, my balls still work. I checked this morning." She responded, "Hooray! I was going to ask you about your balls. Good. Good." I don't think she meant it though.

-Because of the break-up, I have no desire to even jokingly maintain profiles for Ghost and Van on a dating site. So, we're wrapping it up now.

Since last post, Ghost has received two unsolicited messages and one message response. The best unsolicited message was, "Subject: Dear Lord... Please tell me this is a joke. Please. By the love of everything." I also received, "Are you for real right now?"

His final tally is two responses from messages he sent. That's 10 points. He also received four unsolicited messages, for 40 points, bringing him to a grand total of 50 points.

No one even considered responding to any of Van's smug bag-o'-douche emails. But he did receive four unsolicited emails. It was mixed bag too. One was way too into him. That was documented earlier on the blog. One thought it was hilarious. One just wrote, "Thanks you." I don't know what that was for. And another realized it was a joke, but did not acknowledge whether or not she thought it was funny. It's the equivalent to telling a joke on stage and someone saying, "I see what you're doing there."

In the end of a terribly anti-climactic contest, Ghost has defeated Van 50-40.

OKCupid Update

2011-01-17T19:03:00.002-05:00

It's getting exciting. Van is way more popular than Ghost right now, but I think it's just because he's pulling from a bigger sample. NYC vs Woodbridge, VA. I think I'm going to have to eliminate the page view points to even things out. So it comes down to messages responded to and unsolicited messages received. No one responded to yesterday's messages.

Van's message of the day is a doozy. I don't need to tell you about the girl. You'll gather all the info you need from reading this:

hey...

First off, I just want to say RESPECT for being bi AND a female math teacher. You don't see that combo every day at the market.

That's pretty impressive that you know Ancient Greek. Spoken or written? Ou'le.

I fucking hate pretentious movies too. My favorites are Boxing Helena and Blood Diamond. Have you seen them? How deep did you dig into their radness?

I have to go now. Just got a Beach House bootleg that is waiting to melt my face off.

vAN

Whereas most of Van's matches make sense, every girl recommended to Ghost is way too literate for him. However, this girl is a swinger, which is right up his alley. The message I sent was:

gurl u got way 2 miny wordz on ya shit

all u need 2 say iz the 1st 3 paragrfs.

questyuns:

do i gotta fuck ya boyfrend 2? i aint rilly down wit dat.

u do fuck right? u aint 1 a dem bitches dat like 2 dudes 2 cudle wit r u?

afta dat i just read da blu hi lited wordz.

gaming iz cool

comics like wolverine iz my shit

den u got sum wordz i dont no. da fuck iz a flexitarian?

boobs iz cool u shuld say titties though. sounds more grone up

hit me up if u tryin 2 watch BLOODSPORT and fuck.

GHOST

Today looks promising.

another update

2011-01-14T12:22:00.001-05:00

I just noticed that every girl who is interested in Van lists their favorite movie as Amelie.

AlrightCupid

2011-01-14T11:26:00.002-05:00

There has been some movement. Both Ghost and Van are getting messaged like it's their job. For Ghost, I got an email from the admins. Based on people rating the profile, it said, "How do people rate your personality? GREAT. How bad do the girls of OKCupid want ghostinthecity? SO BAD." I got the same email for Van. It was the same, except his personality was rated as "REALLY GREAT." I am slowly losing faith in mankind.

Initially, I thought people would like Ghost because he's so ridiculous, but be scared of Van because he comes off as a straight-ahead douche. But there's something called QuickMatch, where people can "choose" someone. Van keeps getting chosen. Go to his profile and tell me how this is happening.

Now, the scoring. 50 people have visited Van's page.

I have sent one message as Van. It received no response.

I have received two unsolicited messages. One girl thought the profile was funny. Congratulations to her for being the one out of 50 who realized it couldn't be real. And the other... Wow. Here's the email she sent.

SO MANY QUESTIONS...

1. What does your shirt say? I can't really figure it out from the picture.

2. What exactly are the new Ivys? I know what the term means, but who decides which schools are new Ivys and which are just your average decent university?

3. I love Matt & Kim! I have Pandora to thank for that actually.

4. What's a good Indian Buffet in the city.

5. Is a tattoo above your cock the male equivalent of a tramp stamp.

6. Nice fez.

Ridiculous. As of now, I haven't responded. I think she may be too emotionally invested in a fake person for me to respond. If I were to respond, the purpose would be to turn her off, but if she's attracted to the profile, the response could have the opposite effect. If I was to respond, this would be the response:

1. Legalize the Irish. They go through a lot and no one talks about it. You should watch Gangs of New York if you want to see a documentary on the subject.

2. If you have to ask, you don't deserve to know. Don't be ignorant.

3. Great. Good for you. We all love Matt & Kim. Let me guess, you love breathing too? Let me provide you with a cupcake.

4. Google.

5. I wish I knew someone who was sitting next to you right now so I could have them slap you.

6. I know.

vAN

And, onto Ghost... He has had only 11 visitors. This could partially be because I have him listed as living in a DC suburb, whereas Van lives in Brooklyn. Oh well. Rules are rules.

Ghost received one response from an email and two unsolicited emails. People think Ghost is funny and have prodded me to break character. It's not happening. Check out this exchange. You'll know which ones are Ghost.

This profile made me laugh.

yeh gurl im funny az shit

Haha I can't decide if you're playing or serious lol.

ghost dont fuck round. well he do but u know wat i meen.

haha. ok.

I think she decided Ghost is retarded at the end.

And my favorite exchange.

ROTFL "Not fuckin round dis time..." hahahahahahah

i aint dat good at spelln. da fuck iz a rotfl??

roll on the floor! Your profile is hysterical.

yeh gurl im funny az shit. bi da way da charts juss came bak in and it apeerz my dick iz even bigger than we 1st thaught.

A reminder of the scoring system:

1 point for profile visit.

5 points for initial message response.

10 points for unsolicited message.

Van - 70

Ghost - 36

This could be a huge upset. I thought Ghost would win in a landslide. Stay tuned...

OKCupid experiment update coming...

2011-01-13T22:22:00.003-05:00

I've had a severe migraine for almost 24 hours. The only way I'm able to get on my computer long enough to write this is because I'm in a Percocet haze.

There are really funny updates coming tomorrow.

Ghost, Storming Out Into the Lead

2011-01-12T10:21:00.003-05:00

He just got an unsolicited message that said, "haha - this profile made me laugh."

Ghost -15

Van - 0

So far, fake thugs are way more appealing than douches.

Andy Kline sent me an email where he predicted "Van will get more dates, but Ghost will fuck more."

5 Points for Ghost

2011-01-12T01:03:00.002-05:00

Ghost got a quick response from someone whom okcupid should not have linked him to. Way too smart, and looks like a British pop star. Okcupid failed me on this one. But I have to play by the rules and write a message to one of the first three the site recommends. Come on, Internet. Ghost needs hood-rats. Look at his profile picture. What about a Stop Snitchin' collage says, "Make sure she's educated and clean"?

That's 5 points for Ghost and 0 for Van.

The response to "whats upgurl? so how tall r u? can you dunk. i can. holla back." was...

"haha... you got wine, a huge dick, AND freedom? daaaym."

Come on, Van. Step up your game.

Message to Users #1

2011-01-12T00:39:00.003-05:00

These are the first messages sent to other users.

First, Ghost was recommended someone with a masters degree in something. Good match, Internet. He's illiterate. She has her masters. SIT-COMMMMMM!

She mentions often that she is tall, but doesn't say how tall. I wrote to her:

"whats up gurl? so how tall r u? can you dunk. i can. holla back."

We shall see if she responds. I have $3 on no.

I just noticed there's a compatability page where they measure our answers to a lot of questions. This is one on which we didn't jibe.

Have you ever had a sexual encounter with someone of the same sex?

Her: Yes, and I enjoyed myself.

Ghost: No, and I would never. i aint fuckin no dudes but u can get down wit some bitchs if u want 2.

And another on which we agreed, but I added a little something:

Are you vegetarian or vegan?

Her: No.

Ghost: No. (big dick)

For Van, it was a struggle choosing between a girl who played the accordian and a French swinger. I compromised and sent the following to the French girl:

"You wouldn't happen to play the accordion, would you? Shot in the dark, but I had to ask."

A New Game

2011-01-12T00:23:00.004-05:00

Here we go.

A comic told people he hasn't been doing shows lately because, "Ever since I joined OKCupid, I've just been fuckin' too much to have time for shows." He was serious. It has to be one of the funniest things I've ever heard. "Man, I don't have time to breathe much lately... Yeah, fuckin'." You look emaciated. Have you been eating well? "Nah, no time to eat. I've been fuckin' 24/7." Just say you don't have any shows. That's fine. "I don't have shows because I've been fuckin' too much" is ridiculous. "No, I don't have two hours a day to do shows. 8-10 is when I do my best fuckin'."

I scoured okcupid and discovered some pretty douchey things. One girl said her biggest interests are "Lattes and hard-wood floors." I bet she's a hoot. A young Sheryl Crowe.

So, here is what I did.

I decided to create Okcupid.com profiles for the two characters I've done in series (go to my homepage for details), and have them compete.

Here is the page for Ghost from Crucial Element. The profile name is "ghostinthecity." I'm proud of that. My favorite part of his profile: "Ladees I may seem out of your leag but step up to the plate and take a swing. You might be suprised."

Here is the page for Van from A$$ Crash Monster.

The contest will be running for one month. I will send one message per day to a person recommended by okcupid. Scoring works as follows:

1 point for each profile view by an okcupid user.

5 points for each message response from a user.

10 points for any unsolicited messages received from users.

I will post anything that's good here.

I'm very excited about this.

When Parents Text

2011-01-10T12:16:00.002-05:00

There's a website called "When Parents Text." It's really funny for a few minutes, then you'll be like, "Okay, I get it." Kind of like Photobomb or Family Guy. Check it out if you have a few minutes. It's a really funny idea for a blog.

My mom was an early adopter to texting, as far as people over 50 go. She started texting about five years ago. She started with abbreviations and things like, "C u in 5 mns." I have younger brothers who would text like that. So she thought that's how texting works. I had to tell her that adults use words. She complied immediately.

Since then, there hadn't been any texting issues until a couple days ago. She has a Blackberry and I just got a new one. I sent her my new PIN for her to update my contact. The message I sent just said, "pin:_______." I thought it was pretty straight-forward.

Five minutes later, I received the following:

"PING!"

"I don't know what to do."

"Ping ping pinga pong."

About one minute later, I got an email from her that said:

Subject: Are you okay?

Got an odd "ping" message from you and I'm just checking to be sure you're ok.

I talked to her later. She thought my pin was some sort of coded distress signal and I had been abducted. That is fantastic. You would think that people would coordinate their distress signals with the people they would deliver them to. That's like having a safe-word that's in binary. "0010 1110 0000 1101! Just stop it!"

She also clarified that my brother Joaquim wrote "Ping ping pinga pong." I believe her because I got another BBM message from my mom yesterday which must have been from Joaquim. It read: "Ringa ding ding ding dong aringada ding ding ding dong somala homala boom boom. Ringa ding ding ding dong aringada ding ding ding dong somala homala boom boom." I'm pretty sure my mom didn't write that. Unless it's a distress signal.

Malls are Stupid, DVD Updates, and Other Things

2010-12-30T11:46:00.006-05:00

-My stand-up DVD now has a title and we're making progress with editing. The title is Chinese Secrets, as in "Ancient Chinese Secret." But these secrets are modern and abundant. Hopefully the editing and package design will be complete within a month, and the DVDs will be available in two months. That's the goal. They will be sold exclusively at Neiman Marcus for $4,999.96 each. If you buy it along with a Chaz Bertram scarf, you get the combo for $12,799,96. You have to admit that's a steal. If you run into me on the street (nothing indoors), I'll sign or fingerprint it. Your choice. FREE of charge.
I'm considering Amazon.com as well. But I don't know if they'll do the scarf deal. If I had a staff, I would have bought ChazBertram.com before publishing this, and listed a bunch of scarves for $10,000, but I don't have the kind of resources that ABC had with LOST. Just pretend it's an expensive scarf company. There you go. You did it!
A$$ Crash Monster will be put together as a DVD as soon as the stand-up DVD is finished. It is edited and very funny. The first episode is on FunnyorDie.com. We will also being showing the individual episodes at Sean Gabbert's and my show, Free Healthcare at Bowery Poetry Club in NYC.
The next Free Healthcare show is on January 19th at 8pm. That's right. We've been moved to 8. Now you have no excuse not to come. You live in North Dakota? I don't give a shit. It's an 8 o'clock show. Stop making excuses.

AND ATTEMPTS AT BEING FUNNY....
-I had to go to a mall on December 23rd. It may have been the worst thing I went to in 2010. I can't think of anyting worse. There was the sleep study, which overall was way worse. But I would take two hours of the sleep study over two hours of mall time. My dad stopped going to malls in the early 80s. I think he has been once or twice in the past decade. You get the idea. He was onto something. And he's stuck with it. He's pretty much the Gandhi of hating shopping. He's vehemently opposed, principaled, committed to his cause, and has yet to kill anyone in the name of hating malls.
I'm right on his heels in mall protests. I don't remember when malls, or buying things in general stopped being fun. I guess around the age of 19, two years after I was over fireworks and roller-coasters.
I don't know if malls annoy me because of the cookie-cutter feel, the mass of people or the fact that I don't like shopping. Maybe a combination of the three. Here are the things that made me furious during this mall trip.
1) While in a make-up store (I was with my girlfriend. She thought I could use some new blush. Hey-O!) I heard a woman yell, "Oh my God, you HAVE to get a Crock Pot, girl!!!"
Shut. Your. Mouth. No one has to get a Crock Pot, with multiple exclamation marks. Why are you talking about a Crock Pot when you're nowhere near one. The only thing that should ever be said about a Crock Pot is, "Oh, you have a Crock Pot." Crock Pots are good. I have one. I use it from time-to-time. But the day I exclaim that someone has to get one, is the day I stopped living. "Oh my God, you've never used flavored toothpicks, girl? You gotta pick up a box!"
One time someone gave me a pressure cooker for Christmas. It's a good gift, but not one I want to see enthusiasm attached to. Everyone kept saying, "Oh, a pressure cooker. You can cook beans in 20 minutes now!" Calm down. Why is everyone in a rush for beans? I've never been in a situation in which I needed beans in twenty minutes. You can quote me on that.
2) Food court. I hate food courts. Usually crappy food at inflated prices. The only place that didn't have a roller-coaster length line was a Chinese place that had a pun in its title. Even so, their line was about 25 deep. An employee practically assaulted me as soon as I got in the line, standing about 25 feet from being able to see the food.
"What you want?"
"I don't know. I don't know what you have."
"How you never been here before?"
"Somehow I've managed."
"What you talk about?"
"Nothing. Can I wait to order until I see what you have?"
"We have General Tso chicken, bourbon chicken, chicken broccoli, tofu and vergerterbers."
"Can I see everything first?"
"You like General Tso?"
"Do you have sesame chicken?"
"You get General Tso."
At this point, I was flustered and frustrated. I felt like I was being robbed and I just wanted to mitigate damages. At least she didn't order snow peas for me. As I was paying, I ordered a cup of water.
"We no have cup of water."
"What?"
"We no have cup of water."
"You have cups right there, and water right next to them."
"Nothing for free."
At this point, I was ready to kill. All I drink is water. And I refuse to spend $2 for a bottle of tap water, which is what 99% of bottled water is. So I was forced to have Snapple. I don't really like Snapple, because as I said before, all I drink is water. When I finished eating, I still had half of a Snapple bottle full of the Greatest Stuff on Earth. Which brings me to...
3) This is how annoyed I was by the mall. People kept walking right into me without looking. I gripped my Snapple bottle by the neck, holding it like a club. For about five seconds, my policy was if anyone bumped into me, I would break the bottle on the wall next to me and stab the person's neck. A few seconds later, I remembered that murder is against the law. So I decided to just get out as quickly as possible.

-I don't remember who was asking where they can get a 36"x24" painting of Einstein. Whoever it was, you can get one at the Port AuthoritySubway Station/Art Proprietor. Sorry, but it looks like they're fresh out of Allen Iverson pastels. Scarface watercolors are back-ordered too. What do you expect, with the holidays and all?
-By 9:15AM today, two old guys had winked at me. I don't know what I changed about myself since yesterday, but it was something and it's working. Maybe they can tell I'm not single. I heard that people can tell and that makes them more attracted. Something about "sensing confidence" and "noticing grooming." With two down at 9:15, I thought that by now (3:30PM) I would have at least 60 old guy winks. But I'm stuck at 48. Come on, old guys. Don't you think I'm pretty?
- I only have one story about the snow storm that isn't boring. The B, D, F, and M trains all share a track in certain areas, but split and go in completely different directions. So, in some places, you can catch any of the four of them at the same place. But two stops later, they could be going in opposite directions. Monday morning, I needed to take the M train. Turns out it wasn't running. A D train pulled up and the conducter said, in the most swagger I've ever heard from any type of transportation operator - he sounded like he was about to kill the villain in an action movie - "There is no B train. There is no M train. Get on the D train... We. Makin'. Stops."
- I told someone to "Have a good New Year's Eve." Subconsciously, I thought that if I said "Happy New Year," the guy would walk away and mutter, "Hack

Don't Adore My Baby

2010-12-22T11:12:00.002-05:00

Two things about the Christmas song, Oh Come All Ye Faithful.

1. The main melody is plagiarized from a Mozart clarinet quintet called "Stadler."

2. "Oh come let us adore him..." You can go to jail for adoring someone else's baby. Especially if you adore it too hard ("Yes, Lenny. It is a soft baby.").

I'm not saying everything about the song is factually accurate, but if I was Mary and I just had a baby under miraculous circumstances, I would already be a little skeptical of strangers. Then, all of a sudden strangers are coming from all over the land to see and adore my baby. Don't be creepy, strangers. You don't even know my baby. I don't even know how you knew that I had one, unless his dad was running his mouth about it. Go away, or I'm going to call the police.

Speaking of police, I took my roommate to Bed, Bath and Beyond yesterday to return something. You've seen their employees. Typically it's a mix of smiley people in their 30s and teenagers. No dudes. Last night, one cashier was about 6'7", muscular and had a crew cut. Clearly an undercover cop. He stood out more than Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop. No one bought it. He was asking a manager for help on almost every transaction. But he had no problem making conversation with the customers. "Nice tea pitcher. Where are you headed tonight? Is your Passport valid? You aren't planning any one-way flights, are you? Have you ever stolen or are you a member of Al-Qaeda? Have a nice night."

On the way home, Quincy and I had an impromptu 20-minute scat battle. This will become the norm. Way more fun than I thought it could be. Quincy suggested that when my DVD comes out, I give one away at each Free Healthcare show to the winner of a scat battle. I don't see how I can say no to that.

The Two Worst People I Met in 2010

2010-12-20T14:47:00.003-05:00

In one week, this past week, I encountered the two worst people of the year. Maybe of the decade. They didn't do anything bad. They weren't mean at all. But everything about them screamed, "You should hate me. Ahhhhh (Screaming, remember?)."

Guy #1 -

I was invited to a holiday party for independent filmmakers. I didn't realize, until I arrived, that it was at an extremely nice mid-town apartment. I was under-dressed and over-classed. A guy approached me in the kitchen. He wasn't a douche by any means. I describe him as a stereotypical white guy - a lot of smiling, excitement over things that shouldn't be exciting, and wearing a "sensible" sweater. He asked if I'm a wine drinker. I told him I like wine. He asked if I had been to a wine-tasting. I said that I had not. I like wine, but to me it's a beverage. I don't want to drink something and say, "I detect hints of gooseberry. And... is that a cedar aftertaste? Why, yes it is. This thing has legs, by-golly." I just drink it and say, "This is good." Or, on occasion, "I don't like this." Going wine-tasting is no different from going Mountain Dew tasting to me. That said, I understand that some people are passionate about wine, and it's a fun hobby for some. It's just not for me. So, in comes Douchearoo. A guy who had been on the phone for the entire two hours he had been at the party walked up to us in the kitchen. He stood on the opposite side of the breakfast bar. Stereotypical White Guy, trying to sell me on the idea, asked Douchearoo, "Have you ever been to a wine-tasting?"

"Have I ever been to a wine-tasting? Well, let's see. I. Live. Fifteen. Minutes. From. Napa." As he hit the last syllable of Napa and finished declaring that we should hate him, he slapped the counter.

Everyone looked at him like, "I've heard some monkeys eat their own shit, but I did not expect to see it here!"

He pointed at me. "You have never been wine-tasting?"

"No."

"You have to do it. I'll tell you what - come out to Napa for a week. Stay at my place."

Keep in mind, I don't even know this asshole's name. It's also the first time I've ever called someone an asshole who has offered for me to stay at their house.

"You have to go to at least 4-5 vineyards per day. They run about $100 per couple each. And you should hire a car service, because you don't want to be driving, because you - will - be - sloshed. When you finish, you go to dinner. That's usually about $200. And you can't go home after that. Hit up a B+B. That's about $200. So you're looking at about $1,000 per day. But you HAVE to do it."

"I probably won't."

"You HAVE to."

"I really don't. But thanks."

He then proceeded to tell us about how his girlfriend signed them up for 19 wine clubs, which costs him roughly $4,000 every quarter. The last time she called, excited, to tell him that she signed up for another, he responded, "Who do you think gets the AMEX bill? I'll tell you what - sign up for another one and you're getting a job."

He is by far the biggest douchebag I have ever met.

The other person is a little different. She seemed nice, but a little, I don't know, raw. She needed to be tamed.

Saturday night, my girlfriend took me to a really nice Cuban restaurant for my birthday. This place was awesome - maybe the nicest restaurant I've been to. Seated at the adjacent table was another couple. They were both black. It only matters because of what's coming two sentences from now. The guy looked and sounded normal. His date wore a blond wig, which had a few strategically placed pink streaks in it.

She did four things which made me wish I was recording her at all times, and made her date wish he took her to Applebee's.

1. While the server was taking her order, she said, "I don't really see anything on this menu. Do you have anything else?"

"No, ma'am. Only the specials I already told you about."

"What's that other menu they (my girlfriend and I) got?"

"It's a wine menu. You have one as well."

"Oh, okay. Can you make, like, fettuccine Alfredo, or something like that?"

"No, unfortunately we cannot."

Her date was embarrassed.

"You're a classy establishment and you can't do fettuccine Alfredo?"

That sentence will be on my tombstone.

"I'm afraid not. We only serve Cuban food. I'm sorry."
"Okay, well I'll just start with an Appletini for now."

That sentence will be on her tombstone.

I swear that happened.

2. I don't like listening to other people's conversations, but she was so loud I couldn't help it at times. She told a long, involved story. I'll spare you the details and just say that it ended with, "And that's basically how I learned to fight so good."

3. On one hand, I felt bad for the guy. At the same time, he kept making things worse by walking over three times, standing over her, and making out for about 30 seconds each time, with their heads at the angle of a mother bird feeding its babies. They even made that sound. Weird slurping, I'll call it. What made it worse was that it was about two feet from my girlfriend's head, so I couldn't ignore it if I wanted to.

4. At the end of the meal, she decided to complain that her food was overcooked. This was the type of place where everything is perfect. Nothing is over or undercooked. But she swore that it was overcooked. What did she base it on? "I know it's overcooked because I watch Top Chef and Cake Boss, so I know. And this is overcooked." Her date couldn't keep it in. He was laughing in her face at that. But she kept interrupting his laughter by saying, "No, for real. I do too watch Top Chef AND Cake Boss."

This needs to be adapted for the stage. I think it will be. Look out, 2011.

Some Fun Facts

2010-12-13T09:48:00.002-05:00

I'm turning 30 on Friday, so I wrote a blog with 30 fun-facts about myself. Sounds painfully self-indulgent and tedious. It is. But it's funny. Originally I was going to post a new Power Rankings, but I stopped writing it when I was half finished. So, here we go.

1. I have an uncanny knack for putting together 8-8 Fantasy Football teams.

2. I have never bought ketchup in my life. Never. I have never bought mayonnaise either, but I don't like mayonnaise. I like ketchup. I've just never seen a bottle of it and thought, "That's comin' home with me."

3. I was a late-comer to the mustard game. I never liked it until about three years ago. Now, mustard goes on everything. My friend, Ric, was married a year ago. Still, what I talk about most from his wedding was the mustard during the cocktail hour. If you see me, and want to talk about it, I can go on about it for hours.

4. Lettuce is pointless. I've had it before. Trust me.

5. The 80s song with the lyric, "Every time you go away, take a piece of me with you..." I used to hear that daily in my mom's car. From the ages of 4-9, I thought the lyric was, "Every time you go away, take a piece of meat with you." It seemed reasonable at the time. "I'm gonna be out for a while. It would be prudent to throw some bologna in my pocket for the trip." Actually, it still makes sense.

5b. At least three times in my life, I have traveled with cookies in my pocket. A) Cookies are delicious. B) The look on people's faces when you pull a cookie out of your pocket is hilarious.

6. Also on the subject of misheard song lyrics: I was a big fan of Prince as a kid. The song "I Would Die For You." I was four-years old at the time, and I would sing the song constantly. But I thought the lyric was "Apple-dapple doo."

7. If you were an adult who saw #6 happen, it would have been the highlight of your week.

8. I never really liked Oregon Trail, but was scared to admit it until this moment. Now I know what it must feel like to come out of the closet. Approximately.

9. One day in high school, my friend Billy and I were running a Boston Market because the manager was really sick. We took advantage of that opportunity. We held a contest to see who could throw whole chickens the furthest out the drive-through window. We called it "The Day the Chickens Escaped." A lot of chickens escaped and a lot of seagulls ate their cousins.

10. Billy and I found out later that each of us would write the other's phone number on women's receipts. Example: We're working drive-through together. He's handing out the food. I would write, "Nice mouth. Call me. Billy - 703-590-XXXX," on the receipt and put it in the bag to give to the customer. He did the same to me for a year without me knowing.

11. The first time I scored over 20 points in a basketball game, I was seven. I had strep throat and I scored 28. If I stayed on that trajectory for another 15 years, I would not be writing a blog right now.

12. The first time I saw stand-up, I was about four. I remember walking into the living room and Eddie Murphy's Delirious was on TV. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was cool. I started watching stand-up religiously around 1988, or whenever we got The Comedy Channel. I always wanted to be a writer for SNL or a stand-up. But I didn't have the confidence to be a stand-up, so I focused on writing. After a while, I had a lot of ideas that would only work for stand-up. I decided I had to buck up and give it a shot. I booked a show. Leading up to the show, I was so nervous that I didn't eat for about two days. A couple hours before the show, the girl I was kind of dating at the time offered me a pill to relax me. I took it. It was some sort of anxiety thing. It made me feel lethargic and alert at the same time. The set went better than I could have expected. That's what happens when you write for three years before performing, and you take drugs. That night (pill), I found out the girl I had been kind of dating was crazy. I found out soon after that she was also a lesbian.

13. I have dated three girls who switched teams after me. This could crush my spirit, but I prefer to see it as them wanting to go out on top. I was the pinnacle. What do you play for when you've already won the championship?

14. Due to having six black brothers, and most of my friends growing up being black, I use way more lotion than the average white guy.

15. Related to #14. My skin is soft and moist.

16. My favorite Deep Thought with Jack Handy is "To my way of thinking, there's nothing that can't be cured by a big ol' pot of beans. Except maybe bean fever."

17. I don't know why I said I would do 30 of these.

18. I could do long-division in my head at the age of four. I couldn't tie my shoes until I was seven or eight. My roommate, Al, says this explains a lot. I don't know what that means, but I take his word for it.

19. I've never been in a real fight, but if they're anything like wrestling a big brother, I would hold my own. And the other person would be grounded when we finished.

20. One summer day, when I was about six, I sharted four times. I don't care who you are. You haven't done that.

21. Another summer day, around the same time, when my brother Brent was 10, he made me refer to him as Fall Guy all day. He told me that he kidnapped Brent and took his form, and that if I didn't call him Fall Guy, I would meet the same fate. It was absurd. But after about three hours of him staying in character I had to go with it.

22. One of my older brothers is scared of spiders. He was watching Arachnophobia when I sneaked up behind him and tickled his neck with a piece of string. Without thinking, he turned and slapped the shit out of me. Then we stared at each other in silence for about 10 seconds as each of our fears had been exposed.

23. I'm way too into Michael Jordan. People think they know. They don't. If anyone found my hundreds of MJ basketball cards and over 100 hours of game tape, they might be a little bothered. I'm about to turn 30, and as recently as two years ago, I was watching game footage to study his jump-shot mechanics and help defense.

24. Whenever someone tells me to "Be safe," I subconsciously begin to worry that they're trying to kill me. I'm getting really desperate for Fun-Facts that aren't even remotely fun now.

25. Quincy and I have been doing Crucial Element since New Years Eve, 2000. We shot a feature in the Summer of 2001. It was never edited. Some of the footage may come out as isolated scenes. It's very funny, but the story development could have been better.

26. The most referenced movies are Pulp Fiction and The Godfather. You don't realize that unless you have never seen them. I saw Pulp Fiction last year on a flight to China. It's probably better on a bigger screen, and while you aren't distracted by people wearing dust masks in your periphery. I saw The Godfather a few days ago for the first time. So, to everyone who was given a blank stare to your Godfather reference, "A horse in the bed! Ha, you're right!"

Stories involving famous people:

27. I scared Stevie Wonder and his wife on accident.

28. I accidentally kind-of insulted Mandy Moore, because I didn't know who she was. The weird thing is she liked it. So, Ryan Adams, you should know that she responds positively to negging. (She was very nice.)

29. I briefly dated Alicia Keys in 2001. I was working for a TV station at a music festival. Once I finished working, I was in the back talking to Damon Dash and the other top Def Jam guy, whose name I can't remember. Then Jay-Z was coming out with Memphis Bleak, Beanie Siegel, and a couple others. Two peripheral entourage guys grabbed me and said, "Let's go. We're going on stage with them." I joined the entourage and started to go out with them. 20,000+ were going crazy. We walked through the tunnel, and were about to go up the stairs onto the stage. Then I decided as the only white guy in the arena, people would eventually realize that I wasn't supposed to be on stage. So I casually walked into the press pit instead and got to watch their whole performance from the pit by myself.That is, I was by myself until about 10 minutes into the set, which was when Alicia Keys joined me. She walked right up and stopped next to me. It was probably because I was standing in the middle of the pit, but I'm going to pretend it has something to do with the vibe I was putting out (Dumb and Dumber). We watched the next twenty minutes of Jay's set. Then I turned to her and said, "Do you know what time it is?"

She looked at her watch and said, "11:35."

I responded, "Cool."

That was the brief time I dated Alicia Keys. I'll always look back on those times with fondness.

30. I don't know. Re-read one of the previous ones.

Birthday Wishes

2010-12-02T00:21:00.001-05:00

As you're reading this, either I have a new website, or I will soon. So, have a look around, or come back in the next day or so.

My birthday is coming up on December 17th. I'm not really into birthdays. My dad forgot to call me on my birthday for something like 16 straight years. He would call a couple days later and say, "Is it today or tomorrow?" He always got my birthday mixed up with the day John Lennon was killed (same year) and the date I was supposed to be born. It doesn't bother me. I would rather get no birthday wishes than disingenuous birthday wishes. For example (Por ejemplo, for my Spanish readership), I received two emails on December 1st wishing me a happy birthday. First, it's 16 days away. Relax. Set a reminder. Get a better email database. Something. Don't just do it because you remember it's coming up. If you remember that Thanksgiving is coming up, but it's August, don't make the turkey just yet. Hold off until it's time for the turkey.

Here are the two emails.

One was from a temp agency for whom I've worked a combined seven hours over the course of two years. So yeah, we're pretty tight. The email had pictures of cupcakes all over it. Don't send me pictures of cupcakes. Come on, man. What am I gonna do with that? Print them out and make a wish? The email had suggestions for how to enjoy my birthday. One was to go to a temp job assignment and bring a cake to celebrate with temporary co-workers. Come. The. Fuck. On. Bringing your own cake is ten times worse than throwing your own birthday party. And it's a one-day temp assignment. "Guys, I know you don't know me and I'm just here for one day because you got new filing cabinets and no one on salary will transfer the folders, but we're all human, so lets celebrate me not dying this year by having a cake. Come on. Sing the song."

"... Happy Birthday to Temp-Guy..."

"It's Ryan."

"Whatever. We just want cake. Happy Birthday to you."

The email from the temp agency was as personal as a note from a spouse in comparison to the other email I got. "Happy Birthday! Do you need a new car insurance policy?" Alright, carinsurance.com, are we friends, or do you just want my business? I'm getting mixed signals. Also, I didn't know that car insurance policies synced up with birthdays. I'm pretty sure they don't. "I'm hitting 30 this year, and I'm going to treat myself."

"You're going to Vegas or something?"

"No, I mean REALLY treat myself. I'm thinking a lower deductible."

I Told You

2010-11-30T14:16:00.002-05:00

For anyone who has doubted the stats that I quote in my War on Drugs joke, here you go.

Once again proving that if you don't do drugs, you're twice as likely to die in a car accident.

Leslie Nielson

2010-11-29T15:48:00.002-05:00

Thanks to Julian McCullough for bringing this video to my attention.

I watched Airplane and all of the Naked Gun movies about 40 times each as a kid. As far as being funny goes (without regards to actually having a good story), I still don't think anything comes close to Airplane and the first two Naked Gun movies, except maybe Spinal Tap and Dumb and Dumber. I love dumb comedy that's written smartly. These movies are the perfect examples of that style. And no one played this type of character like Leslie Nielson.

House Idea

2010-11-22T14:59:00.002-05:00

-DVD taping is five days away. This Saturday at 8 and 10:30 at the DC Improv. My friend, and one of my favorite comics, Andy Kline, will be opening. $10. www.dcimprov.com.

-I'm watching Seaton Smith's new DVD, which is coming out soon. It is VERY good.

-This morning I got a great idea. My plan has always been: If I had a ton of money, I think would live in a pretty basic house. I only need enough space to get by. If I could afford it, there would be an indoor basketball court too. But everything else would be very modest.

That plan went out the window this morning. I don't care how much it would cost. If I can afford it, I will have a house built that is an exact replica of an Applebee's, and put it on a wooded lot, so it looks like an exclusive Applebee's. And I will host a party every Saturday. At the party, I will hire actors to pretend to be waiters, and have them pretend to be too busy to get anyone anything all night. They're just putting in orders and running to the kitchen non-stop. And everyone is sitting there going, "Whose order are they taking? This is the worst Applebee's ever." Then their friends tell them to shut up because it's a tough job, and clearly there's a rush.

Eventually, food will be served. But it will be cheese-balls, crackers and lemonade, leading everyone to think a) This is a weird Applebees, and b) Why does Ryan always host parties at this Applebee's when there's a better one off Rte. 1?

Portland, I Like You

2010-11-15T16:01:00.002-05:00

I just wrapped up a great weekend at Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon. It just opened a couple months ago, and is great. It's run very well, and the every aspect of the club is perfect for stand-up. If you live there, or are visiting, do yourself a favor and check out a show there.

I worked with a couple great comics who also happened to be very nice people. The headliner was Greg Behrendt, whom I had never seen live. He was great and one of the funniest people I've ever met off-stage. The host, Ian Karmel, is a guy who you're going to hear a lot about in a few years. This guy is the real deal. Everything he says is hilarious. Keep your eyes peeled, America and Hungary.

Two eventful events took place at the club.

1. About one minute into my set at the Friday late show, the fire alarm went off. I was given a signal that it was a real fire, but I thought, "If the crowd finds out it's a real fire, and the fire department is here, that might hurt the show." So I kept going through the fire alarm. I wasn't doing jokes or anything. The alarm was going for over 10 minutes. During that time, I was trying to figure out where it ranked in terms of crazy things that have happened while I was on stage. It was below a fight, being booed as I was introduced, and below doing an AIDS benefit that lost money for AIDS. Imagine that, doing a show, and at the end, AIDS has to cut a check. During the fire alarm, I did notify the club that "This doesn't cut into my time." They didn't honor my demand, which was understandable since I was jeopardizing the lives of hundreds of people. I'm told that Greg, Ian and Jon (club manager) were on the side of the stage, trying to give me a signal to evacuate. But they decided I was doing really well and having a good time. They made the executive decision that I would be happy to die like that. Maybe so, but I'm not so sure that the audience would like to be the collateral damage in their Ryan Conner Death Fantasy. Once the alarm stopped, the crowd applauded, and I asked, "Okay, did everyone make it out of the fire? Let's count off to make sure we're all here."

It was only a kitchen fire. No real danger, but some smoke. The fire department wasn't happy that people weren't evacuated. Not the club's fault. It was all on me. After the show, Greg said we should have all gone on stage and said, "We're Great White. Thanks for coming out."

2. Greg has a long, great bit about cake. As a result, people sometimes bring him cake. This is having a heavy influence on my writing these days. I just wrote a bit called, "Steak, am I right?"

Saturday night, Ian's girlfriend and very funny comic, Jen, did a guest set. You know what she also did? She brought us a motherfucking cake. Yeah, son. A motherfucking chocolate cake with some goddamned(lower-case g, as I'm talking about Thor) cream-cheese based icing. It just so happened that an audience member also brought a fancy looking store-bought cake.

At the club's bar after the show, we (comics/staff/straggling audience members) were getting our cake-faces on. Jen's cake was delicious and homemade. It disappeared in about three minutes. We all tried a bite of the other one. It tasted fancy, but it wasn't the type of cake that I like to really get into. But two douches were sitting at the bar. A male-female douche couple. I'm so glad they found each other. It keeps them away from everyone else for extended hours. Guy douche turned and said in the most douchey voice you can have, "You guys have to try this cake."

I said, "I really liked the other one a lot more." One, Jen was standing right there. Two, her cake was way better.

Lady Douche responded, "No, but we love this one. It's so..." She couldn't find the next word.

Guy Douche saved the day with this gem: "It's just that... we're both foodies." Everyone struggled to hold back their laughter, as this is the douchiest thing you can call yourself. Everyone likes food, fuck-face.

Then Lady Douche took the steak(I almost wrote "Took the cake," until I realized it was a pun. You see the restraint I show on a daily basis for you, the reader?). She said, "Yeah, we're a couple of nerds."

At that point, everyone fanned out away from them. We looked like a marching band, opening up the middle of the field for a soloist. We like food. We're such nerds. That's not exactly what a nerd is. I'm going to start saying, "I love to read. I'm fat as shit."

Examples of other jokes that could be made (Now in list form!):

"I like to cough when something is lodged in my throat. I'm such a nerd."

"I love when people don't throw acid in my face. I'm practically a genius."

"Me being a complete nerd, I like to alternate between inhaling and exhaling."

"I like to not get into fatal car accidents. Nerd-alert!"

*Just ran spell-check. No typos at all. I should charge for this shit.

A Night of Firsts

2010-11-08T12:49:00.002-05:00

"It's been a pleasure to bring my talents to South Beach. Now on to Memphis." - Paul Pierce, in the best NBA trash talk I've heard in a while.

I did a show in Maryland last Saturday. I don't want to sound hyperbolic, so I'll just say it was probably the worst show I've done in my seven years of comedy. From the second I walked into the place, I knew I was going to bomb really hard. None of the conditions were right for stand-up comedy, especially my kind of comedy. The venue just wasn't right for comedy.

1. It was a sports bar. Oops, didn't know that prior to booking it.

2. It wasn't in a separate room. The stage was in front of the bar, and surrounded by TVs and arcade games. Oops, didn't know that prior to booking it.

3. Initially, the comics were seated on the stage when we arrived, Comic View style. We moved before the show started, because why wouldn't we. There's no reason to have a dais at a sports bar.

4. We were told that we would use the house lights instead of the stage lights.

"Why?"

"The stage lights are too bright."

"That's the point of stage lights."

[laughs]

"No, I'm serious. That's the point. It focuses people's attention."

Still didn't take it seriously.

5. "Will the 20 TVs be turned off during the show?"

"The one on the stage will be turned off."

"Better than nothing, I guess."

6. "Will Big Buck Hunter Safari, Golden Tee, Bowling, and the other video game be turned off?"

"Haha, I don't think those things turn off."

Thank god one of the comics unplugged the games. Then people were actually concerned that the high scores had been erased. If you are concerned about your high score on a bar video game, or concerned about the integrity of any bar game's high score, please kill yourself. I'm not even joking. If that's a priority, then what else are you doing in life? You're probably the guy who stands around the grill at a cookout and gives tips about how and when to apply salt to the ground beef. Then you take a bite and say, "Not bad, I guess. But you should have my burgers sometime." Okay, when are you having a party? "Well, never, because no one likes me enough to come over. I can't figure out why. I mean, I once shot a 62 on Golden Tee. What else do I have to do?" Kill yourself.

7. The show starts with no announcement that a show would be starting. As a result, the host and first comic, Lawrence Owens, took a huge bullet for everyone. No one listened at all. Lawrence should have been awarded with 72 virgins for what he had to go through.

8. Eventually, the crowd was somewhat engaged, thanks to a funny set by a guy named Bill Monaghan.

9. The feature was Adam Dodd, a very good guitar comic. Here's the thing: You don't put a clean, somewhat low energy comic after a high energy dirty guitar comic in a sports bar. In a real comedy venue, it's fine. But doing that in a sports bar is like putting a tennis match after an MMA pay-per-view. So, Adam had a very good set. Usually music, or high-energy, is the only way you can get a room like this.

10. During Adam's set, I walked over to the host and said, "Are you going to do a couple minutes to reset the energy to stand-up?" That's something you should know to do if you're hosting a show. He laughed, thinking I was joking. I told him I was serious. He still thought I was joking. I told him I was serious again. Still wasn't sure if he believed me.

11. The mic started having issues towards the end of Adam's set. The host told me he would switch mics before bringing me up. I thought this meant he would switch mics, do a couple minutes, then bring me up. I thought wrong. He meant he would switch mics, do a sound check while allowing the audience to either have conversations or leave. As there was complete bedlam in the room, he began to introduce me. I was standing next to a couple comics. One of them looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry." That's how dire this was.

12. I went up. Made fun of the show. That got a few people to listen. I was supposed to be headlining with a 30 minute set. By the 12 minute mark, I had the people who wanted to listen to listen, and was doing well enough for me to not want to kill myself. A major problem was that a table of 10 in the back were trying to listen, but you couldn't hear me unless you were in front of the stage.

13. After thinking, "Okay, the next 18 minutes won't be so bad," a G-D ruckus broke out. There was a fight about 8 feet from me. I had never been on stage when a fight broke out. People who like my comedy don't fight. As Andy Haynes once said after a show before a comics vs hecklers fight broke out, "Whoa, we didn't mean fight fight. We drive sedans." If I could have seen the fight, I would have been able to commentate and control the situation. However, it was happening on the other side of a wall, which obstructed my view. So I had no idea of what was happening, except for what the crowd told me. So the crowd was telling me what was going on, instead of vice versa. I know the guys took their shirts off before fisticuffing. I don't even know what to make of that. Does that make them tougher (Road House), more responsible (practical) or complete pussies (don't mess up my shirt, you jerkface)?

14. For the remainder of my set, the only people who listened were the comics and four people in the front. Everyone else was reminiscing about the fight.

15. When I got paid, I was given an extra $20 for my trouble, which was generous, appreciated, and unnecessary. I used that $20 for transportation to a better show.

I had to give this rundown, because this was worse than a show I chronicled here a few years ago, entitled At Least the Scarecrow Wanted a Brain aka The Bathrooms in Hell Don't Have Doors.

November 27th DVD taping in DC

2010-11-06T16:14:00.002-04:00

If you're planning to go to one of my DVD recording shows in DC, you may want to get tickets soon. Not many are left for the 8pm show. The 10:30 still has plenty, but once 8pm is sold out, those will go fast.

Two things... maybe three

2010-11-05T15:21:00.002-04:00

- Quincy and I are putting short segments of our new series, Ass Crash Monster, on Funny or Die. We're kind of cutting out the story and making sketches out of the series for the site. The whole series will be available soon though. For now, check out teaser clips. Here's one that's already uploaded. We have been notified that the good people at Funny or Die really like it and it will be on their front page next week. Word.

- Roommate Quincy does promotional videos for LRG (clothing company), and in turn gets free clothes. If he doesn't need/want them, he gives them to me. He called me few weeks ago and said, "They gave me a nice coat. You can have it." A few minutes later, this was followed by a text which read, "My bad. It's a vest." There's a huge difference there. Larger than the missing sleeves themselves. I don't know when you wear a vest. I even looked for an answer on the Internet Information Superhighway. No answers. When do the conditions ever call for needing cold arms and a hot chest? I couldn't think of a time. After conducting some experiments with beakers and various potions, I discovered that it's a good driving jacket when it's 60-62 degrees outside. So far, that's all it's good for.

Last night, I realized that wearing a vest is like driving a convertible with the top down and windows up. "But I don't want to get my hair messed up." Then get a car with a roof. You look like a douche. Jacket or no jacket. Convertible or no convertible. None of this vest shit anymore. Okay, America?

- Last night, my roommates and I went to a local bar to meet our future fourth roommate. I was reminded of a story of something that happened at the same bar last December.

The bar was really quiet and nice. About 15 TVs, all tuned to sports. Two recliners in front of a fireplace. It's a great bar to watch Thursday night football. But it is bad news on the weekends.

Roommate Al and I went on a Friday night last December. A company was having their holiday party in the back room. Everyone else was in the main bar area. Al and I were seated at a booth. A drunk loser disappeared into the holiday party and came back a few minutes later with two women. He brought them to his friend like they were a trinket, and said, "See, I told you. I got the hottest girl in the whole place. And..." hesitating before labeling the other girl. After searching for the right adjective, he instead settled on a pronoun and referred to her as, "...and... you." Neither of the women took it as a compliment. They went back to their party.

Once the party ended, the back room opened to the public. A band was to perform. They looked like their music might be good. They had the image part down. I was envisioning a 2010 version of Sonic Youth (who are from Hoboken). After waiting 30 minutes for them to start playing, they opened with, "I got my first real six-string, bought it from the Five-and-Dime." Nice. I was thinking Sonic Youth-ish. They went with Bryan Adams cover. Whatever works.

A few minutes later, Al went to the bathroom. While at a urinal, a guy and girl were getting down to business in the adjacent stall, which is awesome... or is it?

"Girl, you mean so much to me, I want to fuck you while standing in other people's piss. Then we can go back into the bar and act weird towards each other and everyone else."

"O-M-G, you really are different."

"Bitch, I know."

Not actual quotes.

So, Al was having a bladder movement, and the guy called out, "Hey dude, do you smoke?"

Al thought, "You want to smoke while having sex in a stall?" But he said, "Yeah."

"Cool, can you do me a favor and give me your cellophane wrapper?"

"Uh, okay."

Yup. That happened. Not sure if it was a make-shift dental dam, condom, or diaphragm. Either way, it's probably not going to do a good job. Why? Because it's meant to seal a cigarette box, not a penis and/or vagina. Let's explore the options:

Diaphragm: You would have to get REALLY luck for that to work. And you might end up with some cuts.

Condom: A few problems here. Now, I haven't seen a ton of naked dudes, but I'm pretty sure no one has a box-shaped dick. Pretty sure. And you want a condom to be more snug than you want it just kind of on there. And you might end up with some cuts.

Dental Dam: 1. Okay, you're up for sex in a bathroom stall, but unprotected oral sex is where you draw the line? Unlikely. That's like wanting to be shat on, but insisting the shitter wash their hands first. 2. I have never heard any record of a dental dam being used. 3. "This is so fun for me. Tastes like a mix of cellophane and tobacco. And the creases and corners only add texture to what used to be tasteless, textureless, Iceberg lettuce of an act. So, are you my boyfriend now?"

Inside the NBA is the best show on TV

2010-10-29T16:08:00.001-04:00

Second episode of the year last night. They cut to the studio after the game and two of the hosts weren't in the studio.

Ernie Johnson: Welcome to Inside the NBA

Barkley: Kenny and C-Webb went home.

EJ: I think they're coming... there's Kenny straggling into the studio.

Then the cameras followed Kenny and Chris Webber walking into the studio.

EJ: If that doesn't make you want to watch the show, I don't know what will.

Barkley: It will at least be better than those games.

Commercial.

Catching Up

2010-10-27T13:40:00.004-04:00

-In an attempt to make a little side-money, I started coaching soccer clinics for kids in the early afternoons. It's fun and they are conducted a few blocks from my apartment. There are several age groups, between 2-12. Monday was my first day. We were working with 5-year-olds. All of the kids are really nice, good kids. For example, we were doing an exercise where they dribble around and we (the coaches) ran up to take the ball from them, and they're supposed to stop the ball before we got to it. I ran up to one kid, and instead of stopping the ball, he stopped, smiled, waved to me and said, "Hi!" That's what we're dealing with for the most part. But I got to see the makings of a nihilist as well. Everyone wears a shirt that's issued by the program. But not The Nihilist. He wore a black t-shirt with a silver Superman logo. His head was shaved. He was a little pudgy. The kid was straight out of the badass kid department of Central Casting. He looked like at some point in his life, he would do something bad at a railroad track. But his personality didn't fit his look. At the end of each session, the kids are given stickers. The head coach said, "Okay, line-up if you want stickers. If not, see you next week." These kids are sticker-crazy, like all kids. They lined up like it was a free drug. All except The Nihilist. He walked about 15 feet away from the group, turned and proclaimed - not said, he proclaimed, "Stickers are pointless. All you do is stick them on you and that's it. That's all they do. It's pointless." Then he gave everyone a look that said, "I can't believe the sheep are falling for it," and walked away, wondering when everyone else would wake up and see the bullshit.

-I headlined a show in Fredericksburg, VA a few weeks ago. There are two parts of Fredericksburg. There's the historical side of town, which is very nice and hosts Mary Washington University. Then there's other side of Fredericksburg, which is like a gigantic rodeo. I'll describe two people at my show, and you guess which side of the town the show was in. 1) A guy sitting up front wearing a sleeveless flannel. He refused to cover his arms after the people at the venue told him he had to. 2) A guy who introduced himself to someone like this: "They call be Big Country." At the end of my first joke, he yelled, "WeeeeeYooooo," like he had just wrangled a steer. Which side of town was it? Your call. Before you answer, remember there's a lot on the line here.

-On November 27th, I'll be headlining two shows at the DC Improv. I'm recording a DVD/Blu-Ray that night. Please come if you're in the DC area. Tickets are here.

-My roommate, Quincy, bought an authentic Thriller jacket from 1982. It is awesome. I brought it with me to a college show and planned on wearing it during the show. But about 10 minutes before the show I realized it would only be funny for about 30 seconds, then I'm just telling jokes while sweating my ass off in a Thriller jacket. I did, however, wear the jacket to dinner at Applebee's after the show (Go to Facebook for a picture). Never underestimate what I will do when given a Thriller jacket.

-Re: The Tea Party, specifically Sharon Angle, Christine O'Donnell, Carl Paladino, Joe Miller, and the woman from North Carolina, whose name I can't remember: How many stupid things do you have to say on TV before you're officially considered retarded?

And how big of a gaffe machine is Harry Reid that he's probably going to lose to Sharon Angle, who once wrote an op-ed about how black football uniforms are evil. She did that. Look it up.

-I'm looking to book a couple weeks of shows in Florida in a few months. Let me know if you have any recommendations for places to look into doing a show.

Good day.

Jokes I Wrote for Weekend Update Last Week

2010-09-30T13:47:00.001-04:00

None of these made it to air, but I like these the most of the ones I wrote last week.

President Obama on Monday challenged Tea Party candidates, who have harshly criticized Democratic fiscal policies, to give specifics on how they would get control of spending if they were in office. A Tea Party spokesman replied, “Kenyans say what?”

Senate Republicans on Tuesday blocked debate on legislation that would end the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t’ Tell Policy” and allow homosexuals to serve openly. Unfortunately, homosexuals won't be allowed to vote on whether or not bigots can serve openly in Congress.

The University of Mississippi this season has gotten rid of their long-time mascot “Colonel Reb,” a Confederate soldier, after years of complaints of racial insensitivity. The University of Alabama has followed suit by removing their mascot, Black Steve the Runaway Slave.

Priorities

2010-09-17T11:35:00.002-04:00

This blog has nothing to do with politics, but I have to preface it with this. I subscribe to the email list for an extreme right-wing organization. Do I believe anything they say? Of course not. But I like to know what the crazies are thinking, so I know when I need to duck. The email subjects will be things like, "Elena Kagan will not relent until she has personally killed 100 babies! We need your help to stop the massacre!" I'm barely exaggerating. So, whenever I get these, obviously I'm thinking, "Yeah right. What reality did they twist to get that?" Well, Wednesday night I witnessed something that could be their next email subject, if only they knew.

Mine and Sean Gabbert's show, Free Healthcare, premiered at Bowery Poetry Club on Wednesday. The show was great. The line-up was DC Benny, Anthony Jeselnik, Jim Gaffigan, Jared Logan, Vince Averill, me. Sean hosted. I'm hosting the next one, on October 12th, featuring Ted Alexandro, and others TBA.

The venue is awesome. The guy who runs it is really cool. But before our show, something happened that made me say, "Oh, that's why people hate New Yorkers."

Before our show was a poetry show. I don't really know anything about modern poetry, so I can't say anything about the quality of it. However, I will say this: They were getting laughs at things that weren't remotely funny. I think the hierarchy for people who get laughs for things that aren't funny is now:

1) Priests. They can say anything and it kills. It's infuriating. Because I know I would bomb in a church.

2) Women on first dates. No explanation needed.

3) Poets.

But... between poets, the host said, "Just so you know, a portion of the bar sales tonight will benefit a charity called Help-a-Ho." People laughed. But it wasn't a joke. "No, it's a real charity. And we're helping a specific ho. Her name is Sandy. She's an aspiring writer. And she needs a laptop. If you buy enough drinks, we can make that happen." I swear to God that happened. They were raising money to buy a lap-top for a whore. That can't be the main thing a whore needs. How about a notebook and some penicillin? A doctor's appointment? Maybe an out from the prostitution game? Jared Logan had a great point: It's going to get stolen immediately. Great point, Jared. "Yeah, I would like to report a theft. Someone stole my laptop from my residence at No Fixed Address." How about sending her to a job-training seminar? I can't understand why notebooks won't cut it. I bet it's an excuse she's been making. People always do that: "I'm going to write my novel as soon as I get a new computer." No you aren't. In the immortal words of the RZA: "You a ho. You always been a ho. And when I leave you, you're still gonna be a ho." Actually, another RZA line from the same song, just for the hell of it, "Talking about you want to be a nurse... Bitch, to be a nurse, you gotta go to school first." Enough about that ho, and onto another...

A former whore was doing a poem. She a different ho. We know this because her notes were printed out. She already has a lap-top. Another Help-a-Ho success story! It was a "poem" about turning a trick. Poem is in quotation marks, because she was really just telling a story. There was no structure. I think if you just tell a story and sound angry, people will think it's a poem. She had slept with 12,000 men. During the angry-story-poem, there was a video accompaniment behind her. It started with her in a hotel room, swimming in 12,000 condoms. Not fun to watch, but not repulsive. But... oh, there she goes putting syringes in her vagina again! Pretty gross, but curiosity will keep you in the room for 10 seconds. Oh no, she's putting medicine bottles in her ass now. Geez, how many times does she need to be told that you have to take the medicine out of the bottle first. That's why some bitches need a pimp to tell them what to think.

Disturbing? Yes. But after it was a great comedy show. If you're in NYC, you should come to the next one on October 12th.

On the way home from the show, my roommate, and Caligula's Grotto co-host, Alan, broke five minutes of silence with, "Did I tell you I got a new prison bitch? Her name is stickers." That was it.

That's How They Afford All Those Pinkie Rings

2010-09-13T09:50:00.003-04:00

First order of business: Sean Gabbert and I are running our first installment of Free Healthcare, our new show at Bowery Poetry Club (NYC) this Wednesday at 10pm. $5 gets you a show featuring Anthony Jeselnik (Comedy Central Presents), Jared Logan (Comedy Central's Live at Gotham), Vince Averill (Live at Gotham), Sean (XM), and myself (SNL contributor, BBC, this blog). We also have a 95% confirmation from a big name. I can't announce it yet though.

Okay, that's out of the way. I live in Hoboken, NJ. It was made famous for being the birthplace of baseball and Frank Sinatra. It's now even more famous for being the home of Carlo's Bakery, the subject of TLC's Cake Boss. TLC stands for The Learning Channel. What exactly are we learning again? That if you set your mind to it, you can make a cake that looks like a pool table?

If you have seen that show, you will have no problem believing that there's a heavy mob presence in Hoboken. It's significant. I know where the hangouts are and everything. I live less than four blocks from two of them. They don't mess with anyone though and there is pretty much no crime whatsoever. Nevertheless, they're here. This is all background info.

Over the weekend was the annual Hoboken Italian Festival. It's just a street carnival which stretches about four blocks. Lots of food, carnival games, a few rides, and corny cover bands. But I never thought about who was running the festival or who was making money from it. I assumed it was the city itself. Then we saw a giant statue of the Virgin Mary in a tent. People were walking in, making the sign of the cross and taping dollar bills to her. It was weird. I had never seen anyone pay a statue for anything before. People don't even tape money to David. The Mary statue thing happens in the Sopranos episode where a street festival like this one was being run by them. So we're starting to entertain the idea that the festival could be mob-run. The city, after all, can't put up a religious statue. Can it?

No more than 10 seconds after realizing this was a possibility, we got confirmation. I mentioned the vendors earlier, but I'll go more in depth. The food vendors all had uniforms, well-made signs and expensive equipment. The carnival games looked like real carnival games. The vendors who sold weird shirts and necklaces that you can only buy at street festivals were legit. They had signs and pretty elaborate set-ups. Nestled between these was proof that the festival was mob-run or mob-affiliated. There were two tables. No tent to cover them. No signs, except two signs which looked like they were stolen, which read "$25 each." Behind the tables: an old Italian guy and a young Italian guy, who both looked like they were working the table as punishment. On the tables: sheets and comforters. They were selling sheets and comforters at a street festival. As if people think, "We'll go to the festival, get some sausage and peppers, and a duvet cover." They had clearly tipped a truck the night before. I've seen the Sopranos. I know how it works. And believe it or not, it didn't look like they had sold one sheet. So these poor guys are going to have to go back to the Bada-Bing with no money and a bunch of sheets. "What you mean you couldn't sell the sheets? If you can't sell 800 thread count, what the fuck can you do?"

One of the mob headquarters was on an episode of Cake Boss, which I can assume they agreed to do to show, "Hey, mafia isn't so bad! We like cake too!" It was hilarious. The cake, which looked like a real pool table came in. All the underlings gathered around it, nervously awaiting the boss. The boss came out, wearing an 800 thread count suit. It looked like it cost $300,000. Things were tense as the boss made a lap around the cake. Then tension was released as he exclaimed, "Issa good cake!" His minions and the Cake Boss employees celebrated like they had just won a little league championship. These are my neighbors.

Helpful Advice

2010-09-03T19:34:00.001-04:00

If you're staying on the first floor of a hotel, don't walk around your room naked while the curtains are open. The people in the parking lot are real.

ASS CRASH MONSTER

2010-08-31T14:47:00.005-04:00

The title of this entry is the title of the new series by myself and Quincy Ledbetter. I co-star in it, along with Chris Fleming, Meg Cupernall, Erin Conroy, Colin Quinn, Leigh Ann Haney, and a group of kids, led by Sarah the Kid. It is going to be funny and weird. My goal is to have it cut within a month. We'll see though. It's six episodes. The positive is that we were much careful with the shoot than we were with Crucial Element, so we don't expect the dozens of issues that we had with that series. Here are a couple stills. More to come soon.

The series has hipsters galore, terrible/original hipster music, and hipster theater adaptations, which are presented with hipster arrogance and ignorance.

Put Boobie In

2010-08-23T10:52:00.002-04:00

-My friend, Erin, just got back from a 10-day vacation in Ireland and Scotland. We're very good friends, so I sent her a text yesterday which said, "Are you back yet? Are you still half-a-c*nt?"

Her response: "Yeah I'm home! And you know I'm the whole twat muthafucka."

Glad to have her home.

We also had a funny email exchange that I think you would laugh at.

Erin: Did I miss anything while I was away?

Me: You missed EVERYTHING! Ricky Martin is now gay!!!!

Erin: Ricky Martin is gay?!?!?!?! You lie. Give me proof.

Me: There's no proof. I've just never seen him with a woman.

Erin: Oh my god. You're right!

That's that.

I touched on Put_Boobie_In in my last entry. Most ignorant Twitter page in existence. Well, what are ignorant, wannabe thugs most scared of? All things gay. It appears that last night, someone hi-jacked his Twitter page and must have made his head almost collapse. I can't imagine the panic this set off. Here are the Twitters in order. They were all submitted over the course of about 5 minutes.

- i suck dick... i love dick.

-i want it in me, on me, around me, in my hand, on my face, in my mouth, on my head, on my shoulder, in my butt... in my LIFE... (Bonus points for "on my head.")

-i just love dick.

-suckin it, tastin it, lickin it, kissin it, swallowin it... anything about dick i love... whatever it is.

-#thissummer i took MAAAAD dick... it was crazy

-(Real put_boobie_in finds out) Who is on my computer!!!! They sayin all gay shit!!! If its not from uber[Twitter]. Its not me!

-im deleting all of my female followers... changin my twitter name to @gaytroylovesthepenis

-penis is the shit... to all my lesbians, yal missin out... if i was a girl, i would get dicked down every day (My favorite phrase of the night.)

-Someone goin ham on my twitter lol

-aint nobody playin on my shit... i really am gay!!!! i love niggas!!! (This one must have really made the panic set in, when he realized the other person could claim the same thing. It's the South Park doppleganger episode.)

-im bipolar forreal ! idk whether to except [sic] my homosexuality or deny it!

-blowjobs for five dollars holla at me

-no blowjobs for five dollars. get off my computerrrrr!

-whoever on my cpu gets no pussy! (That'll show 'em.)

-im so gay im going to sleep in my mans cum tonite.

-catch me at gay nite on 534

-damn... T.O. is soooooooooo sexy.

-id let him fuck... id go on the show... slap all them bitches... then blow him rite on the spot.

-my twitter name @put_boobie_in - boobie is a code word for penis

-I'M NOT TWEETIN NONE OF THIS GAY SHIT!

The end. For the next few months, he's going to start every conversation with, "I don't know if you was on Twitter or whatever, but I'm not gay. I swear. My boy was on my computer. And he don't get no kind of pussy."

Starting to Appreciate Twitter

2010-08-17T13:01:00.002-04:00

The cousin of a friend who will go unnamed has a Twitter page that is phenomenal. He posts updates about once every 30 minutes, all day long. Sometimes he gives a play-by-play of what's going down at "da club." ("Ni##as need to stop wearin jean shorts to da club.") Sometimes he explains to women what their role should be.

Favorites from past few hours:

"Just dropped 8 bones at 7-11. Ballin." This might be my favorite.

"Face down ass up." That's the way we like to...

"#notetofemales you are the most precious thing god has put on earth... please have enuff self respect to act that way." Acting that way, to him, I'm guessing would mean face down, ass up, which is of course, the most precious position god has put on earth. "Bitch, I just dropped 8 bones on you at the 7-11. Da fuck do you think you doin', all face-up, ass-down and shit?"

Blogging

2010-08-16T16:15:00.002-04:00

-Too busy for blogging over the past couple weeks. Sorry. Writing a lot, doing a lot of shows, playing Madden 11, and scoring an ass-load of goals. I'll write something good tomorrow or Wednesday.

-New website design to replace the existing awful design coming as soon as I have time to do it... probably in about a month.

-Also, my Fall schedule is filling in. It will be updated by 5pm today. More college dates coming, as well as a headlining date in Richmond, and some others on the East Coast. Possibly another West Coast week as well. Keep checking back.

Thanks.

Email exchange with Ankur

2010-08-11T15:57:00.003-04:00

I've mentioned my friend, Ankur, here before. Most recently, I told someone he was on fire, and the person thought he was literally on fire. And they had every reason to believe that.

He's in one of my fantasy football leagues. We're trying to work out a draft date. Typing on a Droid phone, this is what he wrote to the entire league.

Ankur: How many people baby make it Sunday should be the question? If its only a few then we can just Skype in.

Two minutes later...

Ankur: Meant can't not babe ducking phone.

Two minutes later...

Me: What are you trying to say?

Two minutes later...

Ankur: I have no idea.

"Meant can't not babe ducking phone"????? What could he have been going for? Read that sentence aloud. It's hard. I tried to do it last night and it took about five tries.

New Podcast is up

2010-08-03T10:00:00.003-04:00

Episode 11 is now up. Alan and I talk to musician/filmmaker/photographer/roommate, Quincy Ledbetter. It's a funny one. Good rank them. Good other topics. I also do an impression of a black Baptist preacher. Quincy said it's dead-on. Quincy is black. He would know.

Listen here, or iTunes... Caligula's Grotto.

The Great Shit Storm of 2010

2010-07-22T11:36:00.005-04:00

Before we get into the epic journey, a couple notes...

-Quincy and I are going to shoot a trailer for a movie that will never be made. We're hoping this will be finished in the next couple weeks. It's a really funny idea, so you have that to look forward to.

-I thought of a website redesign. I'll do it as soon as I have time. It's pretty simple, but I like it. The current design is horrendous. I did it in about 4 hours in 2006.

And now, the story of how it rained shit in my apartment on and off for 53 hours.

I went to sleep around 3 am on Saturday night/Sunday morning. At 6:30 AM, it sounded like it was raining in my living room. I stumbled out of my room to see water leaking through the ceiling. I woke Al up. We scrambled to put containers down to catch the water. Then it started leaking in his room. We called the emergency maintenance number. We didn't know what else to do. Even if you ask Google what do do when it's raining shit, Google just says, "Dude, that sucks. I don't even know." We weren't able to catch everything and it was clear that it was sewer water. Although at this point it looked more like piss than shit, which makes sense for 6:30 AM.

The super cut the water off in the building. After about 30 minutes, the leak stopped. He said a plumber would come by on Monday. "Um, that's tomorrow." Right. "But shit was just leaking into our apartment." What had happened was clear. The owners of the building have deals with certain plumbers. Those plumbers didn't want to work on Sunday, or the building didn't want to pay them the emergency rate. We were stuck, but assured that it wouldn't happen again. And just in case it did, we were left with six buckets. Perfect.

It happened again at 7 PM Sunday night. Same response from the building.

On Monday, the plumber came by. He didn't snake any pipes or even look in pipes. He just flushed a couple toilets, said "There doesn't appear to be a back-up," and left as if we made up the whole shit coming through the ceiling thing.

After being reassured, we had no choice but the try to feel at ease.

Monday night, I invited a friend over to run lines for a short that I wrote and want to shoot soon. He wasn't able to make it.

Shortly after he would have arrived, at 8:30 PM, the perfect storm began. It was chaos. I was just thinking, if he did come over to run lines, at what point could he leave? Right when it starts? Would he be on the buckets at least for the first five minutes? If he helped for a few minutes and tried to leave, would I be able to say, "We started this together and we're gonna finish this together!" and make him stay? Is that illegal?

So, shit is just pouring into our living room, the hallway that connects the living room to the rest of the apartment, and Alan's bedroom. In order to cross from the living room to the rest of the apartment, we had to cross through a sheet of pouring shit.

I should clarify. The shit coming through the ceiling looks like diarrhea, not turds. I don't know which is worse. Diarrhea spreads and actually gets you wet. However, at least it's diluted. Turds can be dodged, but who wants a bunch of turds in their living room floor. I think the answer is if it's one dose of shit, a turd is better. If it's continuous, diarrhea is the way to go. What am I talking about?

It was pouring down at an alarming rate. We had to empty each 5-gallon bucket about once per 20 minutes. All the managegement did to help was to give us a mop and mop bucket. They also said a plumber would come the next day. Oh, and I forgot... they said one more thing: "Good night." This was at about 9:30 PM. It had been pouring in for an hour. We were just told that we would have to deal with it throughout the night. They didn't turn the water off in the building or anything.

It was coming down pretty hard until it slowed around 2 AM. At this time, we were able to let the buckets do all of the work. I took a shower, read until 3 or 3:30 AM, then went to sleep. I thought it was manageable. Nope.

At 5:30 AM, the Normandy Shit Invasion began. See video:

Alan and I were scrambling to try to catch it all. We needed at least 10 more buckets though. We called maintenance again. By the way, don't think we were nice about this, and that's why they didn't take care of it sooner. They didn't take care of it because the building management wasn't taking our calls. All we had as a resource was the super who could do nothing but give us more buckets. He gave us several more. They still weren't catching more than 70% of the water. Two rooms were flooded. We were being rained on. We had to empty each of the 10 or so buckets about every 5 minutes. So it was like 10 water hoses pouring into the place. They cut off the water supply to the building, but the water still didn't slow for a few hours. Once it slowed to a manageable rate, there was no water, and we couldn't shower. Alan and I just sat there, caked in shit. Alan said it felt like a funeral. We were sitting in disturbed silence, except for every couple minutes when one of us said, "I can't believe this happened."

About two hours later, the clog was found and fixed. It would have been really easy for them to fix on Sunday when the leak began, but they couldn't be bothered.

As things stand now, my apartment is extremely disinfected. We weren't messing around when it came to cleaning, obviously. The only thing is that we have drop-ceilings. We removed the bad tiles that didn't crash to the floor from the storm. So it's a bare ceiling which is giving off a pungent, musty odor. It doesn't smell like sewage though. It smells more like a room of wet towels. But they remedied that this morning with an odor-blocking spray, which smells like aerosol paint. So now the apartment smells like paint. It's less of an odor-blocker than it is an odor-replacer.

We made our demands for compensation: replacement of damaged property, plus three months of rent. Still waiting to hear back. If they don't meet our criteria for acceptable compensation, we will go to the housing authority, get the story in the local paper, and I will mention the company's name in this blog, so it comes up in Google searches.

In closing, I would like to give myself a round of applause for writing this without once resorting to a pun about the circumstances being shitty.

Not Literally

2010-07-19T12:12:00.003-04:00

-I've documented a few stories about my friend, Ankur, here. He's done such things as: 1) Jumping out of windows, repeatedly. 2) Stating that, "Everybody kills someone before they die." That's my favorite. 3) Ordering strawberry cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory, while severely drunk at 9pm. When it arrived, he announced, "I'm gonna eat this off [his girlfriend's] pussy." The families sat around us were horrified. We threw money on the table and rushed out of the place. This was in college, by the way. He's much more contained now. 4) Spend almost a year in jail for doing stupid things that hurt no one, while drunk.

I was at his place over the weekend, and he was in top form. My favorite part of the night was when I asked him a simple question. Yes or no would have done the trick. Instead, he launched into a 5 minute story, which no one understood. Half of the sounds weren't actual words. And the sounds that were words didn't come in the form of sentences. Eventually he realized that he wasn't making sense, so he said, "Okay, I fucked this up. But it was MY decision." As if the story was a bit of art that he decided to go abstract with. All I needed was a yes or no.

After this happened, I sent my girlfriend a text that said, "You should see this. Ankur is on fire." Her response, "That's no good. Is he okay?" The funny part about her response is that it's actually logical to assume that he could be on fire. I do have a video of him trying to cauterize a scrape on his arm with his lighter. A scrape, not an open wound. A scrape.

Things That Women and Kids Love

2010-07-15T15:10:00.004-04:00

-I have recently discovered a new blog that is much better than this one. David Thorne, an Australian, runs a site that is so funny I'm in the process of reading every entry. Here is the one that caught my attention. At first, I thought that while funny, he was scripting both sides of the emails. But after reading more entries, it's clear that they're all real. If I ever have my own TV show, I will beg this guy to write for it.

-There are three things I stopped caring about when I was about 15. At the exact same time, I stopped caring about all three. Which makes me think that in some way, they are the same thing. A couple years ago, I realized that for the most-part, the only people who like these things are women and children. The things are 1)Birthdays, 2)Fireworks, and 3)Roller-coasters.

I can't even rank them in order, because all three are equally unappealing, although I do understand why other people like them. Here's my reasoning for each:

Birthdays - I think the last time I had an official birthday party was when I was 13. I was given the birds and bees talk while we were having cake. My mom and step-dad often try their hardest to embarrass me and my brothers. I think this may have been the worst. We had only recently moved to the area, and several of my new friends were at the house. My mom and step-dad locked eyes, as if, "It's time. Do the talk." Then he said, "Um, Ryan... You're carrying a loaded gun. Watch where you point it... And, um, keep the safety on... Good cake, huh?" Very awkward. Although I can't say my friends and I understood the metaphor at the time. We just thought he planted a gun in my room. That was the last time I had a birthday party.

I don't like events that revolve around me. The only exception is comedy shows. But I tend to hide after shows, because I feel a little uncomfortable when people tell me they liked the show. It's like I don't have self-confidence and don't want anything to do with it.

I only have one guy friend who makes sure he has a birthday party every year. He usually organizes them himself. My thing is, if you want to go tubing, let's go tubing. We don't have to sync it up to your parents' old sex schedule.

My 30th birthday is coming up in a few months. If someone throws me a party, fine, but I wouldn't dwell on it. I'd prefer that people pitch in and send me on a vacation to Tahiti or something (Hint).

For most kids, this is the best day of the year. They get presents, cake and hang out with friends. For women, it's the best and worst day of the year. It's the best because they always have some sort of outing planned in which they get dressed up, eat at a place that only sells Mexican chocolate or something, and use the excuse of, "You only turn __ once," when downing each shot. But it's also the worst day of the year, because of the concern with adding a year to their age. Every year is a milestone year for most women under 40. I think that between the ages of 14 and infinity, every woman says, "I'm so old," on their birthday. I've never heard a guy care about his age.

Also the idea of, "Hey, let's go out and celebrate me," seems a little cock-ish to me. This stems from coming from a huge family, where instead of being led to think I'm special, the mentality is more like, "What makes you think you're special?"

Fireworks - Don't get me wrong. Colors and explosions are cool. I go to this NASA site to look at nebulae almost every day (Your thought: "Loser.") I would just like to see fireworks shows shortened, or for targets to be added. After about three minutes, I always think, "Oh, I get it. Colors go up in the air, then come down. Okay. Pretty good. How much longer? 30 minutes. Good." If they were shooting them at blimps or hang-gliders, I would watch every fireworks display on the east coast.

Roller-coasters - Roller-coasters are almost the exact same thing as fireworks. If you're a guy, when was the last time you went to Six-Flags with a group of guys? High-school, right? You pay $60. You spend $6 on Dippin' Dots (Rory Scovel has a great joke about this. Link to the right.), which they claim is the ice cream of the future. When in the future? You've been saying that for 15 years. Is there a 200 year plan or something? Then you wait in line for an hour to ride for three minutes. Just go to Ben and Jerry's and go for a drive with your windows down. Same thing.

Last weekend, my roommates and I were at another friend's house. At one point, he got excited and asked, "Do you guys want to go to Six Flags? Just the three of us. They have the safari. Oh, and the water park is great!" We looked at him like he just offered us human brain. Think of that. Four 30-year-old men at a water park, surrounded by kids.

I can understand why people like all three of these things. But what it boils down to, I think, is all three are forms of organized fun. Most guys have fun spontaneously. Most women plan their fun. Andy Kline (link to the right) has a great take on this.

-Yesterday, as I was walking home from the place where I do my daily writing, a woman stopped her car in the middle of the street to ask the guy next to me for directions. The first problem was that the light was green and about 10 cars were behind her beeping their horns. Problem number two was that she didn't roll down her window. She tried to yell through the window to a guy wearing a Mets shirt. Mets fans background: My roommate, Al, is a huge Mets fan. He watches almost every game. But he says that he assumes all Mets fans must have some sort of psychological disorder, and probably don't know how to bathe themselves. This guy was clean, and smelled wonderful. But he was gruff. She yelled through the window, but no sound got through, as it was made of glass. So each time, he yelled back, "How the fuck do you think I can hear you?" Then more dampened questions about directions... "What the fuck? I can't fucking hear you. Put the window down." She couldn't figure out how to. She had just bought the car. It had 60-day tags on it. She was all over the buttons, but couldn't get the window down. "Unlock the fucking door then," he politely suggested. I read her lips, desperately exclaiming, "But I don't know how!" He tried to open the door. It was locked. The woman panicked then drove through the light, which had been red for about 15 seconds. Then he turned to me and said, "How the fuck am I supposed to give directions with her window up?" I didn't want to be more than a spectator in this, but I had no choice but to reply, "Yeah, what the fuck?" Judging by his facial expression, I said what I was supposed to say. So if any of you needs someone to work at your shipyard, I know the lingo.

-I subscribe to an email blast from an extremely crazy right-wing group. I think of it as opposition research. I always like to know what the extreme crazies are thinking on both sides. These guys aren't like Hannity or Rush Limbaugh. This organization would accuse both of them of being communists. The main reason I signed up was because they promised to send me a card with my name, and "I'm proud to be a right-wing extremist."

Their positions, as stated on the card:

*The right to bear arms is guaranteed by the Second Amendment to the Constitution. How obvious was that as their first tenet.

*Killing unborn babies is morally wrong. This is the most popular right-wing misunderstanding. They think that being pro-choice has nothing to do with individual liberty and everything to do with people thinking that abortion is morally awesome. They think that people get abortions, then go to abortion parties where everyone high-fives all night.

*Lower taxes are better than higher taxes. I think this line was one of President Camacho's campaign promises in Idiocracy.

*Interpreting the Bible literally is not a crime. No, not a crime. But it is ill-advised.

As you can see, it's a very principled organization. They have strong beliefs and they clearly understand the nuance of policy. Which is why I received an email from them entitled, "Kagan Played Doctor and Babies Died." I don't know what actually happened, but I have my doubts that a Supreme Court nominee walked into a hospital and said, "Oh shit, let me try something." Then a bunch of babies died.

And finally...

-This week's Racism Roll-Call. Three high-profile people/organizations were accused of being racist. I will give the verdicts.

1) The NAACP said that the Tea-Party people are "too tolerant of racism." The Tea-Party said something about, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle... African-American. You almost tricked me." Let's be honest here. The group is 98% white. Some are racist. The people in charge don't want racist people speaking at their gatherings, although they would love to have their votes, and don't reject people from their little rallies. Therefore, tolerant of racists. Verdict: NAACP wins.

2) Mel Gibson is recorded on a tape, where for about 20 minutes he sounds like a super-villain. He threatens his ex with violence about every three seconds, and generally sounds like the craziest person ever caught on tape. At one point, he uses a racial slur, and it rolls off his tongue, like he uses it as often as he uses salt. But simply calling him a racist doesn't do justice to the rest of the tapes. That would be like charging the Manson Family with Breaking and Entering. Let's focus on the real problem.

There is one moment of comic-relief in the Mel Gibson tape. While growling about how much he hates the way she looks, he calms down for 2.5 seconds and calmly states: "Look, I'm just giving you an appraisal." Like she's a house or something. Who says that? I wish that was an acceptable way to insult people. "Your nose looks stupid. Hey, calm down. I'm just giving you an appraisal."

3) Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, called LeBron "narcissistic" and every synonym for narcissistic in an angry statement made to Cavs fans about the way LeBron chose to let the world know how he was leaving his hometown. That's obviously racist, right? KKK-type stuff if you ask me. Please, someone call him out on it. Oh, Jesse Jackson, there you are. Thank God. What do you have?

Jesse Jackson: Something about Gilbert having a slave-owner's mentality and LeBron not being Gilbert's slave, despite the fact that Gilbert thinks LeBron is his slave (A very well-paid slave, who was an unrestricted free-agent. You know, like slaves were every four years when their contracts ran out.).

Jesse Jackson once ran for president

Verdict: Hide all microphones from Jesse Jackson.

-Three of my younger brothers are churchy. They're Catholic. I'm pretty sure that one of them doesn't buy into it. He was recently confirmed. I asked who his confirmation saint was, and he said, "Saint Valentine." Why? Then doing a Billy-Dee Williams impression, he said, "The ladies." He was 13 at the time. So I'm not sure that he takes it very seriously. One would probably be up for fighting in the crusades, because he's been brainwashed by his Catholic school. The other doesn't know what to believe yet.

Last weekend, I was in VA for my nephew's baptism/Christening/whatever I'm supposed to call it. He's 7-months old, so I think he's ready to make that commitment. The day before the Christening, I tickled him and he burped and shit at the same time. I think that was the spirit saying, "I'm here," and my nephew saying, "Put some water on my head."

When my niece, his sister, was Christened, it was easy. It was a private ceremony. Five minutes max. It was like a car wash. This time, it was an entire service. Over an hour. My dad and I must have said, "Jesus Christ, when is this over?" five times each.

On the way home, my Sign Me Up for the Crusades brother took issue with the fact that the celebrant (I don't know the words I'm supposed to use) was a woman. I explained that the church was Episcopalian, and only the Vatican thinks that women shouldn't be allowed to pass out wafers and collect money. The Vatican actually made a statement about it yesterday. Apparently, if a woman was allowed to celebrate mass, that would be as bad as child rape (according to the Vatican). Yikes!

Brent, my biological brother, said something to Crusades about how if they allowed women to be priests, far fewer of his friends would get bad-touched. Crusades buys everything the church says, and swears the bad-touch has been fabricated by the media. My youngest brother didn't know anything about pedophile priests. So we told him, and said, "You know Father _____?"

"Yes."

"Definitely a child molester."

"No way."

"Definitely. 100%."

"He can't be. The Bishop just transferred him and he got a promotion."

"That's how it works."

Then he went deep into thought.

New Caligula's Grotto Podcast is up

2010-07-13T16:41:00.002-04:00

Episode 10, with Tony Graczyk is up now. Listen here, or via iTunes, by searching for Caligula's Grotto. You can subscribe while you're there.

We talk about Hellen Mirren. We make Tony play Defend Yourself. We play Rank Them. The show opens with Alan doing an a capella version of Cecilia. What else could you want?

Sleep Study

2010-07-07T12:48:00.008-04:00

Sorry for the long absence from the blog. My time has been preoccupied by three things. 1) Watching every second of every World Cup game. Of the 61 games played, I've seen all but two halves. 2) I spent two weeks working on a sketch packet to submit to SNL for a staff position. I wrote around 15 sketches, then picked my Fav 5 (presented by T-Mobile). 3) I've been playing a lot of soccer in an effort to remain better than my 15-year-old brother who was one step away from making the youth national team a few months ago. I think I can stay better than him for about one more year. If he makes the national team next spring, there's no shame in not being as good as him. In case you didn't notice, I'm an overly-competitive asshole. If you read old blogs, you'll see that I once got my basketball team to press at the end of a game when we were up by 40. I also once insisted on staying in a soccer game that we were leading 5-0 at half-time. I had 4 goals at the time and wanted to go for 10. In the end, I had 6 goals and 4 assists. It's not just me though. My whole family is like this. I've seen one of my brothers slide-tackle his own daughter. Now you know. Remember that. But off the field/court, we're all really nice.

And now... THE BLOG.

-I've been looking for Summer job for a few months, as a result of 1) Having a slow Spring and Summer, and 2) Buying a new car, nice drum-set, and nice guitar in the past year. I was having no luck at all finding work.

-My roommate, Al, was temping for a medical research company, recruiting volunteers for a sleep study. When he got home after his first day, he asked if I would be willing to stay up for 28 hours for $850. Yes. Of course. Who wouldn't. Once, in college, I was up for three straight days, shooting a video, which not only was I not paid to shoot, but I paid to shoot it nyself. So, yes. I will stay awake for 28 hours for money. Any stipulations? All he knew of was that I would have to wear a watch for 7 days which would measure light and contain an accelerometer. Then I would go to the clinic and stay up for 28 hours. It was the perfect set-up because during those 28 hours, I would be able to watch six World Cup games and Game 7 of the NBA Finals.

I had to go to a screening physical, where I received the watch. Creepy notes from the physical: A) A doctor told me that I was "fit as a fiddle," while looking at me for about two seconds too long. 2) The nurse who drew my blood told me that I "have perfect arms," (for drawing blood, I later realized) which was a little weird to hear less than 30 seconds after I handed her a cup full of my piss. I had the upper hand in that interaction.

- A week after being given the watch, I checked in to the clinic for a 53 hour stay. Night 1, I would sleep as usual. Night 2, I would stay up all night, and possibly take a pill that is already prescribed for acute sleep loss everywhere in the world except the USA. It's a medication designed for pilots, cops, doctors, and other people who work long hours. As soon as I arrived, they gave me purple scrubs, which only increased the prison feel. Being locked up, wearing purple scrubs made me feel like I was a prisoner in Sherriff Joe Arpaio's jail. After a while, I started to wonder if maybe I was an illegal immigrant (Arpaio's favorite kind of prisoner).

- About thirty minutes after being assigned to a room, a nurse, in what seemed like an arbitrary move, made me switch rooms with another guy. The new room curiously smelled of fresh farts. That lingered for about 30 minutes.

-I would soon discover that there was more to the study than staying awake. They brought me a "game." It was a box with a button. For 10 minutes, I was to press the button when the red lights appeared on the box. 10 minutes of that. Do you know how torturous that is?

-People were watching Seinfeld in the lounge. Most people watch and laugh. Not these people. They talked the whole fucking time. The gem was, in a heavy Brooklyn accent, a woman saying, "This is such a great show because they cared. The production value and everything. The lights. Look at how good the lighting is. Look at the sets. Look at the clothing that all the actors wear. They're real clothes, not props..." She went on like that for a solid 60 seconds, until I left. So, now we have the watch, purple scrubs, fart room, the "game," and annoying people. Not quite Guantanamo yet, but it's not pleasant.

- When dinner rolled around, a guy got too excited when told we could get two portions. "None of the other studies give you two dinners." That was when I knew that I wasn't like the other people participating in the study. All of the other guys participate in SERIOUS studies all over the country. Things where they're in a clinic for weeks at a time.

-Everyone wanted to watch a World Cup game but were afraid to ask the guy with the remote if we could turn it. Why were we scared? Because he was laughing hysterically at a Dairy Queen commercial. The commercial contained no jokes. It was just close-ups of ice-cream. And he was shaking with laughter. Oh, now I get it. Close-ups of ice-cream are hilarious.

- A few minutes after dinner, a nurse came up and asked if I was ready. "Ready for what?" The electrodes. "The what-trodes? Are you serious?" She was very serious. Now, I know that the major side-effect of any amphetamine is arrhythmia, so I thought it would make sense to monitor my heart. Besides, 6-8 electrodes on my chest aren't a big deal. Well, I was wrong. They didn't want to measure my heart. They wanted to measure my everything. Before reading the next sentence, guess how many electrodes were used. Guess. Most people I've told the story to have guessed around 12. Wrong. 37 electrodes, plus two nose tubes.

Not only was I wearing that garbage, but the way they applied it was awful. They had to exfoliate, then clean the skin first. My nurse, a disciple of Pol Pot, had an interesting method. She used a sea salt scrub to exfoliate. Salt isn't very gentle on the face. To counter that, she decide to rub it in with gauze, hoping that two rough things would create a double negative and they would feel like silk. But she was wrong, and science doesn't work that way. So she thought of other things she could do to make it more pleasant. Her first idea was to lean into my face, giving her more leverage. That actually made it hurt worse, believe it or not. But the best part was when she applied the gel with a tongue depressor aka popsicle stick. Could have used anything, but she chose sharp wood. Then to make sure it was rubbed in well, she used Q-Tips with wooden shafts(?). Now, anyone who has seen a Q-Tip commercial knows that the cushion is on the tip of a Q-TIP. But she decided to forgo common wisdom and attack at a 45 degree angle, giving my face yet another dose of sharp wood. I honestly thought waterboarding was next.

They put all that shit on me, then said, "Okay, now just sleep like you normally would." The conductor gel on my head made my head about 90 degrees. To counter that, they put a huge fan right on my face. Now just sleep. Come on, sleep. Pretend you're at home.

It took about 2.5 hours to almost fall asleep, and once I got to the precipice, all of a sudden my door sprang open and the lights came on. "Three electrodes fell off!!!! We need to fix them!!!" So we went through the torture again, this time for only 15 minutes, as opposed to the earlier 70 minute session. At this point, I wanted to kill this woman. No exaggeration. I wanted her dead. I couldn't even look at her. The last time I made eye-contact or spoke to her was when she decided that rubbing my face with sharp wood would be a good idea.

- When she left, I lay in bed, questioning my decision to do this. Had I known that the study was being conducted by Pol Pot's regime, I definitely wouldn't have participated. I thought I only had to stay awake. So, as I tried to sleep, I had the following thoughts:

I can't do this shit all night. I'm going to call Ms. Pot in and tell her I quit.

As a comic, I'm paid to use my mind, which is what everyone desires in a job. The alternative to being paid for your mind is to be paid for your body, meaning any sort of labor. I was beneath both of those. I was being paid for my organs. Then I had to figure out if I was more like a rat or a whore. In the end, I couldn't decide. I was more like a whore, in that I can talk, but more like a rat in that I was covered in wires.

I'm being voluntarily tortured. I've spoken to a friend about Special Forces SERE training. I was doing a white-collar version. There was no waterboarding, but there were stress positions, sleep deprivation, and starvation was right around the corner. We weren't told before-hand, but in a 28 hour span of being awake, we were only allowed to eat a bagel. Nothing else. If you take a 10 hour flight, they feed you every two hours. These fuckers gave us nothing but a bagel. During the entire 53 hour stay, we were fed nothing but starches: pasta, bagels and small sandwiches. No fruits or vegetables. That makes you feel like shit.

- I finally fell asleep. At 8 am, I was awoken by an intercom, yelling, "8am, AWAKE! AWAKE!." Then the door sprang open, just as it had a few hours ago. Lights came on. Pol Pot yelled "Awake! Open your eyes." I couldn't open my eyes. I had been sleeping and fluorescent lights were just turned on. "Open your eyes." I can't. "Open them now!" I opened them, but kept my hands over my face in an effort to not fry my retinas. So I didn't realize what she was about to do to me. She started spraying my head and face with ice cold water, and ripping off the electrodes. I wanted to kill her. Like really kill. "You have three minutes to wash your face before you have to play the game. Go wash your face!"

-I went to the bathroom to see what they had done to me. Because of the white gel all over my face and head, I looked like I had just hosted a Bukkake Party and all the guests had great aim. It was disgusting. I put my entire face in the sink and scrubbed like it was my job. It sort of was. Dairy Queen was in the bathroom too. All he did was piss and wash his hands. He kept the Bukkake Party on his face and head until 4pm.

- Once I got a shower, things were slightly better. But that would come to an end in the afternoon when a nurse asked if I was ready for the night. Yeah, I'm ready. Game 7 of the NBA Finals. World Cup in the morning. How could I not be ready? "Oh, you don't know?" Know what? It turns out, I would be re-electroded, and wear them for 23 hours, while playing The Game every hour, and are you ready... If you weren't on-board with this being White-Collar SERE training before, you will be now. In the middle of the night, I had to sit up in a bed in a dimly lit room, completely still. Not allowed to move. Blinking was discouraged. And stare at an X on a wall. I had to do this for three fucking hours. About 40 minutes in, I would have confessed to any crime. If I blinked too much, moved my arms around, or tried to stretch my legs, Big Brother would jump in on the intercom and tell me that I wasn't permitted to do what I was doing.

-The Game and other tests cause me to miss most of Game 7, the only NBA Playoff game I didn't see in its entirety this year. Also, I beat the fasting by talking a guy into giving me some almonds, and having someone sneak me an orange like it was heroin. Do you know how pathetic it feels to frantically eat an orange in a bathroom stall?

-The only positive for night two was that my nurse was very pleasant and didn't use the jizz gel on me, or scrub my face with sandpaper. She even told me that the nurse who did those things didn't have to. That was my comfort for the last 23 hours. "At least I don't look like a bunch of guys just jacked off on my head."

-Good day.

New Podcast is up

2010-06-22T14:53:00.001-04:00

Alan and I hosted Dan Goodman. Very good. Listen here, or go to iTunes and search and subscribe to Caligula's Grotto.

New Podcast

2010-06-10T22:01:00.002-04:00

I just posted a new podcast. It's Alan and I talking about the World Cup and playing Rank Them. It's good.

It will be available on iTunes by 11pm tonight.

World Cup Power Rankings

2010-06-07T17:18:00.003-04:00

This is the way I see it. I'm not just ranking their ability, but the likelihood that they will do well in the Cup.

CONTENDERS

1. Spain - Spain has been playing incredibly for three years. Spain, Brazil and Holland have the best rosters 1-23 of anyone in the cup. The only way to differentiate these three countries is by style and health. Spain has been playing the same style for a while, and they have a world-class back four and keeper.

2. Brazil - They're Brazil. They cut Ronaldinho and Pato. They're that good. They have no weakness, like Spain and Holland. However, their coach, Dunga, was a defender, and he has them playing with defender's tactics. They're sitting back and countering, which isn't how Brazil has historically played. Granted they have Kaka, the best counter-attacking mid-fielder in the world. I still think they're at a slight handicap by not playing their traditional joga bonita style.

3. Holland - Holland has been my team since I was about 7. I'm obsessive about them, and have been since the first time I saw Marco Van Basten play. But without bias, I can say that they easily have the best attack we've seen since the Dutch attack of the late 80s. This team is better than the Total Football teams of the 70s who made it to consecutive World Cup Finals. They are riding a 19 game unbeaten streak in which they have humiliated almost every opponent. Ruud Van Nistlerooy, one of the top goal-scorers of the past 15 years, didn't make the squad. That's how good they are. The attack is led by Arjen Robben, Wesley Sneijeder, Rafael Van Der Vaart and Robin Van Persie. They are four of the 10 most creative players in the world. Add Eljero Elia (young phenom), Dirk Kuyt, and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar to the mix, and the Dutch could feasibly score 4 goals per game. In their tune-up games over the past 10 days, they outscored Mexico, Ghana and Hungary 12-3.

But anyone who knows international soccer knows that Holland always implodes because they play to embarrass instead of playing to win. They'll most-likely play Brazil in the quarters. The winner of that game should meet Spain in the final.

4. Argentina - Second best attack in the tournament. But they have a weak keeper, and Maradona is an erratic coach.

5. England - Incredible roster. Best coach in the world. But they're England. They will choke.

6. Germany - Best tournament team whose name doesn't rhyme with Grazil. But they're missing their best player. Look for them to make it to the quarterfinals regardless.

VERY GOOD TEAMS WHO CAN'T WIN IT ALL

7. France - They have the biggest gap between players' ability and their coach's ability. Their coach is terrible, but with their roster, who knows?

8. Ivory Coast - Best African team ever. Look for them to beat Portugal and come out of their group with Brazil. If Drogba is healthy and aggressive, they can cause some damage. I actually wouldn't be surprised if they beat Brazil in the first round.

9. Uruguay - Best Uruguay team since 1950, I think. They might make the quarters.

10. Portugal - Portugal is the worst of the top teams. Their FIFA Ranking is 4 right now, but the way they're playing this year is pathetic. Out in the first round for the second of the last three World Cups.

GOOD TEAMS WHO CAN MAKE THE QUARTERFINALS IF THEY ARE LUCKY

11. USA - If they keep Donovan and Dempsey involved, they will do well. They could shock England in the opener. A shock would constitute a tie. But I don't even see that happening. However, USA has been playing like a top 5 team over the past week. If they keep that up, they have a chance if they beat Germany in the second round (if USA is 2nd in their group, and Germany wins theirs, this will be the match-up). Most-likely, it will be 2-1, Germany.

12. Mexico - Mexico is a great possession team. They just beat Italy. But they have games where they can't score no matter what.

13. Ghana - Missing their best player, Michael Essien, gives them an uphill battle. Nevertheless, they could get lucky.

14. Italy -Talented, but old and under-performing team. I expect them to make the quarters because Italy always tightens their defense in the World Cup. But I also wouldn't be surprised if they lose in the second round.

15, Paraguay - They have a few top-notch players, but I don't see them making much of a dent.

TEAMS THAT SHOULD BE HAPPY IF THEY MAKE IT OUT OF THE FIRST ROUND

16. Australia - Pretty good team, in a really tough group. They're like a B-England.

17. South Korea - Nothing special, other than Park.

18. Chile - Overrated because of qualifying. Not actually the second best team in South America, no matter what anyone tells you.

19. Greece - Pretty good defense. That's about it.

20. Denmark - No one cares.

21. Nigeria - They have some really good players, and they could come out of their group. If that does happen, they'll lose in the second round no matter who they play.

22. Switzerland - Two years ago, they were equal to the USA team. USA has become much better. Switzerland has remained the same.

23. Serbia - They were the most disappointing team in 2006. Argentina embarrassed them 6-0. They should do better than that, but not much better in their tough group.

24. Japan - Nope

25. Cameroon - One man band - Samuel Eto'o.

TEAMS THAT SHOULD BE GLAD THEY MADE IT

26. Slovenia - They beat Russia in a play-in game, which was impressive. They've looked pretty decent in their tune-up games too. But, England will dismantle them and USA should dominate them.

27. Algeria - Re-read the previous entry. Substitute Egypt for Russia.

28. New Zealand - Weak.

29. Honduras - Costa Ricans will watch their games and think of the reasons they're better than Honduras. At soccer.

30. South Africa - I'm putting them ahead of Slovakia because they're the hosts. They will be the first hosts to be eliminated in the first round though. Steven Piennar is their sole bright spot.

31. Slovakia - Not. A. Good. Team.

32. North Korea - I feel bad for this team. Their group includes Brazil, Portugal and the Ivory Coast. It's been dubbed The Group of Death. If North Korea loses every game by 4, which I fear they will, it might literally be the group of death.

What???

2010-06-04T19:53:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I abbreviate joke/sketch ideas in my phone. I just came across the most confusing one ever. I have no idea of what this could mean.

"Shirt together : blowin, bavar-dage, look in on, chum."

Any ideas?

Fixed

2010-06-04T16:00:00.001-04:00

Episode 1 is back up, and has a short introduction.

Episode 1 Problem

2010-06-04T15:39:00.000-04:00

My apologies if you're trying to watch Crucial Element Episode 1. We made a small change to it, and I'm having trouble getting browsers to load it. Give me a little time, and it should be back up. Thanks.

Bebsi Nicks

2010-06-03T12:41:00.004-04:00

I'm getting reports from a friend who is a Green Beret in Iraq.

Highlights:

-They're training Iraqi security forces. He said most people have come around and see the change in their country as a good thing. But some are still, understandably, resistant. For example, this exchange with a tribal sheik, in Arabic.

Tribal Sheik: "You can't tell us what to do. Your country is only 200 years old.

Green Beret: "Yeah, but you wipe your ass with your hand."

That convinced the sheik to listen. A few minutes later, my friend gave him a Otis Spunkemeyer muffin, then turned to talk to one of the sheik's friends. When he turned back, the sheik was eating the muffin, without removing the wrapper. And he couldn't tell him, because it would be disrespectful to correct him. So the whole unit had to sit there and watch a guy eat, and enjoy, a muffin wrapped in cellophane. All while not laughing.

-You know those powdered drink mixes? Yeah, those. Like Crystal Light and stuff like that. A guy came up to him today and said, "Bebsi Nicks? Bebsi?" That's not Arabic. They don't have Ps and can't say "mix." It's Pepsi Mix. My friend was skeptical. How could there be a Pepsi powder? He put it in his water, and sure enough: Pepsi. He said it was awesome. I told him to bring some home. A few minutes ago, I remembered that we already have actual Pepsi and I don't even like that. Not sure what I would have done with the mix.

-His unit listened to the Crucial Element EP, AutoPoon, and they all loved it. How about this quote: "Shawty Lo almost made a guy shoot strawberry milk out of his nose when the first chorus came on."

1) That's some gangsta music when it can physically affect someone who was tortured as part of his training.

2) Our military's finest drinks strawberry milk. The next time someone calls me a "fag" for ordering chocolate milk, this will be brought up.

Crucial Element EP Now Available

2010-06-02T16:34:00.002-04:00

This is the EP we recorded last year. For some reason, we never did anything with it. Until now...

It's 5 tracks. The EP is entitled AutoPoon. The tracks are:

1. The Federal Ball-Out - A song that was clearly written a year and a half ago, but still funny.

2. Shawty Lo - Our ode to midget ladies.

3. Slot Bottom Drop - Our attempt to create the new dance craze.

4. I Don't Give a FUCK - Sample lyric: "I'll fuck a bitch up in the club." Enough said.

5. Crucial I-land (Imagine) - Easily the best Crucial Element song.

Enjoy.

Download it for free here.

Or go to the CE page, where you can check out the series and download the album.

Bike Stuff

2010-05-26T13:41:00.002-04:00

-My bike has been at the forefront of my life over the past two days. Monday night, someone tried to steal it, in one of the nicest parts of NYC, right under a street light on a busy street. I lock it with a cable that locks the front wheel to the frame, and a U-lock to secure the frame to something. They cut the cable, and there are paint marks on the U-lock, from where they tried to break it with a pry-bar.

This affected me so much that I couldn't get to sleep until about 5am. On one hand, I was disturbed that someone would try to steal something that I worked hardish to pay for. Whenever someone steals something from me, I feel violated. I can't understand how anyone could steal something, anything, and live with themselves. On the other hand, I felt validated because someone wanted my bike. It's kind of a stripper mentality of, "I don't want to sleep with you, but I like knowing that you want to sleep with me." That's the relationship my bike shares with the world. It likes to know that other people want to ride it.

It's even more satisfying that someone wanted to steal it because it's been junked up on purpose, so as not to look tempting to thieves. Most of the frame is covered in black tape, and all the brand names on the components are covered so people can't see what model the bike is. My bike is kind of like a nerdy girl in a movie. I put glasses and a bun on a really hot bike. Anyone who is paying attention, knows that the nerd is going to be the hot one at the end of the movie.

-Last night, as I was unlocking my bike to ride home, my bike was a little down because it wasn't sure if a lot of people wanted to steal it, or if it was just that one guy. Then, a guy a few feet from me said to his friend, "Whoa, that's a nice-ass bike. Edelbrock shocks on a bike!?!?" It was a "He went to Jared" moment for my bike. "He went to Edelbrock!" It didn't actually say that, but it gestured to me, "Let's go home, take off these glasses and let down my hair. It's still technically prom-night."

-I almost got hit by someone driving a BMW this morning. At that point, I realized that every time I've almost been hit by a car, it's has either been a BMW or a cop. No Subaru has even tried to pass me. I don't know what to make of this.

2007 WAS Crazy

2010-05-25T15:28:00.000-04:00

I just watched this sketch we did at a Poonanza a few years ago for the first time in a while It's really funny.

Overdue Post

2010-05-24T12:51:00.002-04:00

-New Podcast coming soon... maybe...

-My good friend, Billy, just sent me a video of his 3-year-old daughter singing Crucial Element's "We Don't Need No Skool."

Coachability is the most underrated quality a kid can have. Everyone is always talking about length and upside. Coachability is where it's at.

Two weeks ago, she called her dad a "hooligan." She's in the running for kid of the year.

-I heard a NY Port Authority cop - these are people responsible for securing the port - say something really dumb. I'm not saying that cops should have English degrees, but, okay, here's what he said:

"He told me it's 600 hp. 600? Talk about an oxymoron. You can't even use 600 hp."

I guess he meant that 600 hp is unnecessary. I don't know what he thought an oxymoron is, but it seems like he picked a random word and threw it in there, hoping he would sound smart. He could have just as easily said:

"He told me it's 600 hp. 600? Talk about a gyroscope. You can't use 600 hp."

"Tell me about it. Now let's get people safetied."

- LOST finale was BOSS.

-There was a domestic dispute in my building, Saturday night around 3AM. It involved a douchebag 'roid-raging at his girlfriend who likes him because (according to Sean Gabbert, "Um, I like tall guys. Like tall, and like, like dark hair. Italian too. Money. I like money too." He was growl-yelling at her for about 2 straight minutes, then he yelled, "SORRY NEIGHBORS," and continued to yell. Luckily, I heard the whole thing. Apparently she "always fucks things up." And apparently she doesn't like it when he yells.

I should point out that this fuck-face also blasts techno music that rattles my apartment for about 2 hours per day/middle of the night.

If I see the girl alone in the hallway, it's intervention time. "There are other options. You don't have to stay in the techno-dome." I'll make her think it's about the techno, but I'll be scanning her arms for bruises. If she defends them by saying, "I'm so clumsy," I'm calling the cops. The other option is to sneak up from behind her and tap her on the shoulder to see if she flinches.

-Here are some jokes I wrote for SNL a couple weeks ago. I think I'll post some of these semi-regularly throughout the summer.

*A growing number of people are complaining that their Blu-Ray players will not play the Avatar disc. Retailers have replaced the faulty discs with copies of FernGully, and no one has noticed the difference.

*This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of the FDA's approval of the birth control pill. Coinciding with the 50th anniversary of men beginning to ask, "That mean I don't have to wear a condom, right?"

*A teenager in Missouri took his great-grandmother to his prom to fulfill her life-long desire to attend the high school event. The boy, thankfully, remained a virgin at the end of the night.

Shows this weekend

2010-05-14T10:16:00.001-04:00

I'll be at the Arlington Cinema Drafthouse tonight and tomorrow, opening for Jeff Dye. arlingtoncinemadrafthouse.com for tickets.

Podcast Episode 7 is up!

2010-05-12T13:48:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the delay, but now Episode 7 is available.

Listen by clicking the link to play in your browser. Or go to iTunes to subscribe and listen to all of the episodes.

This show was great. Chris Fleming was our guest and he brought plenty of funny with him.

Stand-Up Good News

2010-05-12T13:42:00.003-04:00

For people who like my stand-up, I have good news.

Over the past year and a half, I hadn't written a lot of stand-up - only when something really jumped at me. The reason was that I was working on the Crucial Element series and several other writing projects, which include about 400 total pages of scripts. I swear they are good and you should find rich people to give me money for them. Anyway, I'm back to writing a lot of stand-up now. I've outlined three new independent hours. It will probably take a couple years to complete all three hours and make them good though. As of now, I've written about 30 minutes of it, and last night tried out about 20 minutes. So far, so good. I think the new stuff is as good as any of my material. So, good stuff to come. If you see me in person, expect to see a lot of new stuff.

Catching up...

2010-05-10T09:26:00.002-04:00

-I'm submitting to a bunch of college booking festivals online. On my profile page, there's a stream to Internet "buzz" about me. The problem, of course, being that such buzz does not exist. But luckily, Ryan Conner the porn-star and anal queen is very active on the Internets. The current update on the stream is:

GoogleBuzz Alert: Ryan Conner - Ass Worship

That should lock in plenty of colleges. Plenty. If you don't know about the porn-star, it sounds like it's the name of my one-man show. Excerpt: "Let us pray: Dearest, lovely ass..."

-My ladyfriend and I just spent some time in the mountains having a little vacation. That's why I've been absent from the blog for so long. Side-note: If you've ever said "stay-cation," slap yourself in the mouth.

A few highlights:

-We were playing a game. Sshe was way ahead, and said, "It's like the Tortoise and the Hare."

I said, "Yeah, but the tortoise won in the end."

"Really?" she said.

She didn't know that the tortoise beat the hare. Let's forget about the fact that "Slow and steady wins the race" is an important concept that everyone should know. Let's focus on how she didn't know this. She never finished the story. She saw that the hare was killing the tortoise, so she stopped reading because she doesn't like blow-outs or gloating. She assumed there was a book about the fact that rabbits can run faster than turtles. Like that was all there was to it. Like the book might as well have been The Elephant and the Cheetah. "I bet the cheetah wins this one." The hare got a huge lead and she probably thought, "Why did they even bother writing the book if it's not close? Where's the drama."

*Examples of other times this may have happened.

"Geez, the play just started and King Hamlet already died? The play is named after him. This is bullshit. I'm going home."

"1984? That was years ago. I already know what happened then. Olympics, Reagan's re-election and what-not."

"Danielson got beat up buy the Cobra-Kai on the beach. Why do they call him The Karate Kid if he sucks at karate? Bad title. I'm turning it off."

"I thought Footloose was about dancing, but it's clearly banned in the town! Bullshit. Hey OnDemand, how about Dances with Wolves? I want to see some dancing."

-We went mountain biking whilst in said mountains. I have a really nice racing mountain bike. But not because I race on mountains. I bought it because a guy on Craigslist was selling his son-in-law's bike for a fraction of its value. I have slick road tires on it for riding in the city, which I do almost every day. My girlfriend likes to bike, but does so rarely. We weren't expecting crazy trails. But just in case the course was rough, I brought my mountain tires. Just outside the trail, I was trying to change my tires, but the road tires were too tight to get off by hand. Just then, two New Zealanders rode by and stopped to ask us a question. I told the guys I was having trouble swapping my tires. The guys saw that I had a serious bike and must have assumed I'm a mountain-biking veteran. One responded, "Oh, you'll be fine, mate. There's not many technical aspects to this trail, I don't think. I haven't been on it yet, but it appears to be mostly grass."

That was settled. Road-slicks on the mountain. Mostly grass. Nothing technical (whatever that means). We set off down the trail. After about 50 ft, the grass disappeared and was replaced by large, jagged rocks, and tree roots. This wasn't too appealing for two reasons.

1) I don't have health insurance.

2) I get scared easily.

It was fast and downhill for about a hundred yards, at which time we came upon a mud pit. Road-slicks and mud pits don't mix, so I slammed my breaks. Then my girlfriend followed suit. But while I stopped instantly, she was thrown into the mud. It was beautiful. The ride continued for another hour, through mud, and up steep hills, with no traction. The whole time, I had the New Zealander's voice saying, "...not many technical aspects" over and over in my head.

- I've been working on writing a new joke over the past couple weeks which includes the line: "I've been told I have 'gay posture.'" It's true, but hard to describe. But you have to see two pictures that were taken last week. The worst/best one was hilarious. And I didn't do it on purpose. There's a picture of me standing straight up, my right hand on my right hip, my left arm around my girlfriend, and my right leg was... I don't know how this happened... it was bent, with only my toe on the ground, about a foot in front of my other foot. I was standing like a Miss America contestant. It was awful. When I get the picture, I'll post it. My girlfriend called the picture, "This is my friend, Ryan!"

I don't remember the pose from the other picture, because as soon as I saw it, I had a visceral reaction, looked away and said, "What am I doing with my life?"

-My ho just bought a condo. The day before we left for Mountaintown, two guys showed up to install carpet. They were perfect. One guy was in his 40s and wearing a shirt that said TNT Wrestling. He seemed like a typical guy who would install carpet. A little rough, but nice. His assistant, Chris, was awesome to watch. He was probably around 23. He was wearing a crisp Phillies World Series Champions shirt. They won it almost two years ago, but the shirt looked like it had just come out of an airtight chamber where he stores it to keep the cotton from getting corrupted by oxygen. But he didn't just wear the shirt. He had a matching Phillies hat, with a never-bent brim, with the stickers still on it. He didn't put on clothes before work. He put on an outfit. You don't get that from a lot of carpenters. I like the idea of the older guy saying, "What the hell are you wearing?" And the young guy shooting back, "Dress for success, playa. Dress for success. Don't dress for the job you have. Dress for the job you want." In his mind, if he does a few more carpet installs, the Phillies are gonna be on the phone.

New Podcast is Up

2010-04-29T11:43:00.002-04:00

I just uploaded episode 6, which features Vince Averill. It's a very funny episode. Listen by clicking here.

Or listen to all of them here.

Or subscribe on iTunes here.

I'll be back to regular blogging next week.

Matt Stone and Trey Parker

2010-04-23T14:15:00.002-04:00

South Park is one of my favorite shows ever. I've seen all but three or four of their 201 episodes. All are at least very good. You may have heard that they're receiving subtle death threats because of their last episode. Now Comedy Central has lost its balls and pulled the episode. Why was it offensive? Apparently the image of Santa Claus in a bear suit was offensive to Muslims (according to a few people), because it was suggested that maybe Muhammed was in the bear suit. Read that again. That's what happened. We weren't sure of who was in a bear suit. Turned out to be Santa. Death threats. Obviously. I know plenty of Muslims. They would probably find the episode and controversy funny. But Comedy Central and the media in general have caved to a few fringe lunatics.

Jon Stewart is the only person so far to have their backs. Check out this great clip from last night's show.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-april-22-2010/south-park-death-threats

Crucial Element Series and Podcast

2010-04-20T14:03:00.000-04:00

I'm running a little behind today, waiting for a computer to render. The series should be live by 5pm. The podcast probably won't be up until midday tomorrow though. Sorry for ruining your day.

Music

2010-04-20T10:03:00.003-04:00

I don't do this very often, but here's a piece of music you'll be glad you've been introduced to. I've been a huge Mozart fan ever since I was seven or eight. But due to him composing so much, I had never heard this until yesterday. It might be the most beautiful piece of music I have ever heard.

Mozart's Ave Verum Corpus... Enjoy.

Crucial Element Series

2010-04-19T12:14:00.001-04:00

Not only will there be another podcast available tomorrow morning, but the Crucial Element series will also be available for viewing and downloading from my website. Seven episodes. 92 minutes. Plus there will be a separate Crucial Element page on my site, designed by Crucial element.

Check back in the morning.

Podcast 4 audio

2010-04-13T14:31:00.001-04:00

My apologies for the low audio. A corrected version will be up by 5pm.

Caligula's Grotto Episode 4 is up

2010-04-13T10:18:00.002-04:00

Episode 4 of the podcast is up. You can click here to listen, or go to the iTunes store and search "Caligula's Grotto." You can subscribe there and each episode will automatically download whenever it's released.

This episode features Alicia Gomes and Sean Gabbert. We went way long in recording, so there will be a supplemental podcast released on Thursday.

Five shortish things

2010-04-12T10:51:00.004-04:00

-I hung out at my friend Ankur's place on Friday. He has a nice condo in Elizabeth, NJ. However, not all of Elizabeth is as nice. When I got to his house, I took him to the liquor store. Where I live, in Hoboken, they offer samples of good wines at Sparrow Wine and Liquor. Slightly different clientèle. At the place in Elizabeth, they had a keg with a few chilled wine bottles on top. A woman asked if we would like to sample some. I said sure, because why not? Oh, I'll tell you why not. It was nasty carbonated hobo wine. I didn't realize it until it was in my hand, and noticed that the guy next to me was a full-fledged hobo. He actually looked like he jumps trains. He was holding a wine sample cup in one hand and an open Keystone Light in the other hand, which caused Ankur to think they were giving samples of Keystone Light. I'm not sure if the wine or beer was the chaser, or if it was like double-fisting milk and chocolate syrup. This may as well have been "Wine by Kool-Aid." The only reason it didn't come in a box is because they must have been out of boxes. I drank it like a shot because I realized it was essentially Mad Dog. And college taught me that Mad Dog tastes nasty. Then the hobo said to me, "You gotta swish it around. Don't just swallow it. You don't get the taste like that." Then he looked at the employee and said, "Young folks don't know how to drink wine." Suddenly the hobo was the Paul Giamatti to my Guy from Wings. I won't call it a low-point, but a weird-point works. "Swish around the hobo wine." Think of that.

- They call The Masters "A Tradition Like No Other." Al (Caligula's Grotto co-host) wondered why. It's because it's the only time of year that I'll watch 25 hours of golf in four days. It's also the only tournament where the winner receives a jacket that would only look right at a pimp convention. It was a fun tournament to watch. I've always rooted for Tiger because I like domination. It doesn't matter what it is. I like watching people who embarrass the competition. I really don't care about his affairs because it has nothing to do with me. So I still supported him because I like the idea of him taking five months off and still winning. He lost, but came really close. The funny thing was the announcers acted like every bad shot, and every reaction to a bad shot, may have been linked to his affairs. He would shank a drive and they would say something like, "Well, Tiger has been trying to get his personal life together..." No, fuck-face. He shanked it because he hasn't played competitively in five months. He also finished fourth. That's pretty good. Another thing is his reactions to bad shots. He has always cursed after bad shots. Always. Why do they put a mic in his face? I've probably cursed after every golf shot I've ever taken, good or bad. If it's a bad shot, it's, "I fuckin' suck." If it's the occasional good shot, it's "Holy shit! Did you see that?" But now people are like, "Tiger needs to get his emotions under control. He's erratic because of his personal problems." No. His words aren't the problem, it's microphones in his face. There's a reason they rarely play game audio in basketball and football until it's cleaned up. Anyone who misses an easy play isn't going to follow it up with a smile.

And on a more serious note, of course it's Tiger's fault that he was a compulsive cheater. But, 1) I don't know why anyone other than his family cares. 2) I can't understand how his wife didn't know this was going on. It seems like she's more upset that the world knows. How would she not be suspicious if he's calling her every night he's out of town, saying things like, "Just letting you know I'm going to bed at 8. So if you call me, I'll be unavailable." Or, "For some reason I'm not getting any service here in Vegas. It's weird, I know. I'll talk to you in a few days... What? The woman in the background? Oh that's housekeeping. The sound? Oh, I think she was eating peanut butter and doesn't have anything to wash it down." I can't see how anyone would be gullible enough for this to take place for years.

- I had a pretty cool moment last. I was walking to the train with a comic friend of mine. In Union Square, in mid-conversation, he abruptly said, "I have to throw up."

I wasn't sure if he was serious, and told him he was standing next to a trash can. He turned, and about three seconds later, he was vomiting into a trashcan. I stood a few feet behind him, with a look of disbelief on my face. Just then, a woman walking perpendicular to our route, crossed. She looked at my friend, who was still throwing up, and was horrified. Then she looked at me and I gave her a Menthos shrug and smile. Without missing a beat, she returned the shrug and smile. We all kept walking. It was AWESOME.

-This is a BBC article about the death of the last living Munchkin from The Wizard of Oz. The funny part of the article is that at the beginning they call him a Munchkin because of his role in the film. Then they stick with the word and refer to all dwarfs as Munchkins. It is awesome.

-If you like science, this is the video for you. It's from last night's 60 Minutes. A two million year old fossil of one of our ancestors was unearthed in South Africa. It's 2 million years old, but looks very close to bridging the gap between us and apes.

Update on Podcast

2010-04-07T14:11:00.002-04:00

The whole series is now on iTunes and is searchable. If you missed the link in yesterday's post, that's fine. Just go to the iTunes store and search "Caligula's Grotto." Then click "Subscribe," or select the episodes you want.

We recorded episode 4 yesterday. It was really funny and informative on a couple issues. The informative topics included: Why women wear uncomfortable shoes (an explanation that makes perfect sense), and how to survive a multitude of animal attacks.

It will be published next Tuesday.

Podcast on iTunes

2010-04-06T09:32:00.002-04:00

We're having a lot of technical issues, however, episode 3 is now on iTunes. I'm not sure why the others are not, but for some reason, that's the case. I'm working on it. For now, click here and your iTunes will be redirected to the podcast page. You can subscribe there. It's free, of course.

Episode 3 is here, and other info

2010-04-05T21:21:00.006-04:00

Here is episode 3, featuring Tony Deyo.

I've been using Blogger to publish this for about 5 years, and it sucks. They just changed a lot of things which caused me to have to change my blog URL to this: http://ryanconnercomedy.blogspot.com

If you're a regular reader, I apologize for the inconvenience.

Podcast #3

2010-04-05T18:57:00.000-04:00

It's coming in the morning. Everything will be on iTunes as well. Stay tuned for links.

These Words Need to Go

2010-03-31T01:03:00.005-04:00

Al (podcast co-host) and I began saying "swagger" in early 2005. It was a word we used to describe what the Pope lacked. The gist of it was, "I'm not religious, but I might be able to get behind a Pope who had some swagger." Like if he walked into a church with a Michael Jordanesque strut, nodded to a nun in the front, then gave the single-finger gun point to a bishop standing off to the side. Then he could say something like, "It's hot as shit outside. Can I get an amen?" That was five years ago. A lot of things have changed. Now a lack of swagger is the least of the Pope's concerns.

After about three years of swagger being our go-to je ne sais quoi word, the entire hip-hop community hijacked it and changed it's meaning to "I wear sunglasses at night, and I'm an all-around asshole." Since then, we've reverted to "grit." Use it. But don't overuse it. Twice a month, max. That's what this blog is about. Overused words and phrases that need to go.

Words to Eliminate

Fuck my life

Snooki-Snickers-Snicks-Snooker(Jersey Shore) introduced me to this one. I thought it was something that only she said. But in a moment where I felt like an irrelevant, aloof, elder, I found out that all "the kids" are saying it. I heard this one little asshole say to his little asshole friend, "The movie doesn't start for another 20 minutes? Fuck my life." Which made me want to fuck up his life. You're twelve years old, hanging out in a movie theater without supervision and you're complaining that you don't have an extra 20 minutes. What, do you need to be spending that time on ChatRoullette watching dudes jerk off, or do you need to try to break your record on Rock Band? Fuck your life.

Rein in

This one drives me crazy. It's a Palinism that has been picked up by almost every populist politician. "We need to rein in spending/government/et cetera." It means nothing. It's a verbal tick, like people saying, "...and such" at the end of thoughts. Essentially, it's their way of saying "This bad! Me no like!" And it's only slightly more articulate.

Gin up

This one is strictly political too. You don't hear politicians say it though. It's usually the pundits who don't know what they're talking about. "So and so is ginning up support for..." At one point in 2008, I think I heard it 30 times a day. If you watch cable news, you'll still hear it at least twice per hour.

Swagger

See above.

Douche

This is one I will reluctantly disown and eventually come back to. It's a great word. Sometimes there's no way to describe someone other than, "He's a fucking douche." But now even the douches are saying it. It's like they're taking the word back. What's next? Are they going to have a funeral for the word? When this happens, you have to abandon ship and hope Lil Wayne invents some new slang from his prison cell that the douches can latch on to.

Epic

This one bugs the shit out of me because it's never used correctly. Much like when something happens, and someone immediately says, "Classic." It's not classic. It's contemporary. It just happened. There are hundreds of words you could have used other than classic.

As far as I know, FailBlog, started the epic trend. FailBlog is great, and they don't overuse it when describing an Epic Fail. But... now I'm hearing people say shit like, "Dude, have you been to Crumbs? Their strawberry cupcake is epic." No. It. Is. Not. It's a cupcake. It's just good. The White Album is epic. Guernica is epic. David is epic. Ulysses is epic. A cupcake is a lump of flour and sugar.

Blasts/Rips/Slams

The Daily Show covered this very well. Every partisan news site or blog describes every disagreement as someone getting blasted, ripped or slammed. The headline will be "Corker RIPS Senate Financial Reform Bill." Then you read the article and it will say, "Bob Corker (R-TN) said, "I don't support the proposal in its current state." Way to bend that Bill over the table and rip it a new one, Corker.

Podcast #3 has been recorded

2010-03-30T14:43:00.003-04:00

We just recorded #3 with guest Tony Deyo. I spent most of the hour in the Defend Yourself seat. Listen to #2 to find out what decision I was defending. Anyway, we're getting much better at the process, and each episode is better than the previous one. It's no reflection of the guests, but a matter of me knowing what I'm doing. Thanks for reading and listening.

Podcast #2 is here for your listening pleasure.

2010-03-30T10:25:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone. I met the self-imposed deadline of today.

LISTEN HERE.

Still not iTunes-ready, but should be soon. Sorry about that inconvenience. I know it's annoying to listen to audio at your computer for an hour. So you can download it by right-clicking and put it on your iPod. Whatever you want. Look, I'm not making you do anything. Relax, friend.

Also, the audio levels are good on this one. They were low on the first one because I forgot to normalize it.

This episode has another Defend Yourself with Quincy Ledbetter. The guests are Erin Conroy and Frank Hong. Nothing against anyone else, but you are in for a treat every time Frank opens his mouth.

I hope you like it.

Things

2010-03-29T20:35:00.002-04:00

-New podcast coming tomorrow (Tuesday). This one features more Defend Yourself with my roommate, Quincy, as well as our guests, Frank Hong and Erin Conroy. This episode is very funny and contains no references to anal penetration. It actually may be safe for work.

They should be on iTunes this week. Sorry for the delay on that. Once iTunes is ready to go, I'll spread the word so you can just subscribe and not bother listening on my site.

-I just put the finishing touches on the Crucial Element series. Some audio issues held us up for over a month. We're going to start pitching the series now. If no one bites, I'll find a way to distribute it without resorting to the YouTube wasteland.

-I'm planning to shoot a short I wrote sometime within the next month. It's pretty straight-forward and should have a relatively quick edit. Expect to see that by May.

-Recording a new podcast tomorrow. Should be ready by next Tuesday.

-Stay clean.

First Podcast Now Live

2010-03-23T11:11:00.012-04:00

I didn't do any research on placing the podcast on iTunes until now. Looks like it will be a week or two until it's available there. For now, you can listen to episode 1 here. Left click to play in your browser. Right click and select "Save Target As," or "Save File As," to listen on your iPod.

The show is called Caligula's Grotto. Why? Because it's a kick-ass name. I host it, along with my good friend, Alan Skontra (link to his blog on the right).

This episode is 52 minutes, and features Sean Gabbert as our guest, as well as Quincy Ledbetter, in a segment we call Defend Yourself. The concept of Defend Yourself is: "Quincy Ledbetter, you are a 29-year-old man, and you read Twilight. Defend Yourself."

Here is the video referenced in the podcast:

Disclaimer: The first 12 or so minutes are very ass-heavy. That was not planned. I got sidetracked and that's what we talked about. It's funny, but don't worry, the podcast won't normally sound like something you would read in Maxim.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

2010-03-22T15:17:00.002-04:00

As Jim pointed out in the comments of my last blog, the admission that I could do long-division in my head before I started school, but couldn't tie my shoes until I was around eight-years-old, was very revealing. And as he said, "It makes sense." Now here's another one. When I was six, I knew world geography better than I do now. I knew just about every country in the world and their capitals. This because I hung out with my pal, Globe, for about 90 minutes each day. He would ask me things like, "What's the capital of Mozambique," and I would ask him things like, "Why don't girls have wieners?" The capital is Maputo. I know that. However, I don't know the Electric Slide. Everyone knows The Electric Slide. I don't.

From fourth grade through ninth grade, every P.E. class had a dance unit, which included the Electric Slide, Square Dancing, and all that pointless, waste of time garbage. Even as a nine-year-old, who cared about nothing more than making good grades, I refused to participate in the dance unit. Every year, I told the teachers that I didn't want to do it, "because it's pointless." P.E. is for basketball. Not the Foxtrot. As a result, I was given a zero in dancing every year. No worries, though. I could bring that grade up when the kickball unit came around. Use the search feature at the top if you're interested in my kickball exploits. Oh, you aren't. Okay. Fine. Keep reading.

Somehow I avoided dancing my entire life. In high school, whenever homecoming or prom came around, if I had a girlfriend, luckily she didn't want to go to homecoming or prom either. In college, I had to awkwardly reject people from time to time, in order to avoid dancing. Post-college, I have only been to two dance clubs, and both were in other countries, so I could get away with not dancing. "I don't like the way this beat mixes with this longitude." The first was in Spain. That's where I hit rock-bottom. I will not link to that story. You can look it up if you want to know what happened. It still haunts me. The other was in China, where the dancing looks like jogging from the waist down and a seizure from the waist up. I felt no pressure to participate in that.

I hate dancing so much that when I watch Footloose, I root for the father.

All my life, my dance-boycott policy seemed to be vindicated. Until...

Last week, I had an audition for a commercial series. Not one commercial, but a series, by one of the largest companies in North America. The series shoots on the coast of Argentina. I did a great job during the first audition. Two days later, Thursday, I got a callback. It was for that afternoon. I went in confident. The producers, writer and director were there with the casting director this time. The audition had two parts. The first part was acting. I did a great job. Then I was told to "Just dance like crazy." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Who would have thought my elementary school dance boycott would come back to hurt me. Other people forget theorems. I still remember theorems. Couldn't they ask me to recite a theorem. Why is it that the most relevant part of my elementary school education is the dance unit in P.E.? You can forget how to add and no one gives a shit.

Again, "Dance like crazy." He actually mentioned a type of dance. I hadn't heard of it. I told him that. He said, "The steps are similar to the Electric Slide."

I started laughing. "I don't know the Electric Slide."

All the casting people looked giddy, for some reason.

I said, "I'm gonna be honest with you. I have never danced in my life."

"Then this will be perfect."

"No, I don't think you understand. This is going to be horrendous."

They laughed.

I had to start "dancing." No music. Nothing. Just some dudes watching me "dance like crazy." They told me to pretend eight women in bikinis surrounded me, and were trying to touch me, because that's what the commercial would be(Whew, glad I didn't get the commercial). So, I did something that I'm going to call "My Latin Dance," while talking to the invisible girls. All I remember saying is, "You know, some people say I'm a bad dancer. But that's because they don't understand me like you do." The whole concept of this series is being awkward around women. I have been training for this my whole life. Except for this part. I felt like I was Shaq trying out for a basketball team, and all they're asking me to do is shoot free-throws.

They were laughing while I was doing the dance. Then they asked me to do it again without talking, because there might be a voiceover anyway. I jumped back into the Latin Dance. They were laughing. I couldn't not talk. I started a conversation with the casting people.

"This is my Latin Dance."

A producer laughed and said, "I think that's just called walking."

I laughed. "I didn't think you'd call me on that. And I don't appreciate the fact that you did."

We all laughed. And it was over. I blew it. So much money on the line. If only I had participated in the Electric Slide when I was nine, maybe I would be able to get furniture that matches my other furniture, instead of the wood buffet that I now have in my bedroom. Fuck you, dancing. Fuck you right in your Foxtrot face.

FUN FACT!!!!!!! I actually know a couple dances, but nothing appropriate for this venue. My friend, Billy, and I made up a dance in eighth grade called the Kung-Pao Chicken-Mao. If you ask, I will do this for you. I don't care where we are. I will do it. And I will do it well. I can also Moonwalk like it's my job.

POWER RANKINGS AGAIN!!!!!

2010-03-17T12:23:00.003-04:00

My friend, comedian Doug Powell, has a great joke: "I hate when I really like a something, then I find out someone I don't like likes it too, then I can't like it anymore. For example, I love The Dave Matthews Band. But then I found out Dave Matthews likes the Dave Matthews Band. And I hate Dave Matthews." This Power Rankings is a complete rip-off of that joke. Actually, think of it as a tribute.

Things I would like more if other people didn't like them... POWER RANKINGS!!!

It's a fear of becoming one of them that keeps me from getting too involved in these things. I can prove that I don't care about the approval of others by pointing out my tendency to wear silver pants in high school, chain mail in the streets of Seville, Spain, and going to bars as a "recent police academy graduate."

I'm scared of getting too involved in the following things out of fear of myself becoming a huge douchebag like a lot of people who are into these things.

12. The Arcade Fire/Dave Matthews Band

These are two awesome bands. Musically, the only knock on either one is that The Arcade Fire's sound is close to being a David Bowie rip-off. Other than that, what? Dave Matthews Band is one of the best collections of musicians of any band ever. As musicians, they are absolutely incredible. They also write some great songs and a lot of good songs. Arcade Fire writes nothing but great songs. But... The "Davers" are one of the most annoying groups of people in the world. They were born with hacky sacks in the corduroy pants pockets. I would stop talking to my own mother if she started referring to them as "Dave," as everyone calls them at all the Ben and Jerry's stores. Which reminds me, Dave Matthews' signature Ben and Jerry's ice cream is my favorite, but I feel like a douche when I eat it.

On the other hand, Arcade Fire fans make fans of This American Life look like Richard Nixon. Illustrations by Joe Mande.

11. Suits

I don't like dressing up. I own about five shirts that have buttons of any kind. My reasoning is three-pronged.

1. I don't like dress-codes. The idea of having to wear a certain thing for an activity is absurd, unless we're talking about shorts for soccer. You wouldn't want to play in chaps.

2. It takes a lot of work to put on a suit.

3. If I was wearing a suit, I feel like I would be expected to "make deals," and call people and before even say hello, I would have to say, "Sell, sell!"

However, I like suits. They're comfortable. No ties. But I like the idea of walking around in a suit for no reason, like Hannibal Lecter at the end of Silence of the Lambs.

10. NPR

All Things Considered is a good show. This American Life is a good show. But it seems like people who go out of their way to mention NPR have a mono-faceted/HuffingtonPost worldview, which I don't want to be associated with. Also, don't like American Apparel or Marcel Duchamp enough to be a regular NPR listener.

9. Harry Potter movies

This one isn't really true. I have no interest in Harry Potter. I just wanted to take an opportunity to say that Harry Potter is shit. And every time an adult recommends it to me, I brace myself for them to recommend a favorite flavor of Capri Sun as well. That said, this is one of my favorite movies.

8. Bowling

What's more fun than bowling? Other than kick-ball? Very few things. Sure, probably half of all bowlers are what I'd call normal. But whenever I bowl (once every couple years), I feel like I'm hanging out at the Child Support Avoidance Club.

7. Sailing

Is there a douchier activity that sailing? It's douchier than douching itself. Of course I don't have the money to sail, but I love being on boats, and sailing looks awesome. But I don't think I would be allowed at the marina with a boat named "State Sponsored Sodomy."

6. Hats

I love hats. I look weird in hats. That's the problem. This really has nothing to do with being a part of any group, because there really isn't a group of people who wear bowler hats. I would love to wear a bowler. They look badass. Or a top-hat. Are you serious? Who wouldn't wear a top-hat? Now, balding hasn't been an issue in my family, but if I go bald, I'm in trouble. I wouldn't try to hide it, but I have the oddest shaped head. I shaved it once and discovered that the top of my head has a v-shaped peak, from where my brain excess is looking for more skull to occupy. Seriously, it looks freakish. So, we have that on top of the fact that I look really weird in hats.

5. Noam Chomsky

Incredibly smart guy, but in almost every book or essay, he'll make a great point, then follow it up by essentially saying, "And that's how the US Government executes its plan of killing 1 million South Americans each week." His book "Profit Over People" is full of this stuff. The dude is a genius who has lost his mind.

4. Real Madrid

If you aren't a soccer fan, you might not know about Real Madrid. I studied, briefly, in Madrid. While there, I became a fan of the club, after being an AC Milan and Ajax fan all my life. But Real spends so much money on players, they make the Yankees look like a AA team. Last summer alone, I think they spent around $350-400 million on just a few players. How can you support that? Also, they dropped Ruud Van Nistlerooy, who has scored more goals than anyone in Europe over the past decade. Why? Because he's not flashy enough. Hey Real Madrid, flash these nuts. That's all I have.

3. Co-ops

What's better than buying your produce from local farmers, contributing to the community and saving a few bucks? Other than kickball. Co-ops are great, but I don't feel like I should have to brush up on my knowledge of The Animal Collective before I go out to buy some broccoli.

2. Velcro Shoes

I might be the only person in the world, who in an ideal setting would be wearing a suit without a tie, a bowler hat, and Velcro shoes. I hate tying my shoes. Sometimes I double-knot, so I don't have to tie them every five minutes. But then it takes me five minutes to untie the double-knot. In the battle against shoelaces, I can't win. We've always been at war. True story: I could do long-division in my head when I was four. I couldn't tie my shoes until I was seven or eight. It was always Velcro, or "Hey, could you tie my shoes for me?"

I would get Velcro shoes now, but I don't want to lose the benefit of the doubt from strangers that I'm not retarded.

1. Marijuana

I've met one person in my life who has smoked it and didn't like it. I think half the world would be potheads if potheads didn't already exist, reminding everyone how annoying potheads are.

Conversely, here are things people would love if they tried them:

Otis Redding - Everything he did was awesome.

Golf - Just play it. Seriously. Give it a shot.

Podcast

2010-03-17T00:56:00.000-04:00

The first episode has been recorded. I think it's funny throughout. I hope to have it on iTunes for free within a week.

Detroit and Stuff

2010-03-15T14:05:00.003-04:00

A couple appetizers...

-Next week, I'm shooting a pilot for NFL Network. It's a cool concept for a show. I'll post updates when I know something.

-I'm starting a podcast. We're recording the first one tomorrow. The goal is one per week, or every other week. I want to make sure none of the material is dated, so people can listen over and over. I'm not sure how we're going to distribute yet. Most-likely iTunes. Just subscribe and whenever a new one is complete, it will automatically download. Of course it would be free. The podcast will be hosted by myself and my roommate, Alan. Each show, we'll have one guest who will contribute. We aren't going to interview anyone. It's just going to be a structured conversation.

Over the weekend, I drove to Detroit. Why would I drive to Detroit? Because I booked a flight on a hunch. Let me explain. My agent told me he booked me at Oakland University. I thought, "Cool, I'm going to California." Then he told me it's in a suburb of Detroit called Rochester. I assumed he was misspoke and it was in Rochester, Minnesota. I did a Google search for Oakland University and still somehow concluded that it was in Minnesota. So, I booked the flight for Minneapolis.

Three days before the show, I was talking to Danny Rouhier. I told him I had a show at Oakland University, and said, "I thought it was in California," and was about to say, "But it's in Minnesota," but he cut me off, laughing, and said, "But you're going to Detroit." I got really quiet. After a couple seconds, he asked if I was still there. What do you mean, Detroit, I asked. That's where Oakland University is, he confirmed. Shit. He and I decided that Delta would probably switch my flight for $50. Wrong. $750. $750, on top of the $300 I had already paid. You know what that means? It's time to drive to Detroit.

I asked a few comics to open for me, all of whom couldn't come because they swore they had shows already booked, but I'm guessing the whole "Let's drive to Detroit!" offer threw them off a bit. I don't really care about having the crowd warmed up before I go on. I usually have openers just to help people out and give them stage time, and so I have someone to hang out with when I'm doing these shows. So, I opted to bring my roommate, Alan, instead. Alan doesn't do stand-up. Alan doesn't drive. Alan doesn't eat fruits, vegetables or condiments. So why did I bring him? Because he agreed to come. Kidding. I knew it would be fun. Plus, we're planning a trip where we drive West to London, and I wanted to experiment with having a passenger who doesn't drive before we head West to London.

Brief description of West to London from a 2007 blog entry:

It's an idea my friends Al, Jim and I came up with. We were watching Discovery's "Building the Ultimate," and it was about a bridge being built over the Bering Strait. Within 30 seconds of tuning in, I said, "Jim, let's drive to London. West to London." He was in. Al was in. We called Glen and Craig. They're in. I think we have a couple more as well. I don't remember who though. We're going to take three cars, like they did on sailing expeditions. We'll have a food car, a tool car, and a spice car. It will be a 90-day voyage (none of us like driving long distances without stopping). We will stop each night and take in a town (there has to be a less gay way to say that). The interesting plot points would include:

1. Spending 40 days in remotes areas means someone will die of a disease that will eventually be named after them.

2. Al only eats chicken breasts, burgers, fries, cheese pizza, and French bread. Therefore, he's not going to be able to eat from the time we reach Siberia until we get to Germany. That's dangerous. He also doesn't drive. That adds the element of "Why did they bring him along? What is he contributing? He must be great at conversation or something."

3. Finding roads in Siberia and Mongolia will be tough. There are less than 200 roads in all of Mongolia. We only need to find the one that will take us to the Mongolian BBQ.

4. Chances are, if we go anywhere near Albania, we will be kidnapped. That will get the State Department heavily involved. When was the last time the State Department got involved in your vacation to Ocean City?

5. We will probably run into a Chechen warlord. We can cross that off our To-Do Lists.

What we didn't realize at the time is that the episode on the Berring Strait Bridge was a show on theoretical engineering. There is no bridge. There will be no bridge. We cannot drive West to London. I think about this weekly.

Anyway, back to Detroit... Alan already wrote a recap, so I'll post his in italics and comment on it.

This weekend I rode with my roommate, comedian Ryan Conner to his show at Oakland University outside of Detroit. See the perks of being unemployed - I have the freedom to spend ten hours sitting in a Japanese made sedan hurtling towards the epicenter of the rust belt economic collapse.

The car is Korean, not Japanese. Right off the bat, Alan is spreading lies.

- We left Friday morning at 7:30. Upon pulling out of the parking spot, Ryan warned me: I have a sore hamstring, so don't be alarmed if you see me stretching awkwardly to relieve the pain; also, the soreness extends to my right buttock and we might have to make frequent stops so I can apply balm lotion to my ass. I was the Virgil to his Dante, and we had entered the first concentric circle of hell.

Seriously, my right hamstring has been killing me since November. I need an MRI, but don't have insurance. And the cream is an arthritis cream that I was prescribed for an arthritic sternum a few years ago. It was a misdiagnosis (the arthritis turned out to be awesomeness that was trying to escape through my chest), but that cream is the shit. For about 18 hours, it will make your leg burn so badly that you forget it hurts. And it works in waves, which is a lot of fun. I was on stage, with about 20 minutes left in my set. All of a sudden, my ass felt like someone was flambeing it.

- Ryan's GPS advised us to dive right into downtown Newark morning rush traffic. Machines can't yet replace the human eye. When it comes to getting directions, I still trust more a gas station attendant whose English vocabulary is more limited than the words on a Twinkies wrapper.

I just want to add that I have the worst GPS in the world. It's a Navigon, the Radio Shack house brand. I know, only buy batteries and wires from Radio Shack. But this GPS has all the bells and whistles. It really does. The problem is that it gives terrible directions. It once sent me on a 35 minute route to get a haircut. Once I got there, I realized it was about four miles from where I started. Also, the voice of the GPS sounds like a German tranny with a speech impediment.

- Stopped at an Arby's in central Pennsylvania, one of those isolated, homogeneously white towns where I feel especially welcome and remember fondly all the times I've been warned that I have a "Jewish look." Ten minutes earlier I was explaining to Ryan how my mother country Croatia collaborated with the Nazis to run concentration camps. I ordered two small roast beef sandwiches and some curly fries.

True.

- Ryan and I held a conference call with comedian Jon Mumma. Each of us had an ear piece tethered to the phone, and I kept having to lean in towards the microphone on Ryan's neck to talk, and the only way I could stay comfortable was to stretch my arm across the upper back of his seat. The passengers in the car ahead of us kept looking back, seeing my positioning and proximity to Ryan, seeing me smiling widely from the conversation and wondering just when I was going to go down all the way.

Also, I was holding the phone out over Alan's lap, because I was already leaning toward him and needed to put my arm somewhere. So, to other drivers, Alan was sniffing my neck, while I gave him a manual.

- We saw a sign outside of Detroit directing traffic to Fangboner Street. You know Fangboner Street, it's the road you take to reach Gnashedcock Avenue. This was the first time I ever saw a street sign that made me queasy. I can't wait to stumble onto that fetish the next time I'm wandering about porn sites. You win, Twillight readers, I'll submit to that skin bleaching session now.

What year was this street named? When was there ever a time that Fangboner wasn't a funny name for a street? I just can't imagine a planning meeting where someone suggested, "How about we name this one Fangboner?" and everyone said, "Outstanding name! Finally a tribute to the Fangboner clan of Westhampton!" They must go through three signs per day. We also saw a street called Big Beaver.

- Prior to the show we met my friend Erik from high school, whom I hadn't seen in almost twelve years since we graduated and he moved to Michigan. I never forget people who have had an impact on my life, and despite the gap in time within three seconds we were back to our old bantering rapport. We used to drive to and from school hollering to pedestrians random graphic phrases like butt sex and piss fetish. Erik's a cop now.

- I knew Ryan before he became a comedian, and it still amuses me to watch female groupies queue up to talk to him after shows. He's in a relationship, so these conversations with fans are purely professional, but still, I'm jealous. That doesn't happen to writers. I sit in my cramped bedroom and blog in my underwear and a stained wifebeater, and I type hoping all this will get me laid, and then I go fix some beef hot dogs and a scalding cup of chicken broth.

Re-read that first sentence. Yeah, son. Proof.

- Erik and I accompanied Ryan to dinner with the school's extracurricular activities committee and the student comic who hosted the event. I just turned thirty and I'm in a phase where I want to relate to college kids by giving them unsolicited advice. We went to a Mongolian barbecue buffet, and since I wasn't eating, I waited for everyone to return to the table. The jockish, glazed-eyed host sat down before the others, and I started talking to him. He told me he was an English major and twenty years old, and I jumped to tell him my background and how much he had to read Willa Cather novels. I kept eagerly suggesting we should exchange contact information, and before he left I cornered him and gave him my email. He didn't ask for mine, but I'm still really hoping he's into me.

This is the second reference to Mongolian BBQ in this entry. Impressive, I know.

- After the students left the three of us wandered to the bar and spent thirty minutes relaying bizarre medical stories, twenty minutes commiserating about my bad luck with women, and two minutes making fun of dead Estelle Getty.

We'll probably cover a few of the bizarre medical stories on the podcast. I also want to touch on Alan and Erick both knowing about pedophiles walking around with padlocks on their junk to stretch it, as well as info on re-creating foreskin, like they both subscribe to the same Dick News RSS feed. I'm still a little weirded about by this.

- On the return trip we cut across Canada, heading towards Niagra Falls. When we got there, it was thirty degrees outside, heavy rain with thirty mile winds. We spent just five miserable minutes there, and the scene did not provide the romantic moment we were hoping for. I had to settle for an ass balm session outside of Buffalo. I was the Beatrice to his Dante, and we had entered Paradiso.

Fact.

Check back here for info on the podcast and the Crucial Element series. It's finished. We're just figuring out what to do with it.

Craigslist Missed Connection

2010-03-10T11:23:00.002-05:00

stole your woman like i stole your bike (spider man)

sorry mike but i stole your woman why you were away and she didnt mind so just move on playboy... To all you guido fucks go get your shine boxs bitchs spider mans back

Location: spider man
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

There really isn't anything to add. Spider Man, "why you were away," "shine boxs"... This post has it all.

Beef and Pudding

2010-03-09T13:07:00.003-05:00

Two weeks ago, I did shows at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. They were great, as always at Helium. This past weekend, I did shows in Baltimore. They were like shows in Baltimore. You can't predict anything about Baltimore crowds and there's no consistent demographic. They're like a Chinese buffet. Rice. Okay. Chicken and broccoli. Great. Pudding? What the fuck are you doing here? Oh, beef and some type of sauce that's only described by its color, not its contents (MLK wouldn't be proud of that). That's about right. Pineapples and soft serve? Seriously? Well, someone here isn't going to like me. You can't please pudding and beef with brown sauce at the same time.

Prior to the last show, a group of people approached the headliner because they thought he was the bartender. He was at least 20 feet from any alcohol. I'm not sure how the logic department works in this group's collective head. 'He's standing in the back of the room, talking to three other people. He must be the bartender!'

The last show ended. The emcee, headliner, and I were hanging out in the back of the room. All was well. It was the typical deal where some people tell you they liked you, while others walk past. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until... a woman, a beast, she was about 6'1", 260lbs in a skin-tight leopard print dress, which if real, must have taken an entire pride of leopards to make, approached us. Picture Warren Sapp in a skin-tight leopard dress. "You were funny," she said to the headliner. He was funny.

"You were NOT funny," she said to me. I was a little surprised, and kind of smiled while mumbling, "I disagree."

Then she turned to Eli with, "I didn't see you."

Then she turned back to me and this elephant in leopard's clothing emphatically stated, as if she was chastising her child, "Seriously, that shit was not fuckin' funny." After she finished grunting those words out, she held her elephant stare on me, with her finger still extended like she was casting a spell. Her hand slowly lowered and she turned sharply, like it was a scene from a cheesy high school video project. Then the headliner said, "Fuck her. Classless. She won't be saying that when she pays $30 to see you at a theater in a few years." I had to correct him. She will never pay a dime to see me. Maybe her friends will, but she will never pay to see me again. Because she hates me and elephants never forget.

Did I mention how proud I am of the "elephant in leopard's clothing" line?

You would not believe what I just endured for this post. I did a Google image search for "fat girl leopard dress," to put a picture in this post. I didn't see what I was looking for, so I kept going through the pages, until on page 8 I found something I REALLY didn't want to see. The worst thing in the world. The Tranny-Surprise. It was a picture of a naked "woman" jerking off. It's bad enough if you're looking at porn and there's a tranny surprise, but I was looking for a picture of a dress. This goes far beyond pudding at the Chinese buffet. Seriously, my world tumbled around me. I was listening to Jean Genie, really enjoying it, and all of a sudden it sounded like someone moved the needle on the record, only I'm listening on iTunes. And I'm not making this up... I quickly shifted my eyes from the image of the woman jerking off to the table in front of me where a DVD copy of The Jerk was sitting right in front of me, reminding me of what I just saw. I immediately got up and drank some Listerine. This is how people get addicted to meth. Everyone, it is your civic duty to check in with me every few hours to make sure I'm not using.

I just realized I have a hole in my left sock. Bullshit.

Percocet is the New Crystal Ball

2010-03-03T13:14:00.003-05:00

First thing's first... Which makes a bigger difference: Listening to your headphones backwards, or conditioning before shampooing? I think it's a toss-up.

I'm thinking of suing Marvel Comics. They're stealing my Percocet hallucinations. You may or may not recall me writing last March about Percocet. I suffered a bad corneal abrasion and had to wear a patch and lay in darkness for a few days, all under a Percocet induced haze. In the midst of this haze, I snapped into consciousness for about 20 seconds. Long enough for me to say this to my girlfriend, as if it was an issue that the future of the world hinged on.

"Hey. Peter Parker is a newspaper photographer, right?"

"Yeah."

"And Clark Kent is a reporter?"

"Yeah."

"This isn't good. With the newspaper industry the way it is, they're gonna lose their jobs."

I immediately stopped talking, concerned about the future of crime-fighting, oblivious to the fact that Superman isn't real and Spider-Man probably isn't real. I was worried that Peter Parker would be relegated to the world of anonymous Flickr pages, and Clark Kent would run a never-read blog, because people only read the partisan news blogs, and Clark Kent is a facts man.

With that in mind, look what was brought to my attention: http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/worklife/03/01/spiderman.gets.fired/index.html?hpt=Sbin

What the fucking fuck? I think it's safe to say the folks at Marvel have been reading the blog. What's next? A comic book about hurricaning?

Philadelphia Shows this week

2010-02-24T11:41:00.001-05:00

If you're in Philadelphia this week, good news! So am I!
I'll be at Helium Comedy Club tonight through Saturday. Heliumcomedyclub.com